now we wait...

Have you ever waited for something that neither outcome is really what you want? You know it's like trying to decide which is the lesser of the two evils? That's kind of how I feel tonight...

Camryn had her bone marrow aspiration today...she was incredible. Really, she was just amazing. Jason and I both were a bit nervous as this time she wasn't sick so she was a little more aware of the surroundings and what was going on. But, true to Camryn form she did what was needed...which included being NPO since midnight last night. No breakfast, no water, no snacks...yes, she was struggling towards procedure time; but she did much better than I think I would have. She is a trooper...takes it all in stride.

Now we wait...we should get her results tomorrow some time and then we know which course we take. If clear...we start the testing and such to get authorization from insurance for transplant in mid-April. If not...two weeks off and then four more weeks of arsenic. Neither path is one I want, but no one is really consulting my planner on this. Truthfully, we are praying her marrow is clear so we can start the transplant process and get her better...even though this path is long, it is the inevitable path we will take. So, why not sooner rather than later.

Camryn's levels continue to be doing well, they are holding their own which is a very encouraging sign. We are very glad that throughout her three weeks of out-patient treatment she did not need any blood or platelet transfusions...what a praise!

Really, the praise is that the arsenic has done well so far and hopefully we will hear the news tomorrow that it completely did it's job. Because you see having the arsenic do it's job is a praise...God carried her through these past three weeks beautifully.

Today as we were waiting in the surgery center waiting room I was reminded that none of these steps are surprises to the Lord. He knows the path Camryn is walking, that our family is walking...even better than we do. He knows the outcomes and He holds our futures in His hand.

I'm very thankful they are big hands...

Waiting is not something I am entirely good at. In fact I do not pride myself in being a patient person, but recently patience has been my friend. I have had to wait...pure and simple. There is no rushing things when dealing with cancer...there is no pushing things through...there are steps, protocols, procedures...we just take it moment by moment.

I know tomorrow I will be a bit anxious until I hear from Camryn's doctors. But, I will trust that no matter the outcomes the Lord is already there...He is already holding us...for in moments like today when Camryn is in a procedure room and Jason and I are able to be at peace is only explained through the love of the Father.

For as I watched Camryn sleep after her procedure...her sweet baby face so angel like, my eyes welled up with tears. My precious little girl who I love with every ounce of myself is not mine...for I have to hold her loosely.

We cherish every day...as we are not promised a single one.

We wait patiently for tomorrow...