days like this

Ever had days when you wonder when they will get better? They start in such a way that you wonder if it would be better to just got back to bed and literally start the day over...but, you can't.

Today was one of those days...

Tuesdays are always a bit of a rush for me and Camryn as we try to get out of the house before 7:00am to make it to clinic in time to get to the lab before it gets too crowded. Well...we didn't quite make it out of the house early. It was one of those you keep forgetting on this in the house mornings...plus, my keys got locked in my car.

Yeah, it was that kind of day...

Thankfully, we got the spare key after much searching. Why can't I always remember where I keep it so I don't forget? Ironic isn't it.

We were on our way to clinic, got to the lab and they were on number 71 and our number was 91. Yes, twenty people to wait through. All I can say is that Camryn is a trooper, she did great! Absolutely wonderful! We finally got her EKG, headed upstairs and made it to the procedure center.

As we were in the procedure center there were lots of people and lots of talk about transplants, weaning off meds, appeitates, steriods, cyclosporin...and this was with other patients. As I sat there my heart just went numb...is this really the world we are entering again? The world of tons of meds...tons and tons of doctors appointments...unknown outcomes...really?

Camryn did super today...she got her arsenic like a pro and helped the nurses flush her line and was her now normal talkative self. We saw the doctors and they agreed that Camryn looks wonderful, she is herself in so many ways...I'm really beginning to see how truly sick she was. Honestly, it's hard to think that in a few weeks another round of chemo will run through her body and knock out all the levels we are working so hard now to keep. Ironic isn't it?

Jason and I anxiously await Camryn's levels every Tuesday and Friday, we like to see how she's doing. We have gotten very good at reading lab sheets...very good.

Camryn's levels look really good today...in fact they look fabulous! Her white count has come up significantly over the last few days. We are very encouraged...in fact the elevated white counts brought the highlight of the day...

Since we live in So Cal and Disneyland just happens to be one our families favorite places...and in honor of Disneyland's free admittance on your birthday we had planned on going for my birthday this coming Sunday. Once Camryn relapsed we decided that was no longer an option and we'd just figure out something else to do.

Well, Jason after hearing Camryn's levels called her nurse practioner and asked about Disneyland. Taking a chance that they might say yes...well, they did. So on Sunday we will head to Disneyland...I am so excited! Camryn's team felt that it would be a fun outing before she has to go into transplant. Jason knowing that I wasn't having the best day surprised me with the news...as well as surprised Camryn and Wyatt.

Jason was telling me this evening about a co-worker of his that said something that made sense...sometimes you need to take the little small things and hold on to them. On days like this it is the little small things that get me through...

Days when I just want to stop...stop this nightmare...stop these realities...just make it all stop.

Days when I just want the world to understand that even though Camryn is doing so well right now...there is a long hospital stay that awaits her and her body will have a fight unlike any other.

Days when I can't seem to take another step...

And then the small things come...

A dear friend Kelly came to visit us today. Honestly, I love this girl so incredibly much...she has added so much to my life and I am forever grateful for the almost 18 year friendship we've had. She brought bright smiles and love for Camryn and Wyatt in the midst of a crazy day...I was simply thankful. Thankful that she decided to come over today...

A piece of cake from Dr. M...yes, Dr. M and Camryn have a friendship over cake. It started long ago when Camryn was in the first time...and it has continued. So in honor of Camryn bringing him cake last week, he brought her cake today. And that just made me smile...that he cares for her. I was thankful...thankful for the doctors who care for her.

A laugh, smile and fun with Camryn and Wyatt...I am very thankful for the smiles that the kids are bringing me these days. I know that these days will hold some incredibly memories and moments that will get us through transplant...that will hold us together.

The Lord will hold us throughout this journey as He already has and He will continue to. I know that the Lord held me fast today...because He holds me in His hands.

This song kept playing today...

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself

There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on

There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room

So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now

In Better Hands ~ Natalie Grant

On days like this I believe, I know, I trust...that I am in better hands.

The hands of my Father...