first day of school...

Yesterday Wyatt had his first day of school (summer school that is), but school nonetheless...

Wyatt has never embarked on new adventures on his own. He always has had his trusty best friend, big sister, teacher, did I mention best friend by his side. And yesterday morning as fear crept in his little heart I completely understand why...

His childhood has been unlike most 4-almost-5-year-olds...

And yesterday morning I saw it...Wyatt is a brave little guy, a very fun little guy, but he was completely overwhelmed by the other kids who were so sure of themselves and I saw it in his eyes, he wanted to crumble in a million pieces. He didn't know what to do...do I sit here, do I say hi, how do I navigate in this world? Camryn has always been by my side.

And I watched all the while my heart breaking into a million pieces...fighting back tears that soon found me while driving home.

Thankfully, his teacher is an incredible lady who has a beautiful heart for little ones. She loved him through...and when I picked him up he was smiles, he had fun, and he even made some friends. In fact the little guy who sits next to him asked, "Hey Wyatt, tomorrow do you want to be buddies and play together?" Wyatt smiled and said a quiet yes.

Wyatt is learning a new life and as his momma I want to protect him and I will admit there was a strong desire to pick him up dry his tears and hold him forever. But, I know that he needs this...he needs to develop a world of his own. He needs to live a life for him...he needs to create a world of Wyatt not of Camryn.

We had tears again this morning, but I'm hoping to see my little guy in about an hour and I hope to see a smile.

He is okay, he will be okay, but learning this adventure is a tough one for Wyatt.

Gosh, I love him and he always had a bond with his momma's heart that is different than Camryn. Wyatt and I both have traveled a journey together and now I want so badly to save him, but he needs to grow his own wings and fly...

Hoping.Believing.Trusting as he learns to fly.

i heart the mornings...

One of my favorite parts of being off work are the mornings...I love them. I love sleeping in and waiting to hear little feet come cuddle in bed with me for a bit. I love watching the day begin...breakfast, plans for the day, and just starting my day with my two sweet kids. I love it...

Starting Monday Wyatt will go to his class at 8:00, so our mornings might be a bit different...but, that's okay we are so excited to see how he does. And it I'm honest A LOT nervous too. Got teary eyed last night talking about it...

But, for today I am going to savor these little faces and the sounds of the morning and the beauty of the day ahead.

love me some u.s.of a.

Those of you that know me in real life know that I teach 8th grade U.S. History which covers the Revolutionary War to the Civil War and Reconstruction. Anyways...I thought it was time for some patriotic pride as one of my favorite holidays is quickly approaching...

July 4th!

Yes...the history buff in me loves all things Americana. I love red.white.blue...I love flags...I love all things U.S. of A.

So incredibly thankful that I have the opportunity to teach students the importance of their country, their freedoms, their democracy, their opportunities...yes, I love it all.

In fact this summer my goal is to read a bunch of historical novels ranging from Team of Rivals, 1776, The Greatest Generation, and anything else my eye catches...yep, I am a history nerd.

Hope you have an amazing summer...

a super long day...

Today is Tuesday which means clinic around here...Camryn and I headed out and made great time. We hung out and played Littlest Pet Shop while we waited for her doctors. In a few minutes B came in to see us...Camryn put on quite a show of craziness. It was obvious that she was feeling really well and doing great. We talked about medicine and some changes. All in all it was a super uneventful visit, which was topped off with a good lab report...our baby girl keeps plugging along and doing well, we are so thankful.

We headed home and I went to my official last day of work for summer...yay! Summer is here and I am so glad. We had a luncheon, celebrated those who have worked for certain number of years and those that are leaving...I always have hated good-byes. It was bitter sweet. After lunch a group of us went and played softball, it was so fun! I was determined not to stink...competitive much?! It was fun, I laughed, and felt so at ease...it was if the pace of summer was finding me and I savored every moment.

After that was over I came home picked up Camryn for another trip down to UCLA...no, we don't normally do two trips in one day, but this was the only PT appointment available for this week so we took it. Camryn did well in therapy, I love her therapist K, she is wonderful! I noticed that Cam is making progress which is so very exciting and rewarding...the therapy is working and helping. At 6:00 we headed home...

If you have ever tried to get from the west side to the east side at 6:00 you know that traffic is found everywhere...there is simply no short cut. So we sat in some traffic and listened to Disney radio in the car. Good times spent with my sweet girl. On the way home we met Wyatt and Daddy for dinner. While we were at UCLA Daddy took Wyatt for a hair cut...he looks darling! I love his hair short.

So, summer starts NOW...and I'm tired. It has been a very long day and now I'm going to rest and enjoy the fun of the pace of summer. Looking forward to some fun...lots of swimming, beach trips, and just family time. I cannot wait.

But, first tomorrow morning bright and early I am heading to the uniform sale at school to try to find some good deals for Wyatt...and then next Monday Wyatt starts his kindergarten prep class for four weeks. I'm a bit anxious to see how he does.

Another season...so thankful for the beauty, pace, and wonder of summer.

kindergarten, really? *gulp*

This past Tuesday Wyatt had his appointment to test for his readiness for kindergarten. I had thought, really Jason and I had thought that we would put Wyatt in pre-K to give him some time to "get his feet wet" in this new environment of school. Honestly, we have been a bit anxious about Wyatt going to school ever since he was born...you see Wyatt has lived in a very small world, extremely small. His social interactions are really limited, he has never been to pre-school, never even sat in a Sunday school class or VBS. He has had zero contact with a structured, organized, classroom type of environment. We just did not know how he would do and the last thing in the world we wanted to do was overwhelm him!

We arrived in the Elementary Office and waited to be taken to the kindergarten testing room...as we waited Wyatt was getting more and more anxious. I was beginning to wonder was this just the worst idea? But, then a familiar face came in Miss E...she sat down and began chatting with Wyatt. You know Elementary teachers are just one gifted group! After a minute we were ready to head to the kindergarten area...off we went.

As we walked Wyatt was doing great, but I was prepared if a melt-down occurred...we walked into Room 3 and he said hello to Mrs. D and Mrs. V and off he went. I went in Room 4 and filled out a questionnaire to pass the time. About 10 minutes in Mrs. V came in and we chatted...most of the teachers are friends, they know our story and they all cannot wait to see Camryn and Wyatt come to school. As we chatted a little face emerged and he had a smile. I knew he survived. I went and talked with Mrs. D who said that Wyatt was more than ready for kindergarten. *gulp* Jason and I had figured pre-K, but Mrs. D and Mrs. V felt pre-K might not be challenging enough. Mrs. D's recommendation was the 4 week summer school prep class to let Wyatt get his feet wet and then enroll him in kindergarten.

As we walked to the car and I held his hand I wondered what his first days of school would be like...was my baby boy ready?

I guess if I'm honest I've always been a bit hesitant to let go of Wyatt. It all started long ago in a procedure center at Cedars-Sinai when we were discussing a baby that was coming...and now I'm beginning to process letting a baby go. I have watched Wyatt be wheeled away on a gurney and I have kissed him good-bye to go be with his sister. I have always counted him younger than he truly is...I guess because in a way I felt that his growing up was always shadowed by Camryn's being sick. So in accepting Wyatt going to school I also have to accept that my baby will be five and he is no longer a little toddler/pre-schooler, but rather a growing boy. I really would love to freeze time...

In some ways I love Camryn getting older because it means that she is getting better and better and living. And yet I hate Wyatt getting older because it means that our "baby" days are leaving us. And really I have never felt I ever truly got to enjoy Camryn's pre-school years or Wyatt's either...there are some things leukemia took and it will never be given back.

But, I am excited...

Excited to see our little guy blossom into his own person...one not in his sister's shadow, but on his own. To experience something for the first time without his sister with him. To create a place of his own. To be Wyatt Mikels not just Camryn's little brother.

It's hard being a sibling of a ill child...it is hard walking in the shadow of a big sister who has gone through so much. And I am thrilled for Wyatt to step out of the shadow in to a world all his own.

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Today signed his paper work and his is officially enrolled...yikes! It is real.

I wish Camryn was going to school too, I am sad not to have a packet for her as well. And when I go to the uniform sale on Wednesday it will be hard not to "shop" for her too, I've always done their things in twos. Now it is separate and it feels odd. And it is a bit sad.

I know the Lord has big plans for Wyatt at school, I know he will be just fine, but there is a part of my heart that is having a very hard time letting go. He's always been my healthy one...and I guess in a way I've always sheltered him so that he would stay that way (a confession), but now I have to let him live and let him go as much as it scares me too.

The Lord weaved a story so deep and wrote a love so strong when He blessed my life with Wyatt. He met my deepest sadness with one of my greatest joys...and now I will begin to ready him for school all the while praying that the Lord continues to hold him as Wyatt makes a world on his own. And Camryn waits patiently for her turn.

TWO years...

*Gulp*...it has been two years since probably one of the hardest days of our lives. A day I do not want to relive, but a day I never want to forget. The day was full of meaning and yet it felt as though it was a blur...there are moments I can take myself back to and moments that are so fuzzy I can't remember the details at all. Funny how your mind protects your heart...

The past two years have been an incredible journey, so different from the two years spent after Camryn's first transplant (10.20.06 - 10.20.08). Camryn has had many more ups and downs...a lot more medicine...many more doctors appointments...a few set backs...and yet, a lot more promise.

The first two years we spent were surreal...nothing really wrong at all, Camryn breezed through transplant, was taken off her medicines quickly, and returned to *normal* life in relative speed. These past two years? Anything but.

Transplant was much harder. The conditioning regiment to prepare Camryn for transplant was rougher. The days spent in the hospital were longer. She was older. There was a blood clot, Lovenox shots every night for over 18 months. There was a morphine pump, a burned esophagus, and days spent trying to get Cam to drink or eat. The medicine still lines a portion of our kitchen counter...there 7 medications still. There is a brownish/reddish rash that stands for progress, but looks awful. There is puffy cheeks, normal cheeks, and puffy cheeks again. The journey has been much more real, almost like this is what a transplant journey should be. And the first one...more like a dream.

A dream that fell apart.

I won't lie there is a part of my heart that wondered two years ago, if we would get here. Would we get to two years again? At the rate at Camryn's relapse I truly did not know. And if I'm being completely honest there is a lump in my throat wondering if two years is Camryn's magic number and is relapse looming around the corner. I know this isn't the way you should think...but it is the way parents of children with cancer think. There is always looming the what ifs...the questions...the past...the relapses...all of it.

And there is hope.

Hope that this time is different. Hope that things have traveled a different course. Hope that maybe just maybe all the GVH Camryn has battled has healed her. Hope that a little boy's marrow is stronger than cord blood. Hope that Jesus isn't finished writing Camryn's story...

There is more to write.

I told Jason this morning that I wanted to mark this date, to teach Camryn and Wyatt that it wasn't just a day of hospital life; but a day when Jesus does what he does best. He shows up and leaves us amazed...

After all that is what happened two years ago.

The glory of the journey...the hope of the future...the tucked away dreams, and the dreams that have been let go...all of those things are held tightly in our Saviour's hands. That He has carried us throughout this journey and He does still...

Even as we turn the calendar and begin to move towards 6.4.12...THREE years?! We've never marked that day yet...

Believing.Trusting.Hoping.Fighting.Surviving

a post full of pictures and some good news...

So, I'm behind...way behind on posting pictures. Tonight I caught a few minutes, I should be finishing grading some reports, but alas I left them at school...guess I'll have to finish them tomorrow. :)

On Mother's Day we had lots of fun celebrating two amazing moms and grandmas...





I am incredibly thankful for my mom and my mother-in-law...they have walked dark days with me and been a source of strength and encouragement. I am thankful for what they mean to me and to our family...don't quite know what we would do without you both!

Earlier this month we made our first beach trip of the year to celebrate one of the kids very best friend's birthdays...Happy Birthday E!

Beautiful day to fly a kite...Camryn was a little worried about letting the kite really fly, she wanted to keep it close to the ground.



Cute Boy...



Camryn has always loved writing her name in the sand...and I love these pictures. We have quite a collection of them that I cherish. Guess there is something beautiful in her name...



Enjoying the beach...after most of the party guests had left Cam, Wy and E headed down to the water.





Fun times in Morro Bay...

Playing on the giant chess board...


The Dynamic Duo...


A rare family shot, I wonder why we don't snap more of these...I guess I'm usually behind the camera.



Love this brown eyed boy...



Swimming. Camryn & Wyatt were SO excited to swim this year, last year Camryn had her line; but this year she is excited to swim, swim, and swim!



Wyatt didn't love swimming as much as Camryn...maybe it had something to do with the wind and the cold?!



Talking a walk with Josh...one of the blessings of having older cousins, my kids adore their three older cousins. Caleb, Josh, and Makenna mean the world to Cam & Wy.



Enjoying feeding the seals...



Sunset.



Papa & Grandma with their grandkids...



Checking out the otters...love time with these two.



On the way home we stopped at Avila Valley Barn, coolest place! The kids fed goats, donkeys, a cow, chickens...all sorts of fun. They had fresh fruit, lots of tasty treats and just lots of fun! I highly recommend a trip by there if you are heading up the Central Coast!


Beautiful.



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In other fun news...Camryn's labs this week look fantastic! While weaning her steroids her liver numbers have come down. Yay! We are so excited...her numbers are so strong and so great. Honestly, this is such a praise...means that the wean continues which we are so thankful for. In fact we are noticing that the side-effects of the steroids are becoming less and less. :)

Thankful...because Saturday marks TWO years.