i remember wondering how much of camryn's journey wyatt was really soaking in. i mean he was just a newborn baby through her first transplant and then just 2 1/2 through her second. tonight, i realized he soaked it all in....
camryn's sick, she has a flu bug...she's got a bit of a fever and is having an upset stomach which has led to her throwing up a couple times. tonight while camryn was feeling horrible, wyatt ran to his room and started crying. jason went to get him and through the tears streaming down his face he said, "i hate when camryn is sick".
we talked him through it and he admitted that he gets scared, so scared that she'll be taken to the hospital and she will be gone a long time. as he said, "i'll miss my sissy".
sissy...
i've never heard him call camryn sissy before, but i know it's his term of endearment. his sissy cannot be sick, she just can't because in his mind the snowball starts rolling and there's no turning back.
he recovered and is okay now, but for a moment through his tears i cried my own. it is rare that wyatt shows the depth of his feelings of camryn being sick, but tonight when it showed itself it hurt so much. because it is the unintended consequence. this is not meant to be...his little heart does not need to carry this weight but it does.
i am hopeful a time will come when camryn being sick is just camryn being sick...there's no other feeling of is this it? is the shoe going to drop? is she really okay?
i mean it is an odd reality to find comfort in the fact that other kids in her class are battling the flu, "passing it around" as camryn's teacher put it. odd isn't it? i find solace in other children's illnesses. weird that i breath better knowing she isn't the only one.
but, to a little boy i wonder if there will ever be a day that he won't worry about his sissy. quite honestly the person who means the most to him in the entire world...
praying for his little heart and for camryn that whatever she is battling she fights off, just like she's done time and time before.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
it's that month...
yep, it's that month...
the month over the past seven years has held some of the hardest moments of my life...
* seven years ago leukemia reared its ugly head and wrecked havoc on our lives.
* five years ago my dad struggled with his heart and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.
* four years ago relapse became a reality and another bone marrow transplant loomed
* three years ago i lost one of the greatest woman i've ever known, my aunt frankie.
it's a rough month on my heart...
and yet, this morning in worship i was reminded...
the month over the past seven years has held some of the hardest moments of my life...
* seven years ago leukemia reared its ugly head and wrecked havoc on our lives.
* five years ago my dad struggled with his heart and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.
* four years ago relapse became a reality and another bone marrow transplant loomed
* three years ago i lost one of the greatest woman i've ever known, my aunt frankie.
it's a rough month on my heart...
and yet, this morning in worship i was reminded...
you are stronger
you are stronger
sin is broken
you have saved me
it is written
Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all
and today i will rest...rest in my Savior who is stronger.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
{seven years}
the words seem to be escaping me...i had in my mind thought about this post for a while, as i use this blog to mark time for myself (and fill the few readers left in with some of our life).
it's been seven years tomorrow. seven years since our world came crashing down around us. seven years since i felt kicked in the stomach so hard, that it left a knot. a permanent knot that even to this day, oh heck even in this moment i still feel. the word leukemia became part of our vocabulary...i hate that word.
i can still vividly remember saying bye to my friend t as i left work to take camryn to the doctor. i left my desk in disarray, no sub plans on my desk, no what if it's more than just an easy fix...i'd be back tomorrow and all would be well. but, it wasn't.
sometimes i'd like to go back to that person i was...the person who didn't know this pain, who didn't know these realities, the person who viewed life through such different eyes. but, i can't.
so much has changed in seven years...so.much.
i'm not the same person i was. jason is not the same. camryn is not the same. the only person who might be unscathed is wyatt, but let's be honest his world has been shattered before too. so, we're all in process...we're all living our lives daily in His hands. we're not perfect, we don't have this whole parent of a child with cancer thing figured out. not even sure you can.
the other day i cried and cried with jason and it all came rushing back. the anger that some things are so dang hard for camryn. the hurt that there are things that cannot be repaired or replaced. just the sadness of it all.
but, then there's camryn.
of all the hurt i've felt magnify it a million times over and maybe, just maybe that would be a glimpse of what her heart feels. i'm wrestling with the reality that camryn knows...she knows that her life is different. she knows that there is a different reality to her. she knows the journey. and she knows the fear.
but, the best part...
it does not change who she is. she is the best 8 year old around. she is talented, smart, funny, compassionate, loving, and just the best thing ever. my heart cannot contain the love that i feel for her. she teaches me daily what it means to live life to the fullest, and live life loving Jesus every step of the way.
she teaches me.
and really that is the best gift of the past seven years. that camryn is here, she is here teaching her momma's heart how to love God more, how to trust Him more, how to live by faith more.
how to be more.
how to take the garbage and the beauty of the last seven years and make it more than that. handing it over to hands bigger than mine to mold it, shape it, and redeem it.
oh there will be tears of joy and sadness...but, either way it's a life lived day by day in His hands...holding on to hers.
we love you camryn lee and are ever so thankful that you're here...continually telling the story that Jesus is greater, and He is good.
and i leave you with this...a song by chris tomlin on his new album burning lights.
it's been seven years tomorrow. seven years since our world came crashing down around us. seven years since i felt kicked in the stomach so hard, that it left a knot. a permanent knot that even to this day, oh heck even in this moment i still feel. the word leukemia became part of our vocabulary...i hate that word.
i can still vividly remember saying bye to my friend t as i left work to take camryn to the doctor. i left my desk in disarray, no sub plans on my desk, no what if it's more than just an easy fix...i'd be back tomorrow and all would be well. but, it wasn't.
sometimes i'd like to go back to that person i was...the person who didn't know this pain, who didn't know these realities, the person who viewed life through such different eyes. but, i can't.
so much has changed in seven years...so.much.
i'm not the same person i was. jason is not the same. camryn is not the same. the only person who might be unscathed is wyatt, but let's be honest his world has been shattered before too. so, we're all in process...we're all living our lives daily in His hands. we're not perfect, we don't have this whole parent of a child with cancer thing figured out. not even sure you can.
the other day i cried and cried with jason and it all came rushing back. the anger that some things are so dang hard for camryn. the hurt that there are things that cannot be repaired or replaced. just the sadness of it all.
but, then there's camryn.
of all the hurt i've felt magnify it a million times over and maybe, just maybe that would be a glimpse of what her heart feels. i'm wrestling with the reality that camryn knows...she knows that her life is different. she knows that there is a different reality to her. she knows the journey. and she knows the fear.
but, the best part...
it does not change who she is. she is the best 8 year old around. she is talented, smart, funny, compassionate, loving, and just the best thing ever. my heart cannot contain the love that i feel for her. she teaches me daily what it means to live life to the fullest, and live life loving Jesus every step of the way.
she teaches me.
and really that is the best gift of the past seven years. that camryn is here, she is here teaching her momma's heart how to love God more, how to trust Him more, how to live by faith more.
how to be more.
how to take the garbage and the beauty of the last seven years and make it more than that. handing it over to hands bigger than mine to mold it, shape it, and redeem it.
oh there will be tears of joy and sadness...but, either way it's a life lived day by day in His hands...holding on to hers.
we love you camryn lee and are ever so thankful that you're here...continually telling the story that Jesus is greater, and He is good.
and i leave you with this...a song by chris tomlin on his new album burning lights.
Sovereign
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
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