it's good to be home...

Honestly, there is no better place than home after you've made the hospital "home" for a week...the enjoyment of the comforts of home that for the past week had been lost are wonderful now...as I type this I am relaxing on the couch instead of trying to be comfortable in the chair/pull out bed. So much more comfortable...

Camryn's resting peacefully in her bed with her nightlight on instead of the greenish glow of the IV machines...there will be no beeps tonight, there will be no monitors going off...no trips to the bathroom every two hours...no none of those things. There will be peace...peace in her body, as she just comfortably closed her eyes and went to sleep. She's a beautiful angel sleeping oh so peacefully, while inside her body a war is raging and right now the arsenic seems to be winning.

Camryn's doctors were very pleased today to see improvements in her levels, which seem to indicate that the arsenic is starting to work its magic. The arsenic is attacking those cursed leukemia cells and letting her body rest...go into remission. We pray that the arsenic works...that Camryn's body over the next few weeks can find peace and the leukemia is defeated. Right now Camryn's biggest struggle is her legs...she is have some severe leg pain as a result of her leukemia and to add to that being in a bed for a week and not really using her legs as added to the noodle feeling. We are hopeful that as she begins to move more and more she can find some relief...

Tonight we were able to let Camryn take a quick bath and we gently washed her hair. She has a central line which makes bathtime a little less fun than normal...but, she didn't really care. The warm water felt good on her legs and I think clean hair felt good too. After her bath I changed her line dressing...I will say she was perfect. Stayed still...followed directions and of course Wyatt was carefully watching over the process calling me a "doctor"...yeah, we are quite the medical family.

Wyatt was especially thrilled to have Camryn home...he could not sit close enough to her tonight...he wanted to "be" with her at all times. Yes, he truly is a little brother who absolutely loves his big sister...it's so priceless to see them interact together, that's something I will cherish over these next few weeks...I will keep those moments deep in my heart.

Jason and I are finally able to be home at the same time...it's nice. We are still trying to sort all the stuff out far as schedules...and such, but being home makes it so much easier. Jason heads back to work tomorrow so I will be taking Camryn down to clinic everyday, but thankfully her appointments are in the mornings so we should be home to have the afternoon and evenings together as a family.

Now we begin to savor these next few weeks...

What lies ahead of us is transplant for the second time and honestly it is a very scary reality...to go there again is hard. Over these next few weeks Jason and I could use your prayers to begin to release our fears and release our hurts and begin to hand the whole transplant process over. To let go...

I know in my head that Camryn is doing what she needs to...that this arsenic treatment and a bone marrow transplant are necessary, but my heart...well, that's another story. I want to scream at this disease to leave her alone, to shake my fits in the air at having to watch her suffer again, to be angry, to be mad...yes, I want to do all those things.

But, I am reminded that all of those things are for me...they would make me feel better but I'm not sure they would do much good for Camryn.

You see I have to believe for her...I have to have courage for her...I have to be her rock, Jason and I both do. We have to be for her what Christ is to us...

So when she lashes out at us...when she says her angry words...when she is just broken, we keep loving her. We keep holding her and assuring her that she will be alright, that we love her and we always will. I guess that's a picture for me of what the Lord is doing for me, His child.

After all it's good to be home...safe within my Father's arms. There is great comfort to be found at home for Camryn...just like there is great comfort for me with my Father...

May I be "home" with my Father throughout these next few weeks as we prepare for the long stretch of being away from home.