end of june...

A year ago we started a journey that quite honestly I did not know where it would lead. Camryn came home on June 29th of last year and so it has been a complete year of being home.

A long year...

A blessed year...

A hard year...

A hopeful year...

Camryn and Wyatt have grown throughout this year and I am so incredibly thankful for what the Lord has given to me as their mommy. I am grateful for being on the other side of the year...

This year has stretched me to a degree that I did not know was possible and yet I know there is much growth that needs to continue. Isn't that the nature of our walk with our Saviour...growing, learning, pruning, breaking, molding. Again and again the images of a potter with the clay...

When I was in college I took a ceramics class, it was a challenge...I barely survived the wheel. Throwing pot after pot...trying to get the feel of the clay in my hands, desperately wanting the clay to just do what I wanted...forcing, too much pressure. The clay was able to move as I directed it, but I became impatient. Hopeful that maybe in some ways I would become a master potter...but, that never happened.

I struggled to throw 6 cyclinders that would be cut in half to see if each side was equal...in some way to prove that I had mastered it. I would go night after night pleading with my clay to just be...

Funny how I feel now that my potter is pleading with my heart...

Just be.

A year behind us, a year ahead of us. We are not entirely sure what Camryn's school year looks like. We are not sure of the next step with her line or her Lovenox. We are hopeful that in the next year more and more of life will come.

But the potter is quietly whispering...

Just be.

Be still...and know that I am God.

struggling sunday...

Not sure why, but just about every Sunday a flood of emotions rage in me. And today is no different.

Part of it is that I'm not feeling well, battling a massive headache that seems to ebb and flow. One minute I can wash a few dishes and fold a bit of laundry; the next minute I can barely see straight...yeah, it's not so fun.

And part of it is the constant reminders that Sunday brings...life is not what it was. I cannot escape it no matter how hard I try, and believe me I try. It has been 18 months since our family has gone to church together regularly. Oh we've attended the a few services here and there for special reasons, but the consistent church-going is not a part of our lives at this time. Jason has been attending and that has been a great thing for him, but I know that he misses us as we stay home and I try desperately to find something to fill the space.

It's hard.

Today I've just been so melancholy longing for what was before when we would head to church, grab some lunch and be a family doing something that is a core part of us. But for 18 months that has been changed, altered and it is really hard to find rest for our weary souls. I am beginning to really understand and believe in the importance of the body of Christ...not in just attending church, but being a part...participating in what it means to be His church.

It is increasingly harder and harder to try to find some balance, we are so ready for parts of our life to find us again. I long for friendships, acquaintances, interactions with others. Part of the hardship is just knowing that life is moving forward without you...

But, that has always been a hardship.

There are so many layers to the outcomes of having a child with cancer. So many things that you wish someone would have told you...so many feelings that come without warning and try as you might you would love to just live again. Today has been one of those days...

After we ate some lunch and I was playing with Camryn's hair she asked me if I could put it in a ponytail for her. I thought well we could try...her hair is still pretty short and very curly, but let's see. So we did, I was able to get two little ponytails and the rest clipped down and you know what? I saw Camryn for the first time...the Camryn before she relapsed...the grown up Camryn. She is running around looking in every mirror and admiring her ponytails...she sees the difference too and she likes it.

I smile when I think of her hair coming back, it may seem simple; but it's huge.

And yet today I struggle to find a balance between what was and what is.

And that struggle always seems to find me on Sunday.

bowling & the beach...

::: Bowling Fun :::

This past Thursday we celebrated our niece Tori's 5th birthday! What fun we had bowling and eating dinner out...such fun! We were the only party at the bowling alley so the kids had a blast bowling. Camryn and Wyatt had never bowled before and they loved it, they were quite into it and completely enjoyed trying something new.

Wyatt watching...this boy is hilarious striking his various poses.



After making a good shot...all Wyatt wanted to do is score. He doesn't quite get the lingo of bowling, but he sure thought he had a lot points!



These two are the best of friends, honestly I'm not sure what Wyatt would do without Riley. He adores her and they have too much fun together...



Camryn and James...I'm not sure there is anyone in the world who means as much to Camryn as James does. She loves him and adores him...they are best friends in so many ways. I love this picture, they are just getting too big.



Camryn showing her bowling skills...



Here they are again...Wy & Ry oh the bond they share.



Camryn and Tori, the birthday girl...these two are funny, funny girls. What a neat friendship they have...



We are so thankful for family, an incredible treasure. This birthday party was a bittersweet in that it was the last birthday party that the Mikels family will be together for. This summer Jason's sister and her family are moving to Colorado, it is a great opportunity for them and we are happy for them. But, we are all very sad...we love them so and it just won't be the same.

::: Beach Day :::

On Friday we headed to the beach for the day, first beach trip of the summer. Both Camryn and Wyatt love the beach, they are beach bums for sure. They enjoy the sand, every bit of it; they aren't big fans of the water, but I'm sure in time.

My three loves...



A Daddy and his best girl...



Running and playing...enjoying a day together.



Classic beach babe pose...Camryn loves the beach, thankfully we found some line guards and she was able to enjoy the day.



Silly Daddy and Silly Wyatt



Wyatt LOVES his Teddygrams!



Sweet Cam...


We are thoroughly enjoying our summer...as I write this the kids are out playing baseball with their Daddy. Yep, it's summer and it is a wonderful change of pace. Our hearts need rest and renewal...so thankful for family, friends and fun!

results...

Insert *sigh* here...

Today we got Camryn's echo results...per the echo her clot remains unchanged. Sigh...

Jason and I are both a bit discouraged, we were so very hopeful that after a year on Lovenox that in some way we would say good-bye to the nightly shots. But, that's not to be...at least not yet. Camryn's nurse practitioner said that she would talk with Dr.M and see what the future plan is. In essence where do we go from here? Do the shots continue? Could an oral medication be taken at this point? Would removing her line change things? I emailed her NP later today and have yet to hear back, just hoping for some change in some way.

Giving your sweet girl nightly shots stinks...

And we are tired of it...

No one more so than Camryn.

:: And yet...::

Camryn's labs came back great...her numbers are doing really well and the numbers look strong and steady. We are very pleased...very!

So in light of a disappointment we are trying to keep things in perspective and realize that it could be a lot worse. And at times when I need reassurance I look into the most beautiful blue eyes and realize...

Camryn rode her bike today...

Camryn built a mini "It's a Small World" ride...

Camryn entertained me with her songs...

Camryn made a video on the laptop...

Yep, all in a day she lived and you know that's what it's all about. That's the true result to celebrate...

Camryn is doing awesome, of course we'd love to have things be *perfect* and *easy*. But, I love her little face sleeping soundly in her bed...yep, that's the result worth everything.

disneyland, clinic, echo...

Whew, the last two days have been very full...fun, but full!

Yesterday, my friends T & C invited Camryn, Wyatt and me to join them and there little ones for a day at Disneyland. With school finishing up on Friday we of course jumped at the chance! My friend T and her little girl E rode down with us, oh my goodness if you could have seen the three little kids laughing it up and singing along with the Disney cd all the way down. Fun! We met C and her little guy C at the gate and headed in for fun...first stop Dumbo!

We had a very fun day of rides, food, fun and friends. The kids were fabulous...I must admit that this was the kids and my first trip to Disneyland without Jason and the kids were wonderful! We had a lot of fun!

Camryn was very brave and tried a few rides that she had never rode before and enjoyed them immensely! After lunch and the rockets C and C headed home and the rest of us headed to California Adventure. We had such fun riding a few rides, eating ice cream and waiting for the parade. Camryn and Wyatt love little E so much and what fun they had chatting and enjoying the parade together. After the parade we headed back to Disneyland for a few more rides and dinner. After dinner the kids caught a bit of a second wind while T and I were fading fast. Made our last rounds and headed home...

At 9:00! Yep, the kids did great and we stayed as long as they were able...we changed into pj's and headed home. As we headed out of the parking structure we saw the fireworks from the car and as Camryn said, "What a perfect way to end a perfect day."

Indeed it was such fun...thanks T & C for inviting us to join you. We sure are blessed by some amazing friends, love you!

Being that we got home late last night this morning's clinic wake up call was not the most pleasant, but the fact that Wyatt was tagging along with us made it a bit better. All four of us headed to clinic as school is out and Camryn just loves when all of us go with her.

We got to clinic saw Camryn's nurse practitioner and Dr.M...it was a great appointment. Everyone said "Camryn looked great!". Things are pretty much stable and are staying the same...no real changes. Although Dr.M did say he is open to begin discussing taking Camryn's line out...Yay! We had not heard back on Camryn's labs, so at this point no news is good news and we'll hear tomorrow. Hopeful that maybe this summer Camryn can get her line out and begin that new feeling of normal.

At 9:00 we headed to the Heart Center for Camryn's echocardigram. We were pleased to see a familiar tech and Camryn did great! It was cute as this time she was very into the echo asking all sorts of questions and such. The tech was super and answered ALL Camryn's questions, explaining the pictures, heart rhythms, beating, pulses, etc...it was amazing. The tech didn't reveal anything about Camryn's clot, but did say her heart looked amazing, very strong! And you know after 75 days of total arsenic treatment in her life a strong heart is a complete miracle. Believe me that little tidbit did not go unnoticed, not one bit.

Camryn's heart is a treasure...her physical heart. I was in awe watching her valves open and shut, the red and blood colors of blood flow, the sounds of the rhythms, the sounds of the flow...all of it. Camryn was too, it was very cool. So cool in fact that the tech gave Camryn a picture of her four chambers to bring home...yep, that picture will hang on her bulletin board right by her perfect EKG. How many kids do you know with those certificates in their rooms? :)

We will wait for the results, but you know tonight I have an extreme sense of peace. Maybe because I'm exhausted to the point that my eyes are half shut as a type, but I really think it is something more. Today at clinic as I listened to Dr.M's excitement in his voice at how well Camryn is doing, as I watched Wyatt smile at his sister, as I watched Camryn enjoy her brother to the fullest, as I took it all in I realized that we can either be anxious and nervous at every juncture or trust it as it is.

As we sat waiting for the echo Jason said that he was nervous about what would happen if they took Camryn's line out and she got sick again...to which I smiled and said "we've already lived that." And we have, and we have to trust that if we ever live it again the Lord will meet us again and again and again. It is incredibly hard to live that that every day, it is.

After Camryn's echo we headed back to clinic as I had forgotten to ask for some prescription refills. While I waited there was a mother standing in the hall way sobbing as the social worker talked with her...my heart froze. I'd been that mother, I am that mother...

Maybe one day the sting, the hurt of those moments will not be as pronounced...I'm not sure, but one thing I know for certain is that there is no escaping those moments that your world fell apart. There is no place you can hide those raw, vulnerable feelings, no hole deep enough. I stood there and just prayed and asked the Lord to be with her, her child and her future.

Knowing that in many ways I am still that mother in the hallway and learning to live again...

dad, daddy, fathers...

“We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents.” ~Henry Ward Beecher

I believe this to be true...when you start parenting that little life in your hands and you start to love something so profoundly outside of yourself, you find at that moment what being a parent is truly about.

I told my friend recently that parenthood is not for wimps...and it's true. And in this day and age I truly believe that fatherhood, being a dad is quite possibly one of the most incredible things ever.

For thirty-five years I have been beyond blessed by my dad, he is an incredible man. A man who I cherish for his wisdom, his patience, his guidance, his belief in me, his love. Never once have I doubted his love for me, oh I may have pitched my fits and I may have wondered why I wasn't getting my way...but his love for me was the constant the steady of my life. I remember once in high school someone asking me how I knew my dad loved me and that answer was quite simple, because he is there. My dad was my greatest cheerleader and my greatest critic; he believed the best in me and saw my failures. I am who I am today because of the molding of my dad and I am richly blessed.

My children are equally blessed to have Jason for their Daddy. They love that he has for them runs so deep, so true and so consistent. I am in awe of the many things that he has encountered as a daddy and remained true to his belief, his standards, his faith. Jason's journey as a father has not been the easiest, he practically lived in the hospital with Camryn through her first transplant, never once complaining, never once needing to get a way as it was overwhelming. No, he was there...he showed up throughout every big moment for Camryn and he does still. And Wyatt has an incredible man to model his life after...and incredible man of God, of love, of faith, of trust. My children are richly blessed.

And for grandpas they could not have a richer heritage of faith and love investing in them. The legacy that my dad and Jason's dad give to our kids is amazing a gift truly beyond measure and I am amazed daily at the investment they make in my children.

I am thankful...for men who are consistently there for Camryn and Wyatt. Who model for them what it means to live a life for Christ and to love deeply and serve fully.

Happy Father's Day...

update on medical life...

Our positive thoughts on switching medical groups for Camryn were again confirmed yesterday...

We got an authorization in the mail for Camryn's echo...

And a message confirming an appointment for Tuesday.

So after months of waiting Camryn will have her echo this Tuesday! Very thankful!

last day...

As I write this Camryn is finishing her last day of kindergarten. If I'm honest I am completely amazed that this year is over...kindergarten, her first year of school is almost done. If you have been reading awhile you know that one of the heartaches of Camryn's relapse was losing "school". When Camryn was first sick the hope, the promise, the idea of school was always out there on the horizon. And the better Camryn did the more and more that hope came into focus for us. We had begun to fill out her application for kindergarten and started planning which testing date would be best and so on. Then it all fell apart...

And today it is complete.

Complete, but not in any way I would ever imagined it to be. But that is the beauty of it. The Lord in all His goodness took this broken dream and made something new. He did not just give us what we wanted as that would never be possible, but He gave us what we, Camryn needed.

Two amazing teachers...Mrs.F and Mrs.W have been the most amazing teachers for Camryn. Teaching her to read, write, add, subtract, cut, glue, color, enjoy school, and have a taste of reclaiming a bit of what was lost.

Excited for Camryn to finish...

Excited for summer to come...

Excited that a bit of healing has come to my heart...

Thankful that throughout a long year hope came...

Class of 2010, Camryn completes kindergarten.

guess what?!

We officially have an authorization for Camryn's echocardigram! Woohoo!

Funny how we switched insurance group and officially got her authorization last Friday for Camryn to see her Hemoc team; and now we have the echo authorization. So thankful we made the switch!

Camryn's nurse practitioner is trying to get an echo scheduled for June 22nd as we well already be at clinic so it would save us a trip. This next clinic appointment is a exciting because they are going to run extensive blood work to see how mature Camryn's immune system is.

Hopeful that it is making progress...

Hopeful for an echo...

Hopeful so hopeful that the blood clot is smaller, or better yet gone...

Hopeful to stop the Lovenox shots...

Hopeful for lots and so thankful that things are moving along...

Thanks for your constant thoughts and encouragement!

a hurt we can't fix...

This past weekend was very nice. Jason and Camryn have one final week of school so summer has not officially started for this family, but this weekend we did a few summer type things.

On Friday we had lunch with my cousins Darin and Steven...Darin is visiting with his sons from Texas and Steven well he is the best chiropractor in town. I'm not biased at all. :) We very much enjoyed hanging out together, been a long while since the three of us got to spend time together and it was very fun. Since I only have an older sister Darin and Steven were the closest to brothers I ever had, I cherish them.

After lunch we headed to Jason's parents house to say good - bye to his grandparents here visiting from Illinois. We have so enjoyed having them here, I enjoy talking with them and just being around them. Both sets of my grandparents have passed away so I very much enjoy being loved on by them, but more than that I love seeing Camryn and Wyatt know their great-grandparents. What a treasure, what a legacy...it is a gift to us.

Saturday we headed over to my Aunt Wanda's for a family get together in honor of Darin being in town. It was fun to see family who we don't get to see too often...nice to talk with them and be around people for a bit. It was a nice warm day so some of the kids hit the pool and were laughing and enjoying the water. We had a nice time, really we did; but there was a hurt lurking that we just can't fix.

All the while the kids were playing in the pool I watched Camryn's face...she was heart-broken, but handling it well. But, I knew that tears would come just didn't quite know when. Camryn had a very hard time knowing how to answer the questions about why she wasn't swimming...she would look over at me as if to say Mommy please help. Camryn cannot swim yet because she still has her central line and cannot submerge it in water. We do have a line guard for mini-water activities, but swimming is off the list of available activities. So, Camryn sat and watched along with Wyatt. Wyatt didn't go in either as if I'm honest I'm not sure how to handle him getting to do things she can't. Maybe that's bad, I'm not sure...but it is one of those things in this journey that just stinks. They eventually wanted to put their feet in and had a really great time with their cousins...so much fun that they did not want to leave at all.

But, as her mommy I knew that at some point it would all catch up with her. And it did.

That night while we were changing her line dressing the tears just started to fall and she was so upset. Not upset at the other kids...not upset at Jason or me...No she was upset at that "stupid line". She cried and I really had nothing to say...I can't say it'll be okay, because right now I have no idea how long she'll have the line. When she said, "I'm the only one, the only one in the family with a line, I'm not like everyone else...it stinks."

And it does.

I hate the great tandem that this journey has. There are moments of complete joy, fun and normalcy that cannot be denied. But, lurking is a hurt and there are things that just cannot be for Camryn and I hate that.

We are trying to figure out some fun summer water fun, but it's hard. Hard when we cannot go swimming as she absolutely loves to swim. Hard when we get the invite to a pool party...it's not that we don't want to go, but do I really want her heart to ache over sitting outside knowing she's different? I'm not sure...I'm sure it will be a moment by moment decision.

But for today I went and bought small (36 inch) kiddie pools to put some water in so they can splash and play...and that will be good enough for Camryn. Because normal days she's great, she lives the life in front of her with out complaint or worry. But it's those days when she sees and participates in the life that is not yet hers that sometimes it just too much for her six-year-old heart.

So for the past days I've been laying it at my Lord's feet, knowing that I can't fix the hurt, but He can.

And He does...just wish sometimes it was more quickly coming, but I guess at some point acceptance of what is, is a victory in itself. Hopeful that maybe sometime soon the line with be distance history...Camryn's deal with it almost 16 months now. That's a long time...

I cannot wait until this hurt can be fixed...

beauty...

...But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
we have this hope:



Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes



Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...



in the morning, beauty will rise



So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe
for you



Cuz I have seen
the signs of spring!
Just watch and see:



Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes



Out of these ashes...beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning...
in the morning...



I can hear it in the distance
and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a fest.



I can almost feel the hand of God
reaching for my face
to wipe the teas away, and say,
"It's time to make everything new."



"Make it all new"



This is our hope.
This is our promise.
This is our hope.
This is our promise.
That it will take our breath away
to see the beauty that's been made
out of the ashes...
out of the ashes...



Oh, Beauty will rise
Oh, Beauty will rise...

~ Steven Curtis Chapman

celebrating a very special year...

As promised, here are a few shots of our very fun and full Disneyland trip in honor of Camryn's very special year and Wyatt for making it possible.

Heading into the park...Camryn and Wyatt were beyond excited! Truly it was a very special way to celebrate a very special occasion.



Love these two...of course we had to head straight to Camryn & Wyatt's most favorite ride "Dumbo"! These are their darling faces after getting to ride Dumbo together with their Daddy...what fun. Who knew a flying elephant could be such fun?




Camryn loves hats so of course we headed to the Mad Hatter shop. And of course I could not resist snapping this shot...Class of 2010 Kindergarten Graduating Class. Throughout this year Camryn conquered kindergarten...she did well, learned a lot and will head to first grade in the fall. Super Job Cam!



A ride on the teacups is a must for these three. I would much rather snap pictures from the non moving ground, or at least no the ground spinning round and round.



Love this picture...waiting in line for It's a Small World. Wyatt and his Daddy are the best of buddies so it is just too cute to see Wyatt's arm lovingly around his Daddy's neck.



On Sunday, Rob's family joined us for a very fun day. It was a very special treat to have them with us. Camryn & Wyatt adore their cousins and they LOVE Riley & Lil Sweet P too! Here are the cutest kids ready to head to It's a Small World. What fun to watch Camryn, Wyatt and Riley enjoy the sights together...it is a treasure, truly a very cherished moment.







And then there's this little gift of hope...Sweet P. Camryn and Wyatt adore Sweet P and just love watching her as she grows, they truly are the proudest of cousins and just love her so. I love the looks of love and the darling little face of Sweet P.



Uncle T and Auntie Ali also joined in for the fun...Camryn was thrilled that they were coming and she got her Uncle T on Dumbo and they shared the ride together. It was great to spend the day with T and Ali...we sure do appreciate them coming!



I love the look on Jason and his brother Rob's faces...it's almost as if they are enjoying the ride even more than the kids!



And here are the brothers...



And a rare picture of the sisters, most of the time we are behind the camera. And as Devon said we did not plan on matching, that usually is our husbands deal.



We went to the water play area in California Adventure...but, Wyatt did not want to enjoy it with us. Which surprises me because he runs hot and it was a rather warm day...but, nope not even a chance he was going to cool off.




But, Camryn she LOVED it...we took her line guard and she had a blast cooling off. I loved watching her smile and laugh, it was priceless.




And of course no trip would be complete without checking out the Toy Story ride...I wasn't sure Camryn and Wyatt would like the ride, but they loved it! Lots of fun for sure!



Auntie Heather and Tori joined us as well, but unfortunately I did not get any good pictures with them. But Camryn was thrilled Tori came and had lots of fun chatting, singing and just being silly with Tori...it was darling these two little girls chatting and chatting. So special to have them with us too.

We had a super day celebrating a very special journey, a very special year and we are very thankful for our family joining us. Our family has been a huge part of this journey and we are so very thankful for them and all that they mean to us.

Disneyland was perfect...a perfect cherry on top of a crazy, long, meaningful and eventful year.

haven't forgotten...

Just in case you'd thought I'd forgotten to post pics of our very exciting celebration of Camryn's year, I haven't. I'm just caught between getting my laptop back into the land of the living so I'm having to install some software so that I can now upload pics to my computer as opposed to Jason's work computer. I know you were all dying to know that. :)

Anyways, it should be done shortly so like tomorrow pics will be posted...

::::::::::::::::::::::

In other news...

Monday we had an appointment with Camryn's new primary care doctor (pediatrician). I was nervous, not going to lie...I just knew I would have to retell Camryn's story, the entire journey and you know sometimes my heart just can't take it. Plus, I knew the doctor's office was somewhere in the same building as Camryn's peds hemoc clinic, but I didn't know where exactly. And for those of you with UCLA experience, UCLA medical center is a big place.

We got off the elevator on the all familiar floor and noticed that Camryn's new pediatrician's office was in the same suite as her clinic. Guess after countless trips I had totally forgotten her clinic suite number. That being said, all the people where our same friends. Same receptionist, a familiar nurse, and all the usual familiar faces were there. All of this made Camryn very at ease, she was nervous too; didn't quite know what to expect. When Dr.L came in he was so kind and caring, I liked him immediately. Jason and I talked with him and he asked some questions, but it was obvious that he had done a bit of research on his new patient. No crazy questions like "Are you new here at UCLA?". Yes, we've heard that question. He talked about his role in her care and everything just seemed to flow. We explained our insurance craziness and he agreed that moving Camryn to UCLA was in fact the best decision. He assured us he would make all necessary referrals and to call if we needed anything at all...and hopefully he would see us soon as Camryn gets better and better.

Would you believe that Camryn's referral went in Monday morning and would be approved by Monday afternoon? Yes, that is efficient and for Camryn that's what we need. Jason and I both left with a feeling of peace, knowing that hopefully we had made the best decision in order to continue Camryn's care with doctors and nurses who love her so. I am ever so thankful for our journey with amazing people!

Sometimes it's just nice to have a gentle reminder that the Lord's hands are much bigger than mine and He is carrying Camryn through always.

memorable...

Friday was a very memorable day...being Camryn & Wyatt's celebration of a year post-transplant. The kids and I went to lunch and had some fun together, we did a little window shopping and just hung out together. We headed home and I got ready to head to 8th grade graduation, it was a wonderful ceremony. It is always very bittersweet for me to see my kids move on...guess that's the life of a teacher. This class was a challenge and yet a breath of fresh air...a true oxymoron. They challenge me as their teacher and yet caused me to breathe for the first time in a while...because we finished the year. While I was at graduation Jason and the kids went to my parents for dinner and some hang out time with Cousin Josh and his girlfriend Carly...they enjoyed it. After dinner they all headed to Jason's softball game...Jason has been playing Friday night summer softball with the boys for a long time. Like for over 10 years...he thoroughly enjoys it. Playing with his brothers, high school friends and new found friends...it is lots of fun for him and the kids love hanging out with the other fans! Lots of fun!

Saturday we headed out to 12th grade graduation...I had been asked to be the graduation speaker for this amazing group of students. It was a honor, probably one of the highest I have ever received as a teacher...no it was the highest honor. Jason and the kids came with me, along with my mom and dad and Jason's mom and grandparents came too...I greatly appreciate them coming and supporting me. In some ways speaking to large groups comes very naturally to me, my mom says I got that from her and any of you that know my mom in real life knows that's not the case...nope, got that trait from my dad. What I was nervous about...is saying something significant...something that touches someone's heart, not from my words, but from the Lord's. I survived...and said my farewells to the class of 2010. I will miss them, they hold a very special place in my heart.

After graduation we came home and packed up to head to Disneyland...yes, in honor of Camryn and Wyatt's year we took them to Disneyland! We hung out there in the late afternoon/evening and then headed to our hotel as we were going to do Disneyland today as well.

Today was an amazing day...so incredibly special! We had invited Jason's family to join us if they'd like at Disneyland...Jason's brother Rob and his family came, his brother Travis and his wife and his sister Heather and her little girl. Wow, how very special they made Camryn feel...she absolutely had the time of her life.

It was wonderful...and I'll post pics tomorrow! We are very tired and have a very full day ahead of us tomorrow.

Tomorrow we head to UCLA super early to meet Camryn's new doctor Dr.L, please pray that we have a good meeting and that the transfer goes smoothly.

Thanks R.D.R.P.T.A.H.T...for making Camryn & Wyatt's day memorable...We love you!

one year...

Just gonna let that sink in for a minute...one whole year.



There is much to say of all that encompassed this past year and in some ways I don't know where to begin...

On June 4, 2009 we had no idea quite where the road of transplant would take us. There were many unknowns that loomed large and so many questions, doubts and worries. This day marked a new start of sorts for Camryn...many call it a "birthday". A start of new life...again.

I can vividly remember walking down the hall between Wyatt's room and Camryn's room feeling almost as if it was a dream...some sort of nightmare, where we were caught between reality and fantasy. How could this all be happening? Wondering what the following days might bring for both Wyatt, the donor and Camryn, the recipient. For both of them it was going to be a journey, a fight and hopefully a victory.

I am pleased to say this little donor is doing fabulously...he gave and gave to his sister that day a year ago. He was wheeled away and I am not sure even now where Jason and I found the strength to let him go...I just could not imagine the enormity of the gift he was giving and I often wonder when his mind can fully grasp it all what he will say.



And the survivor...






She is kicking and screaming with everything she's got to be well. For all that it means for her body, mind and spirit she is fighting. Really, Camryn is doing awesome, but there are constant reminders of what has been lost for her. So even today in celebration of a year, it is hard to escape what might have been.

But, really there are two what might have beens that play through my heart...what if Camryn never relapsed, what might our lives look like then? And probably the hardest what might have been? What if Camryn did not make it through transplant? You see for all that is lost from relapsing there is much to be gained by making it this far. Oh we know Camryn has an incredibly far way to go...ask anyone battling cancer, it's never quick and easy. But for now she is a year post-transplant and that is a gift beyond measure.

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I found these notes on the kitchen table this morning...

Camryn -
Congratulations on 1 year since you got Wyatt's juice. I am so proud of you. You have done such an amazing job and have listened well to your doctors. I cannot believe just how amazing you are with all that you have to do. Thank you for being so great in going to the doctors, taking your medicine, getting your shots and doing your line changes. You are my hero and I am so happy to have you as my daughter. I love you so much. I am so proud of you and we will have a great time at Disneyland. Have a great day.
Love,
Daddy

Wyatt -
You are such an amazing little boy. You have been our blessing since the first day we found out about you. It has been a year since you gave Camryn your juice and I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. You have shown that you will take care of your sister and be what she needs. Thank you for being a great little brother to Camryn and for always making sure she is ok. You are my best buddy and I love you very much.
Love,
Daddy

These notes melted my heart, they capture our thoughts are parents perfectly.

It's been a long year, a full year and a grateful year...

Filled with much hope for 6.4.11 and many more days after that.

always something...

Today was a bit of a whirlwind of a day...wasn't planned to be that way, but nonetheless it was.

Started out by me having to leave for work a lot earlier than normal as it was our 8th grade graduation practice and I had to be there to practice reading the names of the graduates. After practice was over I headed back to my room with plans to clean and finish up some work, but I was followed by a pack of 8th grade students who just wanted to hang out for awhile. As I sat and chatted and listened to them and really just was there to be there while they talked of ending 8th grade I watched the clock tick and alas nothing got done. Oh well...some days are just like that, got to seize the moment and realize that cleaning and organizing will get done, but those kids will only be in my world of 8th grade a few more days.

I headed home to meet my mom to head to run some errands. When I got home I was surprised to find Camryn still "at" school with Mrs.W, evidently Mrs.W had to push Camryn's time back so now we were just waiting for Camryn to finish school. But, our plans for errands and lunch got interrupted. When Camryn finished school Mrs.W had some forms for me to fill out in order to drop Camryn from Carlson (the name of her school) or re-enroll her for the fall. As much as my heart said to drop Camryn and enroll her in Village, my head knew better. I would love to say that Camryn will be attending a traditional school in the fall, but that would be false hope. That's not to say that Camryn might be able to go to first grade in the fall, but that is something that I have learned not to wait for those things; but rather take today for today.

After the papers were signed and I said a little prayer for my heart to just let go and trust in that moment we headed out to run errands. We had fun and then headed to my parent's house for some dinner. Always nice to eat dinner with my parents, mostly because my mom always makes yummy food and she makes my favorites! Yum!

When we arrived home there on our front porch was Camryn's mail order medicine and guess what...they send the pills instead of the liquid, fabulous! Now we are fighting through that...I would gladly take the pills, but they are a bit large for Camryn to get down. We have had tons of issues with this specific medication and I will be so glad when Camryn is off of it, but for now we will try or best to find a happy medium. We had plans tonight to finalize our ideas for Camryn's year celebration, but because of pharmacies and medicines we are just dealing with what needs to be done.

Yes, it is always something...but I guess that is just what it is. If I keep in perspective that it could be worse...where we were last year on this Wednesday was the eve of transplant and a million unknowns loomed before us. Now, we are just dealing with the life of a leukemia survivor and a donor...and parents trying our best to trust and believe.

For there is always something in this life...all of us, no matter how great or how small. But, thankfully our Lord is big enough to carry all of it no matter the size. I'm so thankful that our lives our lived in His hands, especially on days like today.