the one with lots of pictures...

I am a little behind in picture posting, so I thought I would just try to catch up all at once...

On Valentine's Day we ordered some yummy take out and enjoyed the movie Up together. We had lots of fun...Jason and the kids enjoyed Up as it was their first time watching it. It's such a sweet movie, I love the story...

Have an adventure...guess in our lives we've had quite an adventure!

Love, Love, Love these faces and all that they mean to us...





It's fun to celebrate Valentine's Day as a family and especially for these two crazy kids who are the best of friends ever...



Last Saturday Jason and our neighbor Jack worked outside to put up a new gate on the side of our house...that meant that the kids spent almost the entire day outside. They had so much fun; especially since it was a sunny, then rainy, then sunny day!




Being teachers we enjoyed the President's Day holiday to the fullest...we went to Disneyland! They kids were SO excited to spend the day there...really they are not into all the rides, rather they love the experience of being there. There is just something about being in the happiest place on earth...

Especially when you meet up with your friends Mason & Maddie, who happen to be the exact same ages as Camryn & Wyatt...they had so much fun! We went on Autopia, played in Toontown and made plans to come again all together. I love that Camryn & Wyatt are making some friends, it's great for them.

Of course the first ride of the day...Small World!



Camryn & Wyatt decided they would be big and ride together just them...it was too cute!



While we were waiting for Jason, Bert stopped and chatted with the kids while they were looking at their maps. It was darling...he asked where were they headed and all sorts of questions. They loved it...it's truly a jolly holiday!





And no trip is complete without Wyatt checking to see if Mater and Rookie were there...he doesn't quite get that they never leave. :) But, he LOVES Rookie so it's always a must for Wyatt! He cannot wait until CARS land opens in 2012...poor guy thinks it is coming soon...how do I explain a year to him?!




Toy Story Mania Fun...it was girls against the boys. The boys won, but Wyatt was crushed that his Daddy beat him. Yep, our Mikels kids aren't competitive at all! wink, wink...







The one picture I got with the kids and Mason & Maddie and only Mason cooperated...oh well, we had lots of fun and great memories!



Hope you had a great couple of weeks...we sure have!

this isn't a race...

Rather it is more of a journey. That's how I feel right about now about where we are as a family through Camryn's leukemia. Sometimes I think going through this a second time has left a lot of hard expectations to navigate through. The first time through Camryn sailed...really, she did great! But, that greatness was short-lived in that she relapsed only to find herself fighting for her life again.

Now, the second time it is surely a journey in patience, trust, and hope.

Yesterday, Camryn headed to clinic...all in all everything went well! She got to see Dr.M and Dr.W which is great! We love getting to see Dr.M...he again confirmed that she is doing fabulous. He had been out of town when Camryn was hospitalized earlier this month, but he knew all about it and was pleased she had come through her cold so well. Dr.W apologized for having to bring us in...we understood then and we understand now, this is what it is. They determined to lower Camryn's meds to 0.1, yay! The wean continues! We also asked Dr.M about Camryn's hands...

Let me explain.

We had been noticing that Camryn is unable to completely flatten out her hands or make a tight fist. On Friday we got her report that was awesome by the way, but on it her teacher said she is a reluctant writer...we began to wonder if maybe sometimes was wrong with her hands. As we know that there are a potential for a lot of side-effects when a little girl's body has been pumped full of chemotherapy, radiation, and lots of medications...so we had thought we would mention it to her doctors.

Dr.M calmly said that GVH can get into the tendons and affect the hands...he had seen it before. Jason says it was great in how calmly Dr.M was...so they are referring her for occupational therapy or physical therapy. We should get the referral in a few days...if I'm honest I was a bit bummed about the whole thing. I guess it is another thing to add to Camryn's list. But, after thinking about it I realize that honestly it could be so much worst! Plus, if this is what she needs this is what we will do. I am not sure how the scheduling will work out, but I know that the Lord keeps opening doors and working out the details so I'm trusting it will be okay.

Later in the day Dr.W called saying that Camryn's liver enzymes were high so they decided not to lower her tacrolimus. So, she is on 0.2mls...I was sad.

Honestly, I know that Camryn has to be off of tacrolimus in order to go to school...and I was hopeful when they lowered it that it might mean only one more month and then there would be 4 to 5 months before school. I was sad, because we'd lost a month.

I try to keep perspective...really I do, but it is hard. At times I wish I could snap my fingers and just have things be normal. But, then I am gently reminded by my Lord that this is our normal. Jesus constantly finds my heart where I am and lets me know that no matter what He is carrying us through.

And He helps me see bigger...

Sweetly, gently, and lovingly reminding me that Camryn has come so far...so far. And the journey is that much sweeter for how far she has come. And that the glory is His...after all this is His story He is writing in my daughter's life. That in the grand scheme of things there is much to be thankful for.

And I need to remember...

That my God will come...He will make this right.

Last night at choir we were singing an amazing song called Your God Will Come, really it is my favorite song of this season. As we were singing someone mentioned the wording...and my friend Lauri spoke to what it means that our God "will come with a vengeance and divine holy fire". She talked about the Lord making all the wrong things right...that He will redeem all that has been lost. I looked at my friend Dawn and said, "I get that.". Dawn looked at me and said, "I will come in time, in His time." And really that's it...

Even though this isn't a race, in view of eternity it is. Because I will have all the time in the world to bask in the glory of His redemption.

And that means the world to me.

sometimes...

Sometimes I would love to just press pause, to completely capture and savor the moments.

Like today...

* Camryn was so excited to show me her report card...the smile on her face was priceless and she was so proud.

* Or when Wyatt and Camryn were painted and chatting...I wish I could record their conversation about what colors are made if you mix colors and so forth.

* Or the look in Wyatt's eye when he asked if he could eat the rest of the cupcake he had already taken a bite out of.

* Or how proudly they showed off the pictures they painted of each of them with their dogs...Camryn & Sydney and Wyatt & Sam.

* Or how I hear their little voices announce that "Mommy's home!" as I get out of the car and head to the door.

* Or how Camryn comes and sits by me just to tell me that she loves me.

* Or when Wyatt hits his head messing around and he just needs a hug from his mommy.

* Or the questions about going to Village and wearing their Wreckin' Cru shirts.

* Or listening to their little voices sing "Zacchaeus was a wee little man...".

Yes, all of that in one afternoon...and sometimes I wish these moments would last forever. Or maybe it is that I wish I could take more notice of them...

Sometimes I get so rushed with life that I miss the moments...and really, truly I hate that. But, today...

Today I am cherishing the moments, because in the moments the rest of the issues seem to fade and I see two little hearts that I adore...

And sometimes, most of the time that is quite simply enough.

what's up...

It's been awhile...

After we got back into our routine after our three day stay at hotel hospital, I got sick. It was not fun, not fun at all. Spent last week battling a cold, sinus, and flu like symptoms, nope not fun. After a week at work that honestly felt like f.o.r.e.v.e.r....I felt as though I was watching Squints from Sandlot saying "forever" over and over and over.

This past weekend we got to spend some time with our friend the Austs and exchange valentines and have pizza which is becoming our little family tradition. We are thankful for our friendship and what they mean to us. The kids loved playing with E and it was great to sit and chat and enjoy our dear friends. Saturday we cleaned the house...between life at the hospital and me being sick the house had been a bit neglected. Plus, Camryn's room needed some TLC. Let me say, I love my daughter immensely, but I greatly dislike her need to save everything. Every scrap of paper, every wrapper, every little memento...yep, she saves them all in every little place she can find in her room. So, Saturday was the great clean out of Camryn's room...I am pleased with how it turned out and so thankful that her and I made it through without tears and a struggle. And my fingers are crossed that her room stays clean for awhile. Sunday the choir sang in both services at church...it was fun, especially having breakfast with my dear friends the Lagasses. It was a special treat!

Sunday afternoon Jason and I went out for Valentine's Day...we headed to Third Street and shopped, walked around, and enjoyed the afternoon/evening. We ate a yummy dinner at Hillstone, it was great! I had so much fun enjoying the time with Jason...I am so thankful for my hubby. Truly, he is the best!

Monday we had our Valentine's fun with the kids, take out dinner and the movie Up. We all had a lot of fun together...so neat to share the day with my three loves.

Today when I got home Camryn announced that "she had faced her fear!" She lost her tooth...it was awesome! She was so incredibly proud of herself...so tonight I'm sure there will be a little pillow waiting for a little something. :)

I also started running today....we'll see how it goes, but it does feel good to do something. My body needs it, my mind needs it, and my heart needs it...so I'm hopeful the motivation will last.

And to completely catch you up...I started meal planning with lots of encouragement from my sister-in-law. It is going really well...in fact this week I have made two new meals that we have never had before and they were yummy. So...I feel accomplished!

Hope all is well with you all...thankful that we are making it through February.

cheer...

After over 48 hours in the hospital and 2 days fever free, Camryn was able to participate in VCS' cheer clinic...she had been looking forward to it for quite awhile so we were thrilled she was able to have some fun.

While Camryn was at clinic Wyatt hung out on the playground...



Camryn and her cheer coach Meg...






Meanwhile Wyatt hung out with the Mikels girls who came to cheer on Cam...





Camryn Loves VCS...









Camryn and her cheer coach CC...




Camryn and her favorite quarterback Kyle...



Camryn & Riley

2.7.06...2.7.11 = five years

Leukemia has been in our vocabulary for five years...

Not sure I can muster the strength to put all the thoughts in my head into words, but suffice it to say that these past five years have been a journey all their own.

Never did I expect that our world would take the turn it did five years ago today. Never did I expect that cancer would strike our family, let alone our 21 month old baby girl. Never did I expect my daughter's childhood would consist of a series of hospital visits, medicines, lines, shots, etc...Never did I expect our journey of a family to begin like this...

But, it has.

I could sit here and list my wishes, but I have learned that wishes are not really where I need spend my time. I could choose to live in the land of "what-ifs", but I have found that I need to choose to live in the land of "now". I cannot change the course of the past five years, but I can choose how I respond to them. I can choose to learn from them. I can choose to surrender to the plan of my Savior.

I will admit that I have not always done this...I've yelled, cried, screamed, and shook my fists at the sky demanding from my Lord a response, a reason.

As with life I am learning...learning that it takes a long time to mend a broken heart.

I recently read this...

You can give your love and devotion to amassing wealth, but eventually that lover will crush you.

You can give your love and devotion to gaining acceptance, but eventually that lover will shatter you.

You can give your love and devotion to a particular dream, but eventually that lover will disappoint you.

It's possible, in other words, that part of the reason you feel so shattered and so broken in the midst of your Plan B situations is that you gave your love and devotion to your plans and dreams instead of God.

It's something to keep in mind. Because how worthy, no matter how compelling, no matter how good - a dream makes a worthless god ~ Plan B by Pete Wilson

.

And really that is what these past five years has taught me...letting go of dreams. For all the wishes I had of being a mom and having a baby girl...those dreams and wishes changed five years ago. When I thought hair bows and dresses would be a priority, it became about life...her life and the gift that she is. It became about the moments spent with her and the incredible blessing she is...it became about her living, that's what mattered most.

Today I heard a quote by Bob Pierce of World Vision..."Our hearts to need break over what breaks God's heart."

And that is it...God's heart broke five years ago, this what not his plan for Camryn...to be sick, close to death, fighting with everything she had. No this is not of Him, but He will get the glory...

Because the story He is telling through her life is only the stuff of Him, He will get the glory...and He will redeem the story, He will right the wrongs.

You need to know the cross is not just the starting line. It's the very centerpiece of your story with God. It's the place where the pain of "you will have trouble" meets the triumph of "I have defeated the world." ~ Plan B by Pete Wilson

And that is it...the cross is where our redemption is found.

Five years is a long time...but compared with eternity it is but a grain of sand.

twenty months...

This week has been nothing like we expected...we all met some fears that we'd thought we had dealt with. Unfortunately this is life, our life like it or not.

But, at the end of the week there sat a date 2.4.11. It has been twenty months since Camryn's transplant.

Twenty months...

To celebrate Camryn was able to participate in Village's cheer clinic. We weren't too sure if she would be able to, but she was fever free for two days and so we thought she could. She LOVED it! I will post pics soon, I promise. She had lots of fun cheering and hanging out with her friends. Many thanks to Grandma, Papa, Caleb, Grandma, DeDe, Riley, and Peighton for coming...she loved having you there.

After the cheer clinic we headed to Bob's Big Boy for dinner with friends, we had lots of fun.

Then we came home and the kids crashed. It's been a whirlwind of a week...

I'll post more soon, but I couldn't pass up celebrating Twenty Months!

Also...

Camryn has been fever free since being discharged...she is doing great! Many thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers not only throughout this past week, but really for the almost five years.

That day comes on Monday...

fever.hospital.february...

I'm learning as with all things expect the unexpected...

Camryn seemed to have turned a corner on her cold, or so we thought...we got home on Monday to a little girl with a 102.5 fever. Ugh, the dreaded call made and we waited. While we waited I took Camryn back to our bedroom in a big over-sized chair and held her close, all the while praying, praying that it would be simple and nothing too serious. We got the call and like we know we have to headed to the ER at UCLA. We quickly gathered our things, took Wyatt to my parent's house, and dealt with a very upset Camryn. She knew, she always knows.

After a lot of tears in the car we got to UCLA, headed in the ER and waited. We got through triage and waited some more. Finally got a "room" in the ER and waited some more. Our nurses were great and took good care of Camryn...well, minus the 4 pokes to try to place an IV. I knew there would be a time we would miss her central line. Throughout the night the regiment of antibiotics was started and the blood cultures sent and Camryn finally fell asleep around 2. Jason and I began to try to get rest in the little chairs in the ER...that wasn't happening and throughout the night we didn't get much rest if any. Camryn's doctors came in around 8 to say they'd hope a bed would open upstairs later in the afternoon...

*Let me explain...we love UCLA medical center, it is our home and they take great care of Camryn. But, when they built the big, beautiful, super nice hospital it is a lot smaller bed wise. Not nearly enough beds for all the people they see. And the floor that Camryn is on is quite exclusive...Pediatric Oncology which is not on the the normal peds floor. So it is very limited. Her doctors explained there was a back up in the Peds ICU and a lot of kids were being shuffled around to make room...it's hard to be upset knowing that it is not just a clerical reason you are waiting, but rather there are a lot of sick and needy children and who are we to trump any of them.

So we waited some more...

Around 9:30 the Peds Hemonc Attending came to visit again, he apologized and said that she would be moved tonight a bed was open and the room was being cleaned and it had her name on it. True to his word it did, I learned a little trick about reading the ER computer screen to see if we had a room and sure enough in a few moments a room number appeared by Camryn's name. And once the room number appeared here came the ER tech to move us. I have to say even though staying in the ER for 24+ hours is not ideal at all, we had some great care. Once they got us a room boy did people move and as we were leaving the ER the nurses we're saying good-bye...yep, we'd been there through shifts to see the same faces again.

While talking to the Attending doctor, Dr.K he said that if Camryn's cultures remained clear he would discharge her after that. So I asked if that meant we could be discharged at 11:00pm on Wednesday night and he said if we are comfortable going home that late than yes. Of course we would be ready to go as soon as they would let us...so now we had the goal of Wednesday night! YAY!

Once we got on our all too familiar 3rd floor it was like being *home* so to speak. Camryn settled in to the bed and was ready to sleep, the nurse and care partner were super great got us settled in and closed the door...it didn't take long for both me and Camryn to fall asleep. Camryn got a fever through the night which meant Tylenol and then we just went back to sleep. The doctor came in the morning pre-rounds to get a report, she was sleeping and doing well. He said the fever concerned him only in that if it were a bacterial infection the antibiotics should be working, so everything was indicating a virus which antibiotics can't help.

We spent the day hanging out with Grandma and Daddy, Camryn was feeling good she was up playing and really stayed out of bed all day. When you spend time in the hospital it is always great when you can get out of bed and not just lay there...so thankful Camryn felt good enough to play. Grandma drove me home so I could see the best little guy in the world, Wyatt. He was hanging in there, but it was hard. He cried and cried when we left and was very scared that Camryn would have to stay in the hospital for a long time. Wyatt and I played and just hung out while my parents went to see Camryn and Jason. At this point we still had not seen Camryn's hemonc team which we meant no news is good news. Jason called a bit later and said the plan is to discharge as soon as 48 hours passed and that the fevers would not delay us going home.

I headed back down with our car so that we could drive home later, Wyatt hung out with Grandma some more...he got some time with both grandparents by himself which was nice, but he sure missed his big sister.

Later in the afternoon Camryn got another fever, so more Tylenol and by the time I got down to UCLA she was sleeping...after a couple hours the doctor came in and said "I'm writing your discharge orders". We headed home and Camryn was thrilled...

We are home now and so far today Camryn is fever free, not even a low-grade fever. We just have to wait the virus out, if she does spike a fever we will head to clinic tomorrow; but if not then she's probably turned the corner. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...we greatly appreciate them, they mean the world.

I probably don't have to tell you that walking this road again even if just for 48 hours was hard on our hearts. Watching Camryn scream about IVs, tears streaming down her face begging us to not take her to the hospital, fighting to get her to do simple things, and trying to keep her occupied and comfortable...it all gets to be too much. I had my break down yesterday morning when the lab tech came in to draw blood. Camryn had already been poked 4 times and now one more time...she'd had it, it was a battle and she yelled at me and said, "Why do you hate me mommy? Why are you making me do all of this?"

My heart broke...with tears in my eyes I said I love you Camryn and I want you to be well, that is why. I am so sorry. After the dust settled she looked over at me and said, "I sure do love you Mom." And the world was right again.

You see I expect Camryn to be angry, she has every right to be. I expect her to be frustrated, mad and every other emotion...but it makes me weary, sad, and just plain disheartened so be there again. There are so many things that flowed through my mind for 48 hours...lots of questions, thoughts, anger, sadness, hope, promises, and just about everything in between.

All the while the calendar turned to February...we spent the last hours of January and the first ones of February in the hardest place to be. I really hate February...oh I don't entirely, but for a lot of reasons this is the toughest month on the calendar bar none! And here I sat ringing in February in a place where all the hurt is found...

The Lord is good...

Even in the hardest moments of everything He was there and He walked us through it. That is not to say I'm over all of this...my heart takes a beating and I have to take a step back for a few moments to see if the ground is still steady, but Jesus is there.

Jesus has been and will continue to be my rock even in the uncertainty of life. February is here...tomorrow will be 20 months post-transplant, Monday will mark 5 years on this journey and the dates will continue to come throughout the month.

Praying for peace throughout February and all that is to be found there. And ever so thankful that Camryn is home, Wyatt is here and we are living in His hands...