I Am...

The waiting today thankfully did not get the best of me...I was able to productive clean out our back room, that is more like a catch all for everything and anything. But, tonight it looks like actual living space and that makes me feel good. So I put that anxiety to work today and it paid off.

Camryn's doctor called about 3:30 and told me that her marrow was not clear enough for transplant yet. Camryn's marrow was at about 32% leukemia cells in February and now it is at 16%; so the arsenic has cut it in half. A huge praise. Camryn's doctors would really like to have her marrow at a lower percentage in order to move into transplant...especially since she is a relapsed transplant patient. Her doctor explained that the are being overly cautious with Camryn and that they want the best possible marrow in order to go forward to transplant.

I won't lie, I cried on the phone with her doctor...Dr. K was great and just did what she has always done for me since February of 2006. Yes, Dr. K is the only doctor who has walked with us since the beginning and I find great comfort in her. She let me cry and said she was sorry...but, that Camryn was doing well. The arsenic is working and we have to keep thinking positive and moving forward. I asked Dr. K if this was a huge set back...are we moving in the wrong direction? Absolutely not...Camryn is in the majority, most children who have relapsed need more than one treatment to get them ready to move ahead. She apologized for where we were...but, believes that we will get her better.

Jason and I are both disappointed with the results...we were so sure and hopeful that we would move into transplant. Granted transplant is no walk in the park, but it is inevitable and we just would love to move ahead. Move towards getting Camryn well.

As Dr.K said that the doctors want the least amount of leukemia cells in order to beat this...so that her transplant is a success. Which we get...believe me we so understand NOT wanting to walk this relapse road ever again. We understand that another treatment of arsenic is not a bad thing...in fact if the arsenic cuts 16% in half we'll be well on our way to transplant.

All that said...it's hard. Hard to imagine two weeks off, another four weeks of arsenic, another bone marrow aspiration, another two weeks off...yes, another 8 weeks. Two months?...wow, this road is beginning to feel very familiar...it's beginning to feel like 2006 all over again.

But, we know that this is the best scenerio for Camryn...this is what she needs. She needs her body free of as much of that dang leukemia as possible...in order to beat it. Camryn's winning...she is...it just might take a bit longer.

After I got off the phone with Dr.K and called Jason I just sat for a minute wondering how it all came to this...waiting on phone calls from doctors...waiting on schedules...mailboxes full of medical statements...a cabinet full of medical supplies...

Where in the world has our life gone?

The answer is simple...tonight after dinner we took a walk around the block; Camryn riding her bike like a champ and Wyatt pushing his little lawn mower. This is our life now...savoring, cherishing, relishing in every moment with our children. Every moment...hearing their giggles...watching them live, laugh and love the world around them. They do not fully comprehend what is coming in their life...but, for now maybe that's not important. Maybe what is important is that the Lord does...He is giving them the strength for each day, just as he is me.

He is the great I Am...He will be everything we need Him to be. He will meet us, He will hold us...

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”

~ I Am...Nichole Nordeman

I know that the Lord will continue to hold us and He will continue to be what we need Him to be every step of the way. He continues to reveal Himself in ways that are unexpected and ways that allow me to rest in His care...

Because He is my Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer, Comfort, Healer, My Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End...yes, He is my Great I Am.

He is the One who is holding me still...yes, moment by moment...and He will be the same tomorrow.

I Am.