Many things in life have been completely unexpected, some good, some not so good, and some down right bad. I have been beyond blessed by many things that I certainly have not deserved...but, even within that there have been many moments through out the past years that I have found myself standing on the edge of the unexpected...
Never did I ever imagine that my journey through motherhood would look quite like it has...did not expect to have a miscarriage, nor did I expect to spend my little girl's toddler years navigating through leukemia, nor did I expect to have my son donate for his sister not once, but twice.
No it has not looked like I expected...
I remember clearly holding my 21-month-old daughter and pleading with the Lord to make what was coming not come. I think in my heart of heart's I new on that day in February of 2006 that something was terribly wrong, did I think leukemia? No, but I knew that my life would never be what it was before, never. I remember riding in the ambulance watching Camryn sleep in her princess pajamas fighting hard not to be overcome with the nausea I was feeling from being carsick along with the dread, the huge knot that was developing in my stomach. Little did I know that knot would not be leaving, lessening yes, but leaving no. Fighting the tears, fighting the reality that in a instant was I expect had become so completely unexpected.
I remember Jason and I trying hard to navigate feeling thrilled that a new baby was coming our way, while trying to deal with the reality that our sweet little girl had cancer. I was asked this week by a student how did you do it? How did you get through that? I'm not gonna lie those nine months were some of the hardest in my life. I expected this pregnancy to be different and it was totally unexpected.
While walking through these months that have grown into years I clearly remember trying to find a way to make things what I expect them to be...and surprise, surprise it hasn't worked. Trying so hard to let go and accept what life has come to be.
And within these past couple months life has come to be not exactly how I expected it to be, but for the good.
Camryn again is doing really well in school, she has completely delighted her teacher and they have become fast friends. She is reading, working on her reading and writing workbook and doing math...she does really well and enjoys school very much. I was not sure how she would do with having to do home schooling again, especially since we really did not expect this. But, even within that Camryn is doing what she does best, making the most of a situation, even if it is no where near what she would like.
Wyatt has been slowly, but surely blossoming socially...many times Jason and I wonder if some of Wyatt shyness and social withdrawal has to do with his sister's life. We never expected life to be like this for Wyatt, but really it has been anything but normal...at times I wonder when all is said and done, when many years have past if Wyatt will be able to tells us what he remembers and knows of his first years of life. He really does not have too many friends, he has never been in a structured school type setting whether it be Sunday school or preschool...never expected that my little guy would not be acquainted with life like other kids his age.
But, these past couple months have been an unexpected gift...
As a family we have been able to participate more in school and church life. We have attended games, gone to events, and even made it to a service or two. In all of those things something unexpected has been developing...
Friendships.
This year at work we have some new administrators and it is really neat, because they are really neat people, but they have kids close to Camryn & Wyatt's age. Throughout going to games and such the kids have become friends and it has been a gift beyond compare for Camryn and Wyatt too. These kids are truly a gift from the Lord, really they have filled a void for Camryn and I am so thankful. Thankful for their very caring and concerned parents who are becoming friends. Wyatt was very shy at first, but it's taken him awhile to warm up and now he has. He is younger than the rest, but there is a little guy who has become someone Wyatt likes to play with. I am thankful...did not expect that these friendships would be such a blessing, but they have been and I could not be more grateful.
I joined choir to sing in the Christmas musical...now to clarify I am not the choir, singing type, really did it initially for my friends C & S and because I thought it would be a good way to be involved in church since I really cannot attend at the moment. When I started I sort of wanted to give up...I cannot read music and honestly I am SO not musically inclined. But, some of the friendships that were developing along the way kept me coming. And now only about a month away from the musical I have found some great people, who make me smile and who I enjoy very much. I enjoy laughing at myself and my inability to read music, but I enjoy the other people...whether it is D who is my buddy, or M who just makes me smile, or L who is the best person to stand by ever, or S who is a dear treasure to me, or C my director who patiently allows me to sing (or as I like to call it make a joyful noise). Choir has been a growing experience I did not expect.
Life these few months has been an unexpected journey...
I have met students who I have come to cherish...who daily are investing in me and I love it. I have found that I really do love my job and I really do love what the Lord has called me too.
We are making it through...I know that at any moment life could fall beneath me, the ground could give way, but isn't that life? A journey in the unexpected while living in our expectations? Expecting somehow that the Lord will save us...save us from the moments of despair...
I'm reading an incredible book called Plan B...reading through it slowly, very slowly to let some of the thoughts sink in, really sink in.
You've been there, right? Not necessarily in the bottom of a pit, but you know that "why me" feeling. You've been lying in bed late at night, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep and silently praying, Why? Why me, God? Why now?
I cannot tell you the number of nights I lay crying in a hospital, wrestling with these very questions...
You may also have been in that lonely place where you've screamed, "God, where are you? Why aren't you listening? Why have you abandoned me?"
Have you ever been there? I think for period of my life I was in this place time and time again...
When life isn't turning out the way we had hoped, we almost always default to the feeling as if God has abandoned us. We may not life to admit that. It makes us feel petty and immature. But it's the truth, isn't it? Don't we tend to wrap our own plans, our dreams, and our desires around our concept of God's presence so that when our plans and dreams and desires are frustrated we assume that God is just not there anymore? When our plans, dreams, and desires crumble, our faith tends to take a hit. We instantly feel let down and distant from our heavenly Father.
And yet the truth is that God is most powerfully present even when he seems most apparently absent. He's always working. Even when we can't see him or feel him, all circumstantial evidence of our lives will testify to his presence.
That is, if we're willing to pay attention.
~ quotes from Plan B by Pete Wilson
I am trying to pay attention...knowing that He will carry me through the unexpected.
