learning...

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.

~Gilda Radner

It's almost February...and this is where I find myself. Realizing that I too wanted a perfect ending, but learning now that they don't exist. Beginning to really wrestle with some memories of these past four years...incredibly hard to believe it has been a four year journey. And yet, we are no where near the end...

This week has been difficult...

My aunt has leukemia as well, she has been battling it in an amazing way...this week she was struggle with her marrow not making blood. She had an aspiration this week and we await the results. As you can imagine this all just hits too close to home...and it's been difficult.

The insurance fiasco...feeling helpless and yet fighting with as much as you had for Camryn. To realize that there is much left to fight for, that our little girl deserves the best treatment possible and that she needs our advocacy.

Starting a new semester at work...means that the calendar is inching ever closer to the day I walked away a year ago and never came back. It is surreal to look in my lessons plans and see everything stop; but be hopeful that maybe this year will be different.

But I'm thankful that we are learning to take life as it comes, to try not to get too far ahead of ourselves. To try to make the absolute best of where we find ourselves because every moment is a gift. Are there things that trigger the tears and are difficult to see, experience? Absolutely, I would be lying if I said otherwise. But, I am learning that with every missed moment I feel there are a hundred others given. I just have to be ready to experience the moments given for what they are now. Because for right now the view is hazy, but quite honestly I don't know in the muddy waters of leukemia if the view ever fully clears. I believe we are just learning to breath deeply and hold on and find hope right now.

Because we don't know what is going to happen next...

Today we headed to our family's favorite place, the beach. The kids thoroughly enjoyed building sand castled and just playing in the sand. It was a beautiful day...the water was very rough, so Camryn and Wyatt were content to watch from shore. But, it was a breath of fresh air...we breathed deeply and we let life just be.

Because sometimes that is the best you can do.

good news...

Today did not disappoint...

The call came this afternoon from our insurance company that they were overruling the denial and granting our appeal. So, Camryn stays with her doctors and nothing changes far as her care now.

Thanks for those of you who have been praying for us, it's been a very crazy week. We are so very thankful for the "yes" we got today. To even begin to imagine moving Camryn to a new hospital with new doctors and nurses was almost too much to bear. We are so thankful and grateful!

quick update...

Yesterday was quite a day spent trying to navigate the insurance fiasco, crisis, mess; really pick any adjective. We made the call to our pediatrician who was furious about the denial and said that the group had changed management, etc. I spent time searching via the internet for potential primary care doctors if it comes down to the fact that we must change groups in order to stay where we are at UCLA.

When I got home from work there was a message from a Sr. Case Coordinator at our insurance company who is handling our appeal. I thought she would do the usual it will be 45 days and such; but you know what? She said that they would have an answer for our appeal TODAY! Guess that is pretty expedited! I gave her the further information she needed and she said she would be in touch...gave me some hope.

So that's where we are...waiting to see if the appeal is accepted or denied. If it's accepted all stays as it is with the big insurance company taking on Camryn's case; if it is denied we switch groups and go from there.

Thanks for the encouragement...the thoughts and prayers! I so appreciate them!!!

sigh...

Today has been one of those days when in a few hours things go from good to bad and you're not quite sure what happened?

Camryn had school this morning and that went great! Wyatt enjoyed reading books with Grandma & Papa, the books were new ones that Papa graciously shared his gift card to buy. When I got home all was well...

We then headed over to hang out with our friend T & E...we absolutely love time spent with them. As the kids played and played with E; T & I got to chat and it was wonderful! I cherish time spent with E too, she is coming to the age Camryn was when she got sick and truthfully I almost can't believe it. It will be a joy watching E grow and I love, love, love her mommy and daddy too!

As we headed home I called Jason to let him know we were on our way and that's when the good started moving to bad. Jason explained that we got a letter in the mail today denying Camryn's referral to UCLA. We had a bit of an insurance fiasco in the fall and we thought we had finally worked through it. We had to switch plans, groups, etc...and now we were denied. I almost just lost it.

Jason was on the phone for awhile and finally I joined him; guess there is just something about a mother and her little one. I cried explaining that my child had not one but two bone marrow transplants and that it was not an option for her to wait forty-five days for care.

Thankfully the representative was kind and he helped us figure out some options and we are going to pursue those tomorrow. If you could please pray that we get this resolved quickly and thoroughly in order for Camryn's care to not be interrupted. We are less than 300 days post-transplant so it really is not an option for Camryn to just wait this out.

So with a deep breath we venture in and try to figure out the best options and a way to care of our little girl. And did I mention that it is almost February? Guess I should just be ready for all of this huh?

Trusting that the Lord is a lot bigger than any insurance plan...

day +236...tuesday

WOW...two hundred and thirty-six days since transplant...

A lot has transpired in those many days, but thankfully as the days pass the countdown to a year is inching ever closer. Camryn is doing really well...and we are so thankful! Last time her appointments went to once a month we didn't make it through the month...for now we are half way there. Two more weeks and we'll make it through an entire month without incident...we are so thrilled for these past two weeks and so very hopeful for two more just like them.

Tomorrow Camryn has a home lab draw so like always we are anxious to hear about her labs and see how she is doing...after all the numbers don't lie.

So for this Tuesday Camryn did not have to go to clinic and did not have school...she was one happy girl today! Don't get me wrong Camryn enjoys school, but she does like to have her *free* day so to speak. We continue to just say thank you to the Lord for His continual work in Camryn's body...in her bone marrow.

Not much new to report...both Camryn and Wyatt are doing well. They are enjoying life as kids and having fun to the fullest! It is nice to just be for awhile...

The next few weeks are full of moments and memories that are very hard, but we are so grateful to be where we are. Yes, at times the heaviness is still there...Yes, there are moments when I fight the tears...Yes, the L-word (leukemia) stops me in my tracks. But we are grateful to be at day +236 again...and we will continue to take it day by day, believing, hoping and surviving!

Thank YOU for your continual thoughts and prayers for our family.

a date with a really cute girl...

Today I had a date with a really cute girl and it was one of the best dates ever! It was spontaneous...we just looked at each other and I said "You wanna go?" To which she said..."Yep!" And off we went.

But, before we could go she had to change out of her dress up dress and put on real clothes...a few minutes later she comes out of her room with a green Tinkerbell shirt, a green skirt. She was so proud, she did it, she chose her outfit and she was like a little teenage girl finding just the right thing. I gently told her it was pretty chilly so we should find a jacket and maybe some leggings? We found just the thing and put on her new Vans that she is really proud of and off we went.

As we were in the car driving we started chatting about her birthday and what she would like. Jason and I had planned on maybe buying her some new bedding as she has mentioned really wanting that. As we chatted we started talking about posters, curtains, blinds, rugs and I just smiled. My little date and me were in our own little world rocking out to Taylor Swift and talking about all things girly! It was priceless...

We arrive at our destination and go into her store first and oh my quite a shopper she is...checking out everything, looking for the deals and trying to find just the right thing. After that we hit two other stores. In the first one she told me I really should think about buying a different color sweater..."how about red, green or yellow?" or "you should really get this safari dress mom!" While I got her advice on which purse to buy...she gently instructed me, "that the square one can hold more stuff...and you know mom you like square purses better, almost all of them are square!" I was dying! My little fashionista for sure! We headed to our last stop and checked out some jeans for her Daddy...as she looked at them she commented, "but, they look like they are going to rip right here...Daddy needs good jeans Mom, not jeans that are already ripping!" HA!

As we walked out of the store she looked up at me and said, "Mom, wanna cookie?" Yep, this is a girl after my own heart...we got a cookie, picked up take out on our way home. And totally savored a Taylor Swift sing-a-long on the way home...yep, we might be the next American Idols. :)

Got to spend a date with the best girl in the world...

My Camryn Lee

a lull...

I feel like we are in a lull and I'm hoping that it is not the lull before the storm.

I don't know why it is but with every passing day, as February inching closer my heart gets heavier and I have to catch my breath.

I was looking at the calendar trying to *plan* some little activities for our family of four to make the world not feel so small and there they were 2/7...2/17, the days forever etched on my heart when the bottom fell out of our world not once, but twice.

This February will mark four years of this leukemia journey...four years. Not a 100% sure what my heart will feel on that day. Thankful for our family having made it this far? Hurt that Camryn still is battling a disease that is just so unfair? Grateful that Wyatt is here bringing with him a gift unlike any other? Angry that this circle seems unending? Hopeful that maybe one day all of this will not be as defining as it is at this moment?

I'm not sure...but, I know that I struggle walking through these days. Oh if I could tell that mommy four years ago that she will never see the world the same.

Because she doesn't...

Believing that in this lull HE is carrying us through as HE has done time and again...even in the storm.

a different story...

Started a very cool devotional this year...it's called Solo and it is 365 days worth of devotional thoughts as it goes through Scripture starting in Genesis. Hopefully in December I will find myself in Revelation. I'm excited to have a found this devotional...it's simple. And for life right now simple is profound.

I read this the other day...

"Please forgive the wrongdoing of this people out of the extravagance of your loyal love just as all along, from the time they left Egypt, you have been forgiving this people."

God said, "I forgive them, honoring your words. But as I live and as the Glory of God fills the whole Earth - not a single person of those who saw my Glory, saw the miracle signs I did in Egypt and the wilderness, and who have tested me over and over and over again, turning a deaf ear to me - not one of them will set eyes on the land I so solemnly promised to their ancestors. No one who has treated me with such repeated contempt will see it

"But my servant Caleb - this is a different story. He has a different spirit; he follows me passionately. I'll bring him into the land that he scouted and his children will inherit it." ~ Numbers 14:19-24 The Message

To set the scene the Lord has brought His children out of Egypt and they are at the Jordan River ready to cross into Canaan, the Promised Land....they send 12 spies in and 10 come back saying in essence there is no way we can conquer that land, but 2 men stand firm in their belief in the God of their forefathers...Caleb and Joshua. As a consequence of Israel's unbelief they wandered the desert for forty years all the while God promising to Caleb and Joshua that they would experience the great promise...and they did.

Having grown up in church and attended a Christian school and university; I have heard this story countless times, but this time in this place, with these words something caused me to pause. The words are so simple you almost miss them...a different story. That God found in Caleb a difference something that stood out different than the rest. And that difference, spirit, passion. A different spirit...a passionate heart.

Wow...

As those words have mulled over in my heart the past few days I have wondered what would the Lord say about me? Am I writing a different story with my life? Am I following Him passionately, with a different spirit?

What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know," to always "understand"? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce on, we set out to write our own. "I need to know," we tell ourselves. "No," God answers softly, "you need to trust."

Does he care? You'd better believe it!

...rest assured, God will answer. He longs to reveal his love to you. But you won't find it by shaking your fist in his face. You won't find it by barging into his presence and demanding to be treated fairly. You'll find it by sitting at his feet and remembering who he is.

Emmanuel. God with us.

He knows the journey is difficult. He knows life is rarely fair. Jesus fought the same frigid winds of distraction, discouragement, and doubt that keep us from knowing God's love. But like the Father, he longs to gather us is his arms. He longs to trade the flimsy blankets of our own self-sufficiency for his all-sufficiency. The Lord Jesus invites us to cast our doubts, our fears and anxiety upon him, to discover how much he really does care.

Trust me, my child, he whispers. I have your ultimate good in mind. ~ Joanna Weaver taken from Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World

The story that is written can either be written by me and quite frankly I know I'm not a very good writer; or it can be written by Him. I struggle with all of this, I really do. Life has in no way turned out the way I envisioned it, this is no where near what I thought it would be. For the past almost four years there have been demons and doubts and flat out despair. It is hard to reconcile a God who absolutely loves us with the circumstances of this world.

Because we all have circumstances that are less than stellar, we are all dealing with the things of this world...and yet we all are called and asked to accept His love for us. His love for these broken vessels that we occupy so much of our time on...these hearts that we don't feel are big enough to really let go. Because if I truly let go, if I truly let the Lord have his and just get out of the way....oh what could happen?

I long for a different story...a story that is written by Him. A story of passion, of loving Him in all of this; the good, the bad all of it. And His voice whispers in my heart....

"I know Dana...I know you are scared...I know you are tired...I know you are disappointed...I know you are discouraged...I know you doubt. Knowing all this and more I love you still...and I always will. Rest in me, rest in my unbelievable love for you...yes, this life is hurtful and I know you have had hurts that are just unfair. But trust me...I have cried tears too, because I love you."

So I don't know where my story is going. I always gulp when I see February on a calendar...yes, these next few weeks are full of memories and frankly they are hard.

But I am hoping in the weeks, months to come that a different story will be written on my heart...

day +223...update & pics

Embracing life, soaking in all the moments...



Yesterday Camryn had a fantastic clinic appointment...we were hopeful that it would be a good and be a good start to 2010. Jason and Camryn headed out bright and early. Quite honestly I wish I were able to go with them, I just miss being there with Camryn so much. I like to hear and see how she's doing. I enjoy seeing her interact with her life at UCLA, especially the people.

Nurse Charlotte was there yesterday and Camryn was thrilled. True to form Camryn got all her supplies ready for her blood draw and help Charlotte get her juice. Camryn also got to see Dr.M and Dr.A who were both super pleased with Camryn's process. In fact they are so pleased that they moved her clinic visits to once a month...we are thrilled! Going once a month means a lot for us and it indicates that we are at a point where Camryn is stablizing and doing well. Her steroids were also lowered to 1ml every other day for this week and then .5ml every other day until she goes to clinic again in February.

Can't you see why she smiles like this now?



Jason and I had a list of questions to ask at clinic...we were curious about the time frame for Camryn. Not that we are in a hurry...truly, we aren't in the slightest. We just wanted to have an idea of the possible things to come and when we might expect them. Jason asked about the Lovenox shots and it was decided that Camryn would have another ultrasound in a few months to check on the clot, but for now the shots continue. Next on the list was about Camryn's central line. We are approaching close to a year with the same line...pretty good huh? We are thankful as the first time around we weren't so line savvy as we are now. They said that they will begin to consider having Camryn's line removed as the appointments continue to go well and Camryn does not need as many lab draws. So for now we continue to care for Camryn's line and we are totally fine with that! We love Camryn's line for her sake, keeps her from having to get poked constantly! And lastly Jason asked about immunizations and school...we know that these are in the future sometime, but we just kind of liked to know where we are at. The doctors said that most likely in the summer they will do the extensive testing on Camryn's immune system and then determine if she is ready for her immunizations and then after that determine whether she is ready for school. So school might be a possibly in September, but we'll see. All of this obviously depends on how Camryn continues to do...but, for now she's doing great!

And this little guy loves this...



Wyatt is very excited that Camryn does not have to go to the doctor all the time and is home with him more often. He truly misses her when she is gone, but more than that he worries if she will be home. A very odd reality for a three-year-old. Wyatt has been adjusting nicely to Camryn being back in school, he plays with Grandma and Papa; enjoying the moments with them. I will say that Wyatt is exerting his personality more and more and yes at times I really think three is a tough year.

The other day Wyatt was walking hand in hand with my dad and he looks up and says, " I love you Papa." and my heart melted. Wyatt is a firecracker, full of opinions, a perfectionist and yet the sweetest little guy ever. I know I'm biased, but Wyatt makes me smile and I just enjoy him so. Like the other morning when Camryn had school and I was hanging out with Wyatt. I was getting ready to get him dressed and I put him on my lap and he just sat there cuddling with me. So for about ten minutes I sat cuddling my little Wyatt and I just savored it.



Wyatt is becoming more and more into games...it's fun. He is getting more interested in doing some other activities other than trains and cars. :) We don't mind his favorite activities at all, but it's fun to see him developing other interests too.



This is our little curly top...Camryn's hair is coming in well and yes, it is very curly. Jason and I keep laughing as her hair this time around is much more fly away and unruly...hopefully it will settle down at some point so she will not be bitter when she's a teenager with uncontrollable hair. :)



Camryn's labs came back great...yes, her levels are staying nice and strong. Really she is doing fabulously...we have much to be thankful for. She is full of energy, life and fun...

peering out the front window...

That is how Camryn spent the five minutes before 8:00am when her new teacher was to arrive. She gave me the play by play of her parking. "Mom she is just sitting in her car, is she coming in? Do you think she'll be a nice lady?"

At 8:00 there was a knock on the door and I opened it to a smiling face of Camryn's new teacher. Ms B introduced herself and Camryn was very stand-offish and timid; but after the hellos Ms B and Camryn started to become friends. Ms B is filling in for Ms F so Ms F had given her the progress report of Camryn and told her what their normal routine is. As they got started I moved on into Wyatt's room and listened a bit...

Within minutes they were chatting up a storm and when I left to head to work Camryn was all smiles. When I got home I asked her how school went and she said "great!" So it seems that once again we have been blessed by a wonderful person to interact with our little girl. We couldn't be more thankful!

And peering out the front window the world looks much brighter now for Camryn...

Tomorrow Camryn heads to clinic for her appointment, honestly it feels like we haven't been there in ages...it's been three weeks! After going pretty regularly throughout Camryn's cold and then the whole virus situation, it feels a bit surreal to actually get through the three weeks. We are very thankful.

Last night Jason and I were talking once the kids went to bed and honestly I could not be more blessed by the man I call my husband. His perspective, patience and positive attitudes are precious to me. As we talked we both agreed that Camryn is seemingly so much more herself...I feel like these three weeks have been some of our best since June. Camryn has lost a lot of her steroid weight and is looking much more like Camryn to us. Her attitudes are much more stable too...we are so thankful that the steroid wean is going well. We also talked about 2010 and how neither of us really knows how to approach a new year, but we are very hopeful that 2010 could be the start of a new era for our family of four.

But I think the greatest thing to come out of our talking was our conclusion that for a long time we always looked at life in terms of "when Camryn is better...then we'll do this and that" and now we are beginning to look at life as right now. Sure our world is a bit small, okay a lot small; but it is a world and this is life and we are going to head into 2010 embracing it.

There is no telling where the road will take us...but this is our life and we are striving to LIVE in this life to the fullest.

Yes, today was a little thing in the grand scheme of things for Camryn...sometimes those little things matter most.

And so...we'll live rejoicing in the little things and celebrating life as it comes for we know that each moment is a gift. Guess that's what we've learned peering out the front window...

things i wish for...

Sometimes I wish that life would be easier on Camryn's heart. I wish she didn't have to endure the heartaches she does...makes me sad, makes me mad, makes me hate the curse word cancer.

Camryn has enjoyed three long weeks of Christmas vacation, she's on the LAUSD schedule so her and Daddy both head back to school tomorrow. Even though Camryn does not *go* to school in traditional terms she absolutely loves school, she thrives learning and really has grown quite a lot since she began in September.

Today as Camryn and I hung out on the couch enjoying a lazy Sunday she was reading books to me...felt a bit odd to not be reading to her, but I absolutely savored listening to her voice and seeing her as who she is. For so long Camryn was *little* so to speak, just so tiny and young; and now to see her as a school age little girl bursting with knowledge is quite a blessing. I can remember back to a 21 month little girl who was bouncing in her crib at Cedars talking away...and now an almost 6 year old reading books to me. You see there are moments throughout this journey that you never quite know what the outcomes of the poisons that ran through Camryn's veins might be. Will she have developmental set backs? Will there be some long term side effects? What will all of this do to her?

And quite honestly we don't know...

But for today I got a part of my wish, that Camryn would learn and grow as a *normal* 5 almost 6 year old would. That her life could be as normal as we possibly can make it. We try...we try so hard to do our best to fill the gaps of the life she is missing out on. And we cherish the moments when it seems as if normal life finds us.

Earlier today Camryn and Wyatt were outside riding bikes and enjoying the beautiful weather and I smiled. As Camryn was playing and just enjoying life I found myself feeling as though Camryn was emerging again. Not that she hasn't been herself, but there is a big difference when Camryn isn't a 100% and today I felt as though she was a 100% herself and it was wonderful!

Yet, in all of the snapshots of wishes granted today there is a heartache tonight...Camryn starts school with a new teacher tomorrow. Her first teacher has to take a medical leave and we are so sad. We will miss Ms F so much, but we are thankful for Camryn's new teacher who we will meet tomorrow morning bright and early. As we were getting ready for bed, which is a very long process and one that we started early so that Camryn could get a good night's sleep as school is at 8:00 tomorrow which is earlier than normal; tears came for Camryn.

Camryn just started crying...she is so scared, nervous and anxious for a new teacher. Camryn had grown to just love Ms F and she cannot imagine a new teacher. My heart just broke for her...

Sometimes I wish her heart didn't have to endure the heartache it does...

Sometimes I wish that she could catch a break...

Sometimes I wish that in the midst of this she could see and understand why...

Sometimes I wish that Camryn didn't miss out on so much...

I guess those are the things I wish for and so many more...

Really praying for tomorrow morning...praying that the Lord meets Camryn like He has so many times. That He carries her through...

After all, He has many wishes for Camryn too.

wyatt's room...

In light of the massive, heart wrenching clean out of Camryn's closet and then the 13 bins in the garage it only seems fitting that Wyatt's room got some attention. Wyatt's room is the "baby room" in our house, it was Camryn's baby room when we first moved into our house and when we found out we were pregnant in the summer of 2005 we began to plot and plan moving Camryn into our other bedroom. When we lost our baby due to miscarriage I decided that maybe we would just take the transition slowly and get Camryn's new room ready and start thinking of expanding our family someday. So the baby room sat pretty much unchanged and Camryn moved nicely between the two...sleeping in one, playing in the other. In February of 2006 when we got the news of Wyatt's pregnancy again we started really plotting and planning, but those plans were quickly interrupted.

We spent much of the nine months waiting for Wyatt dealing with Camryn's leukemia and her many hospital stays. As I've said before there has always been a tinge of guilt in my mommy's heart for feeling that I never properly planned for Wyatt. I did not have a nursery ready and really it was hard to put my heart into decorating a room when everything else just seemed so out of whack. After we got home from Camryn's first transplant we spent some time getting Wyatt's room settled, but honestly it has always felt as though it was Camryn's hand me down room to Wyatt.

As Wyatt moved into a big boy twin bed we just put his mattresses on the floor and made due. His furniture did not match really and that was alright; but nagging in my heart felt as though I need to prepare. I need to really give Wyatt's room the focus and attention it deserves.

Well, this past weekend Jason and I saw and ad in the paper for a 3 piece bedroom set at a very good price and we thought we would check it out. After seeing it and measuring Wyatt's room and thinking about it, we decided to get it. And honestly it may sound stupid and silly, but for me it was as if I was preparing for this little guy for the very first time.

Wyatt's furniture was delivered today and boy was he excited! I told Jason I feel badly sometimes as so much attention is given to Camryn and really today it felt so great to focus on Wy. To celebrate him and just see the joy in his eyes...

So today I feel as though the cleaning and the sorting and all of it was worth it...my heart feels a bit of healing to have given my little boy the time and effort and my mommy's heart feels good. Oh I know it is just a room, but for my mommy's heart it represents a finishing of something that has always felt unfinished.

Wyatt's room...is his now, not a hand me down and a carry over of the years of leukemia. Maybe in 2010 the Mikels family will really begin to move forward...

I hope so, but for tonight we did in a very small way and it feels so complete.

seven months...

1/4/10...seven months since 6/4/09

Today is Camryn's seventh month post-transplant and she is doing well, incredibly well!

Seven long months and yet when I think this year 2010 will mark a year post transplant which in transplant world is a huge milestone. We are thankful for each moment...each day. Yes, some days have been hard and exhausting; but thankfully there are many more joy-filled moments.

Joy...

Each day is a journey in joy, learning to live within these moments and finding joy in Christ.

Humor...

Tonight Camryn did a rant on why Princesses have to take medicine. Yes, it was hilarious. She was wearing her Sleeping Beauty dress and Jason came in to give her her medicine and she busts into a full rant on the fact that she is a princess and princesses don't take medicine. She was cracking us up, being her funny self and just making the best of the situation.

Love...

Throughout these seven months a love has grown in Camryn, she has a deep appreciation for people. She deeply loves the people in her life, from her family, to her hospital friends, to her teacher, to her friends...she in her limited circle has found herself very full. Thankful for her lessons in love that she daily shows us...she loves fully, deeply and richly. I love this about her.

Blooming...

I feel as though she has gone from a little toddler girl to a little girl. She has completely blossomed into a beautiful little girl, full of life and vitality. Camryn is amazing in so many ways and we are so blessed to be her mom and dad.

And there is a little boy who through these seven months has done quite a lot as well.

Independent...

Wyatt has grown from a little boy who needed so much to a little independent boy. Yes at times he exerts his independence quite vocally, he is three now! But, more and more I find that there is so much he is able to do for himself. There are a lot of things that he is learning and developing and it is so fun to watch him come into his own.

Loyal...

There is no more loyal little boy than our Wy. He has a very limited life because of his sister's limitations; but you were never know it. Wyatt's world of Daddy, Mommy and Camryn is simply all he needs. He is a homebody in so many ways...he loves being home and he loves being with us. He is our little guy and we cannot imagine life without him!

Compassionate...

Wyatt really cares for others. He keeps track of his sister's issues and needs...helping get her whatever she might need to take her meds or change her line dressing. He wrestles with her but is extra sensitive to her line and is extra careful. He is a tender little guy, and yet tough...gosh he is becoming quite a little guy.

Honestly, these months have flown by...when I really think through them I find myself in complete disbelief to be where we are. But the view from here is quite simply...

Blessed.

sifting, sorting...

I cannot decide if I owe the person who invented those plastic storage tubs a thank you or a swift kick...

You see I am a sucker for those plastic tubs, they seem so perfect...go to Target pick up a new one whenever you clean out a closet and just pile it full and then off they go to the garage. Out of sight out of mind right?

Well, I have been doing that for awhile; okay a long while. I had yet to ever sift and sort through Camryn and Wyatt's baby clothes; everything just in bins waiting for the day when I chose to sift and sort through them. Camryn's clothes moved with us from our first apartment and just found a home up on the shelf in the garage and I had every intention of someday getting to them. But you know something stopped that reality and so they sat and I was okay with that. Plus I am an admitted sentimentalist...I cherish things, I remember details that most people forget, I love the past and what various things mean. This quality of mine I believe is a bit maddening for my husband...most of the stuff in the garage is mine, and I kept telling him I would get to it, someday.

Someday...

I had planned to do a post-Christmas clean out of Camryn's closet so today was the day. I started in and instead of putting all her clothes in tubs I bagged things up to hand me down to our nieces. I felt good about it in theory, but once the process started I was teary eyed. Many, many memories...Belle and Cinderella dress up dresses that Camryn wore in her hospital room when she was just two. Christmas dresses, birthday gifts with tags still attached found on their hangers. As I started bagging things up I inevitably meant that I would make my way out to the garage...

And I did...

13 plastic bins later...I sifted, sorted, cried, remembered. Memories flooding...found the shirt Camryn was wearing the day she was originally diagnosed before she was 2...her little slippers that logged many a step around the halls at Cedars...little Disney princess t-shirts worn at UCLA...her little black Crocs...the outfit Wyatt wore the day Camryn came home...Wyatt's little pumpkin shirt that he wore on his first Halloween spent without his sister...Wyatt's donor shirt...Camryn's survivor shirt...the list goes on and on.

Many tears, emotionally draining and quite simply something I just did. I didn't want to...there is just something about seeing all these clothes and remembering a time so simple, then a time so complicated, then a time so hopeful, and back to a time of pain that brings me to my knees. I wish I knew a *good* way to relive some of these things, but i don't. I do feel better with it done...knowing that I don't have to do that again, but my heart hurts tonight. Just a lot to wade through...

So my someday of sifting and sorting was today...

I am tired, emotionally spent...but as my friend T encouraged me today, "just think of how you can fill that space with new memories now." And so I am...

Hopeful for new amazing memories...

2010...

Wow...a new year is upon us. I can vividly remember being at the beginning of 2009 so hopeful that maybe the worst of Camryn's journey was behind us...maybe 2009 would hold our first year of normal since 2005?

I started this blog in January of 2009 as a way to start fresh from our former website, a way to put the past behind us so to speak and begin a new journey; guess I never envisioned what that new journey would be. And now a full year later I'm not really sure what to think of a new year? I'm not really sure how to approach a new year. Will it be better than 2009? Will we continue to move forward? Will there be a normalcy returning?

I am really not sure...

And yet with the coming of a new year there is an inevitable sense of hope. Hopeful that maybe our new dreams do come true...or quite simply maybe we learn to dream again. Honestly, I am quite thankful 2009 is behind us. I won't lie and try to put a smile on it; 2009 was one of the hardest years of our lives. And it feels good to move the calendar, but really does that change anything? I'm not sure.

Jason joked with me last night that really we just have to get through February and then we'll know if 2010 will be a *good* year...and I laughed. Because both times the bottom has fallen out of our world due to the word cancer it has happened in February, so maybe there's some truth to that? I don't think so, but it's fun to sometimes believe life is that simple.

Simply put 2010 brings a whole new calendar, a blank slate, a new start for us and we are thankful. I cannot say we are entirely thrilled or anticipating amazing things this year; because it is hard for us to get too far ahead of ourselves. We've come to truly live life day by day, can't plan or dream too far...not because we don't want to, but rather because we have found that it's pretty centered on us. And as 2009 has taught us the Lord will carry us through whatever journey comes, whether we want it or not...and we are very thankful. Thankful that it is HIS hands that are holding us through it all, a new year, a second transplant...all of it.

I guess we are incredibly hopeful, hopeful in Him. Hopeful that His promises are still as true today as they were yesterday and even truer still tomorrow. That He loves us...

That 2010 is our calendar markings, but He is the same...yes, it is 1/1/10, but to the Lord it is His time, His tapestry that He is weaving and it will always be His.

So, I would love to be able to have a list of things I'm anticipating in 2010 and maybe as we journey through it I'll get there...but suffice it to say that today after being broken and held through 2009 it is enough to know that HE loves us.

And He always will.