taking it all in...

Tonight is line change night at our house...we have to change Camryn's line every other day, so this week tonight is the night. Camryn does super during her line changes and thankfully a plus this time around is we only have to change her line every other day instead of every day...so as you can imagine it's much better this time. So we try to take a bath and change her line on the same night so that we can plan for the to get wet so to speak...but this has proven to change our night time rituals.

For as long as Wyatt could sit up and navigate the bath the kiddos took baths together...in fact one of Camryn's fondest memories of her first line was when Wyatt tried to pull it during bath time. Now...in order to avoid her line getting soaking wet we've decided that bath time is now solo time. Camryn goes first...little water, no big bubbles and just simplicity. Wyatt follows with lots of water, big bubbles and quite a production. While Wyatt is splashing around as any two year old should be Camryn is getting her line changed...yes, this is our ritual now.

Tonight though...Camryn didn't take a bath and we just changed her line...so she wanted to rush through so she could spend time with Wyatt in the bathroom. Honestly, it was so cute! Camryn read Wyatt books while he was in the bath, sat and colored...together that's where they long to be.





That is what I noticed most today...they want to be together, whether it's riding in the car singing "Jesus take the wheel" at the top of their lungs or playing ball in Wyatt's room. Whatever it might be they really want to be together...

I am preparing myself for what I think will be one of the hardest parts of Camryn's transplant...separation anxiety. Not from me or Jason...no separation anxiety of Camryn and Wyatt. These two have quite a story, there is a bond that runs deep and I know that many moments will be spent missing each other.

So for right now I'm taking it all in...soaking in these moments of the two of them together. Hearing the giggles, the chats...every bit of it. Realizing that these moments are the greatest treasures of these three weeks we've had as out patients. These three weeks that we've been able to just be a family...be together.

Tomorrow Camryn finishes up her first round of arsenic...our last day. I won't lie when we started our daily 5 day a week trips I thought this would be the longest 3 weeks of my life...well, it hasn't been. The days at the clinic have gone well...in fact today we made record time. Yes, we celebrate the little victories along the way. Tomorrow will end this stage of our journey...and I have to say that I am most thankful for how well it's gone. This arsenic cocktail as I call it as proven to work wonders in Camryn...she is herself, she feels wonderful, she is back. And I am so grateful that these past few weeks we've had Camryn being herself instead of sick acting Camryn. I can say that this would be a million times harder if she were laying on the couch not doing anything. Instead she is a ball full of energy and I love it.

Next week we start our two week chemo break...which will include various tests for insurance to approve her transplant. As of right now we have clinic and her bone marrow aspiration on Tuesday; clinic again the following Tuesday with Wyatt joining the fun; and a dentist appointment that Wednesday. That's all for now...but there will be more...

Camryn most likely will be admitted during the week of April 6th sometime...and then her transplant would be the following week. That is tentative, but for now that's the penciled in schedule.

I know that things can and probably will change...that's the unexpected I'm expecting. But for now I will take it all in...just take it day by day.

Step by step.

This week some of the steps have been difficult...I've been struggling with trying to reconcile how quickly my...our lives changed. How one day I was a teacher, with healthy children and making plans for birthdays and summer...and in a blink of an eye it changed. It's hard.

I am a planner...yes a bit type A. I like to know what is coming...I enjoy the expected of life. That's always been me...and now that me is unsettled with where I now find myself. I really cannot plan beyond tomorrow or even a few days from now...there is no sense fighting it, this is just what life is like when you are a parent of a child with cancer. Your life is no longer your own so to speak...my life is being dictating by something beyond my control. And honestly, it's a bit frightening at times, especially for me.

Sometimes I just feel lost...like the things that I always knew, the firm ground I walked was steady, sure. And now I can't see clearly...

One of my favorite characters from the Bible is Elijah...I remember back in fourth grade studying the various stories found in I Kings. The ravens feeding him...the widow and her son...the show down on Mt. Carmel...yes, Elijah lived quite a life. But, the moment that stands out to me is after...after Elijah's greatest victory.

Elijah had just proven to the prophets of Baal that His God was the one true God...Elijah had experienced on an incredible level. God showed up and Elijah was a first hand witness; he was flying high, until...

Jezebel got word and was after Elijah's life. Trouble was coming...

Elijah ran and ran for 40 days...and then God speaks and this is one of my favorite dialogues in Scripture.

"What are you doing here, Elijah?"

"I have been very zealous for the Lord...I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away."

"Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."

Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence.

~ I Kings 19

Silence is maddening for some...silence feels so incredibly lonely...silence reminds us that we are alone. And yet...

The Lord our God is in the silences as well as the noise of our lives. Yet, sometimes we avoid the silence...it causes us to really dig deep to listen, and to hear. To hear the silence of the Lord...for He speaks in silence.

There are some silent moments ahead...if you have ever made the hospital home you know that the night hours are quiet...lonely. And I wonder if the steps that have been hard this week are challenging me to be okay in the silence...

As uncomfortable as the silence is...

Maybe I should take it all in and respond...

Step by step.