comfortable

You know that feeling when a place just becomes comfortable? The people there become like friends...you know where things are...you know where to go. You know who to call if something isn't quite right. You know that feeling when you finally have settled into a place and feel somewhat at "home".

When I left home and went to college I remember feeling very familiar by the time I was a senior...I had traveled for four years and I knew my way around. I knew the shortcuts, I knew the right people if you will...yes, college had become "home".

When I first started teaching I felt very ignorant of all the ways of a teacher. The learning curve was great and oh how I wish I knew then what I know now, but those first batch of students back in 1998 wow...they became "home".

When Jason and I first got married and lived in our little apartment and wondered what our life together would look like...we dreamed big dreams and we enjoyed the simple nature of our small little life. Yes, our apartment had become "home".

And now we've lived in our home for four years and yes it is very much home...we are comfortable here, we like the way it feels to walk in the door. A place to belong and know that you matter...yes, our home is very much our "home".

As ironic as it is UCLA has become that for us...yes it is a medical center, yes there are a lot of sick people there, yes it is large, yes it would be so very easy to get lost in the shuffle. But, you know what? We aren't.

Today when Camryn and I headed to the lab for an EKG before clinic I walked up to the counter and the man behind it smiled. I said the usual "Camryn Mikels...M I K E L S for an EKG." "Peds Hemoc" he replies. I confirm and he looks through the file...there is no EKG slip, but there is a lab slip. We don't get our labs there anymore so there must have been a mix up in paperwork. I smiled and said, "Do I need to run up to clinic and get an EKG slip?"..."No, I'll make you one." Now I don't know if he does that for everyone, but how many four year olds do you know that get two EKGs a week? Not too many...anyways, he was so nice and filled out the paper and was just wonderful. We got back to the EKG room and waited. As we waited numerous lab techs came by to say hi to Camryn...yes, she has a following in the lab evidently.

After her EKG we headed up to clinic to check in. Yes, the kind lady at the check in desk knows our name and already has our papers out when we get to the window. She asked how we are...did we have a nice weekend? Honestly, she does not do this with everyone, but I guess when you see someone every day for weeks they become familiar. Our paperwork was for the wrong module so we went to our normal module and the nurse smiled, said hi and quickly said that she would check it out for us. Seriously, today I was just overwhelmed with the care of the little things.

We headed to our clinic room and did her vitals and weight...Camryn's gaining weight which seemed to be the highlight of the day! Yay...as she lost quite a bit when she was in the hospital earlier. Camryn wanted Nurse Charlotte to draw her labs so over to the procedure center we went...yes, Camryn loves to see the gang over there. I guess that's good since we'll be back there on Monday for another 4 weeks.

We chatted with Kristen and Dr. A who were both very happy with how Camryn was looking and acting. We got Camryn's labs which look really good and are holding well. We are so thankful that her clotting factors are holding well and she will be able to do her first week of arsenic treatment as an out-patient.

As we got ready to leave Camryn wanted to go say her good-byes to everyone and I mean everyone. It's funny to me that she really has come to be comfortable and at "home" at clinic, but more than that with her nurses and doctors. They care for her in ways that are just amazing to me. The debt we owe them could never be replayed...they have done more for Camryn then they've had too, they've gone above and beyond.

Jason asked me tonight if I was comfortable at UCLA with everyone and my quick answer is absolutely. I don't mind going down and seeing everyone, after all they are like my "friends". You see when your world becomes small your friendships do too...I find that I enjoy my chats with her doctors and nurses, I think because they get it.

The comfort comes from a sense of knowing...the people at UCLA understand that Camryn is sick, there is no need to explain. There is no need to offer words of explaination, they understand and that brings comfort like nothing else.

So, thank you...thank you to the people at UCLA who has brought a sense of comfort to us even in the midst of the storm raging. Who walk with us every step of the way knowing that this journey stinks. It's not fun...really it isn't. There are moments of utter despair and moments of joy; and for all of those we share them with nurses and doctors who care too. I've cried with Camryn's team and I've laughed with them...I've been angry and I've been completely fine...I've been a mother fighting for her child's survival and I've been an mother doing the best I can...For all that we've been through we've been very comfortable.

Or at least as comfortable as we can be...

And for that I thank the Lord.

breathing deeply

This weekend was the breath of fresh air that this Mikels family needed...after the ups and downs of the week, a nice quiet weekend was in order.

On Saturday me and my girlfriends had a spa day, we had planned it back in February; but February always seems to be the month where our life takes drastic turns. Anyways, we rescheduled for this Saturday and what a lovely day we had. Honestly, time with just the girls is so refreshing...chatting, chatting and more chatting. It was an amazing day to just relax and take a deep breath.

While I was being pampered at the spa Jason headed out to the zoo with the kids. He had mentioned that he might take them and I smiled, knowing that a day at the zoo with a 4 year old and a 2 year old can be quite a challenge. Well, he was up to the challenge. They had lunch at McDonald's...a day at the zoo...and ice cream Baskin Robbins to end the day. From what I heard they had an amazing day just fun with their Daddy...and he had an amazing day with them. Yes, it was a breath of fresh air.

Today we've just been here at home catching up on little odds and ends here and there that needed to be done. Cleaning and organizing...and all that fun stuff. It was a very quiet, low key day and yes it was the breath of fresh air we needed.

This weekend has caused me to pause a bit and catch my breath...my heart was so nervous and anxious to start this whole transplant process. And now it's roughly 8 weeks away...pause heart...find your bearings again. I am finding that now I am looking at the world a little differently, I am not as anxious and I'm feeling much more at ease with waiting another 8 weeks.

Call it peace, call it trust...whatever you call it call it my Heavenly Father. He has met me in ways these past few days that leave me in awe of His care and concern for me. At times I admit that I feel lost in the shuffle, how in the world is He mindful of all the details of my life and so and so's life and on and on...but He is. I had ordered some books and they arrived yesterday...and I began to look at them and yes, I believe these are some of the pages I need to be reading these next 8 weeks...I need to begin to really unpack the grace He is lavishing on me throughout this journey. Even though this journey is hard, it's devastating and heart breaking...He knows and He is there filling moments with grace.

I know that there are ebbs and flows to this journey, one cannot hear that their child has relapsed and is again fighting leukemia without a range of emotions that is hard to manage...but, I also know that within this journey there is an uncanny presence of the Lord and His love for us, His love for Camryn that I cannot deny.

Oh, the Lord and I dialogue and I am constantly begging Him to give me perspective, help me see...to give me the strength to take the steps necessary for each moment and He does, He always does.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the bird of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value then they? And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he no much more clothe you - you of little faith?...But strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

~Matthew 7:25 - 33

In light of His care for me...I will breath deeply His love and rest in the promises of His word.

best of both worlds...

Yes, today was the best of both worlds...Camryn and I were invited to the Hannah Montana show. We got a backstage view of a taping while checking out the various sites and of course meeting a few people.

Posing with "Miley Cyrus" chair...



Camryn and Miley...yep, Camryn was lovin' this



At Rico's...playing Jackson



Hanging out at Rico's



With Robby Ray...aka Billy Ray Cyrus



In the Stewart kitchen



Posing with the famous Leg table



In the beauty shop trailer...Hannah Montana wig



On the motorcycle used in this episode



Many thanks to Mike and Steve who made this possible and for caring to take the time today...it was just so fun for Camryn. She was very excited to share her day with her Daddy when he got home.

Yes, today she had the best of both worlds.

hair cut

Look at our darling girl and her new stylish hair cut...







Oh, how I love this little face.

I Am...

The waiting today thankfully did not get the best of me...I was able to productive clean out our back room, that is more like a catch all for everything and anything. But, tonight it looks like actual living space and that makes me feel good. So I put that anxiety to work today and it paid off.

Camryn's doctor called about 3:30 and told me that her marrow was not clear enough for transplant yet. Camryn's marrow was at about 32% leukemia cells in February and now it is at 16%; so the arsenic has cut it in half. A huge praise. Camryn's doctors would really like to have her marrow at a lower percentage in order to move into transplant...especially since she is a relapsed transplant patient. Her doctor explained that the are being overly cautious with Camryn and that they want the best possible marrow in order to go forward to transplant.

I won't lie, I cried on the phone with her doctor...Dr. K was great and just did what she has always done for me since February of 2006. Yes, Dr. K is the only doctor who has walked with us since the beginning and I find great comfort in her. She let me cry and said she was sorry...but, that Camryn was doing well. The arsenic is working and we have to keep thinking positive and moving forward. I asked Dr. K if this was a huge set back...are we moving in the wrong direction? Absolutely not...Camryn is in the majority, most children who have relapsed need more than one treatment to get them ready to move ahead. She apologized for where we were...but, believes that we will get her better.

Jason and I are both disappointed with the results...we were so sure and hopeful that we would move into transplant. Granted transplant is no walk in the park, but it is inevitable and we just would love to move ahead. Move towards getting Camryn well.

As Dr.K said that the doctors want the least amount of leukemia cells in order to beat this...so that her transplant is a success. Which we get...believe me we so understand NOT wanting to walk this relapse road ever again. We understand that another treatment of arsenic is not a bad thing...in fact if the arsenic cuts 16% in half we'll be well on our way to transplant.

All that said...it's hard. Hard to imagine two weeks off, another four weeks of arsenic, another bone marrow aspiration, another two weeks off...yes, another 8 weeks. Two months?...wow, this road is beginning to feel very familiar...it's beginning to feel like 2006 all over again.

But, we know that this is the best scenerio for Camryn...this is what she needs. She needs her body free of as much of that dang leukemia as possible...in order to beat it. Camryn's winning...she is...it just might take a bit longer.

After I got off the phone with Dr.K and called Jason I just sat for a minute wondering how it all came to this...waiting on phone calls from doctors...waiting on schedules...mailboxes full of medical statements...a cabinet full of medical supplies...

Where in the world has our life gone?

The answer is simple...tonight after dinner we took a walk around the block; Camryn riding her bike like a champ and Wyatt pushing his little lawn mower. This is our life now...savoring, cherishing, relishing in every moment with our children. Every moment...hearing their giggles...watching them live, laugh and love the world around them. They do not fully comprehend what is coming in their life...but, for now maybe that's not important. Maybe what is important is that the Lord does...He is giving them the strength for each day, just as he is me.

He is the great I Am...He will be everything we need Him to be. He will meet us, He will hold us...

You saw me wear white, by pale candlelight,
I said forever to what lies ahead
two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
too much it might seem when it’s two AM

when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

The winds of change,
And circumstance blow in and all around
us so we find a foothold that’s familiar,
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
“Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer,
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer,
Lord and King, Beginning and
the End, I am, yes, I am.”

~ I Am...Nichole Nordeman

I know that the Lord will continue to hold us and He will continue to be what we need Him to be every step of the way. He continues to reveal Himself in ways that are unexpected and ways that allow me to rest in His care...

Because He is my Creator, Maker, Life-sustainer, Comfort, Healer, My Redeemer, Lord and King, Beginning and the End...yes, He is my Great I Am.

He is the One who is holding me still...yes, moment by moment...and He will be the same tomorrow.

I Am.

now we wait...

Have you ever waited for something that neither outcome is really what you want? You know it's like trying to decide which is the lesser of the two evils? That's kind of how I feel tonight...

Camryn had her bone marrow aspiration today...she was incredible. Really, she was just amazing. Jason and I both were a bit nervous as this time she wasn't sick so she was a little more aware of the surroundings and what was going on. But, true to Camryn form she did what was needed...which included being NPO since midnight last night. No breakfast, no water, no snacks...yes, she was struggling towards procedure time; but she did much better than I think I would have. She is a trooper...takes it all in stride.

Now we wait...we should get her results tomorrow some time and then we know which course we take. If clear...we start the testing and such to get authorization from insurance for transplant in mid-April. If not...two weeks off and then four more weeks of arsenic. Neither path is one I want, but no one is really consulting my planner on this. Truthfully, we are praying her marrow is clear so we can start the transplant process and get her better...even though this path is long, it is the inevitable path we will take. So, why not sooner rather than later.

Camryn's levels continue to be doing well, they are holding their own which is a very encouraging sign. We are very glad that throughout her three weeks of out-patient treatment she did not need any blood or platelet transfusions...what a praise!

Really, the praise is that the arsenic has done well so far and hopefully we will hear the news tomorrow that it completely did it's job. Because you see having the arsenic do it's job is a praise...God carried her through these past three weeks beautifully.

Today as we were waiting in the surgery center waiting room I was reminded that none of these steps are surprises to the Lord. He knows the path Camryn is walking, that our family is walking...even better than we do. He knows the outcomes and He holds our futures in His hand.

I'm very thankful they are big hands...

Waiting is not something I am entirely good at. In fact I do not pride myself in being a patient person, but recently patience has been my friend. I have had to wait...pure and simple. There is no rushing things when dealing with cancer...there is no pushing things through...there are steps, protocols, procedures...we just take it moment by moment.

I know tomorrow I will be a bit anxious until I hear from Camryn's doctors. But, I will trust that no matter the outcomes the Lord is already there...He is already holding us...for in moments like today when Camryn is in a procedure room and Jason and I are able to be at peace is only explained through the love of the Father.

For as I watched Camryn sleep after her procedure...her sweet baby face so angel like, my eyes welled up with tears. My precious little girl who I love with every ounce of myself is not mine...for I have to hold her loosely.

We cherish every day...as we are not promised a single one.

We wait patiently for tomorrow...

happiest place on earth

You’re dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids grown up, anyway." ~ Walt Disney

And it's true...when I look at the pictures from yesterday, what fun we had. Guess even in my thirties it's still magical...just taking it all in. These pictures just make me smile...and for yesterday I am just grateful.

Feeding the ducks

Me and Wyatt on Dumbo

A daddy's girl through and through

Yummy dessert

Daddy and his pirates

They make the ride worthwhile

Love this...priceless

Super Wy

Two peas in a pod

Yes...this face makes the day worth everything

celebrated today...

Disneyland's theme this year is "What will your celebrate?"...well, today we celebrated my birthday. Yes, almost mid-thirties...and Camryn was more than happy to share my age with everyong. Love that!

We had a wonderful day...honestly, we couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day. It was supposed to rain today, but we didn't hit a single drop...nope, we had sunny skies, occasional clouds and some chilly wind. But, not a drop of rain. The weather cooperated and we were able to celebrate today, not just my birthday; but our day as a family of four. I cherish these days.

We made sure to hit all the kids favorite places...and just soak in the day. Thankfully, the park wasn't too crowded at all and we just enjoyed the day. I will say that the park is a bit better with Camryn's temporary handicapped permit and her guest assistance pass. Sometimes there are little perks along the way.

Camryn of course LOVED Dumbo, the teacups, the carosel and the castle. She enjoyed all the sites of the day and just being at Disneyland...she crashed on the way home. A very full day, but a very fun day with our sweet girl. Made us realize how incredibly thankful we are for today...just to be able to take her one more time.

Wyatt enjoyed Disneyland more and more; seems like everytime we go he gets a bit more into it. He enjoyed seeing Rookie and Mater and of course the Pixar Parade...He also was my partner for It's a Small World and what fun we had. What fun to be able to share the day with Wyatt too...he just makes us smile.

All in all today was a wonderful birthday...it was very fun to spend the day with my three bests and just escape for a bit from the realities that are coming. To have a day that was beautiful...that was a day for us. Yes, this birthday was one of my favorites...just because today I was able to just be and I'll worry about tomorrow and the coming weeks, tomorrow.

**Pics coming soon...the battery died on the camera**

super heroes

Here's the Dynamic Duo doing what they do best...saving the day!

The Greatest Duo Ever

Super Wy

She's Incredible In So Many Ways

Favorite Pic...Love These Two!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane...It's Our Super Heroes

Today Camryn finished her first and hopefully only round of arsenic...yep, she did it. What an incredible trooper she was to wake up really early every day...drive 45 minutes...sit for 3 hours...and do it again day after day. Yes, she is simply incredible.

And Wyatt...well, he never ceases to amaze me. He simply just is the best...even in the midst of his tantrums or moments of pure 2 year old terribleness. Wyatt just keeps me smiling.

Yes, they are the Dynamic Duo...and they are getting ready for their second act. They did it once...they can and will do it again.

taking it all in...

Tonight is line change night at our house...we have to change Camryn's line every other day, so this week tonight is the night. Camryn does super during her line changes and thankfully a plus this time around is we only have to change her line every other day instead of every day...so as you can imagine it's much better this time. So we try to take a bath and change her line on the same night so that we can plan for the to get wet so to speak...but this has proven to change our night time rituals.

For as long as Wyatt could sit up and navigate the bath the kiddos took baths together...in fact one of Camryn's fondest memories of her first line was when Wyatt tried to pull it during bath time. Now...in order to avoid her line getting soaking wet we've decided that bath time is now solo time. Camryn goes first...little water, no big bubbles and just simplicity. Wyatt follows with lots of water, big bubbles and quite a production. While Wyatt is splashing around as any two year old should be Camryn is getting her line changed...yes, this is our ritual now.

Tonight though...Camryn didn't take a bath and we just changed her line...so she wanted to rush through so she could spend time with Wyatt in the bathroom. Honestly, it was so cute! Camryn read Wyatt books while he was in the bath, sat and colored...together that's where they long to be.





That is what I noticed most today...they want to be together, whether it's riding in the car singing "Jesus take the wheel" at the top of their lungs or playing ball in Wyatt's room. Whatever it might be they really want to be together...

I am preparing myself for what I think will be one of the hardest parts of Camryn's transplant...separation anxiety. Not from me or Jason...no separation anxiety of Camryn and Wyatt. These two have quite a story, there is a bond that runs deep and I know that many moments will be spent missing each other.

So for right now I'm taking it all in...soaking in these moments of the two of them together. Hearing the giggles, the chats...every bit of it. Realizing that these moments are the greatest treasures of these three weeks we've had as out patients. These three weeks that we've been able to just be a family...be together.

Tomorrow Camryn finishes up her first round of arsenic...our last day. I won't lie when we started our daily 5 day a week trips I thought this would be the longest 3 weeks of my life...well, it hasn't been. The days at the clinic have gone well...in fact today we made record time. Yes, we celebrate the little victories along the way. Tomorrow will end this stage of our journey...and I have to say that I am most thankful for how well it's gone. This arsenic cocktail as I call it as proven to work wonders in Camryn...she is herself, she feels wonderful, she is back. And I am so grateful that these past few weeks we've had Camryn being herself instead of sick acting Camryn. I can say that this would be a million times harder if she were laying on the couch not doing anything. Instead she is a ball full of energy and I love it.

Next week we start our two week chemo break...which will include various tests for insurance to approve her transplant. As of right now we have clinic and her bone marrow aspiration on Tuesday; clinic again the following Tuesday with Wyatt joining the fun; and a dentist appointment that Wednesday. That's all for now...but there will be more...

Camryn most likely will be admitted during the week of April 6th sometime...and then her transplant would be the following week. That is tentative, but for now that's the penciled in schedule.

I know that things can and probably will change...that's the unexpected I'm expecting. But for now I will take it all in...just take it day by day.

Step by step.

This week some of the steps have been difficult...I've been struggling with trying to reconcile how quickly my...our lives changed. How one day I was a teacher, with healthy children and making plans for birthdays and summer...and in a blink of an eye it changed. It's hard.

I am a planner...yes a bit type A. I like to know what is coming...I enjoy the expected of life. That's always been me...and now that me is unsettled with where I now find myself. I really cannot plan beyond tomorrow or even a few days from now...there is no sense fighting it, this is just what life is like when you are a parent of a child with cancer. Your life is no longer your own so to speak...my life is being dictating by something beyond my control. And honestly, it's a bit frightening at times, especially for me.

Sometimes I just feel lost...like the things that I always knew, the firm ground I walked was steady, sure. And now I can't see clearly...

One of my favorite characters from the Bible is Elijah...I remember back in fourth grade studying the various stories found in I Kings. The ravens feeding him...the widow and her son...the show down on Mt. Carmel...yes, Elijah lived quite a life. But, the moment that stands out to me is after...after Elijah's greatest victory.

Elijah had just proven to the prophets of Baal that His God was the one true God...Elijah had experienced on an incredible level. God showed up and Elijah was a first hand witness; he was flying high, until...

Jezebel got word and was after Elijah's life. Trouble was coming...

Elijah ran and ran for 40 days...and then God speaks and this is one of my favorite dialogues in Scripture.

"What are you doing here, Elijah?"

"I have been very zealous for the Lord...I alone am left, and they are seeking my life, to take it away."

"Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."

Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence.

~ I Kings 19

Silence is maddening for some...silence feels so incredibly lonely...silence reminds us that we are alone. And yet...

The Lord our God is in the silences as well as the noise of our lives. Yet, sometimes we avoid the silence...it causes us to really dig deep to listen, and to hear. To hear the silence of the Lord...for He speaks in silence.

There are some silent moments ahead...if you have ever made the hospital home you know that the night hours are quiet...lonely. And I wonder if the steps that have been hard this week are challenging me to be okay in the silence...

As uncomfortable as the silence is...

Maybe I should take it all in and respond...

Step by step.

days like this

Ever had days when you wonder when they will get better? They start in such a way that you wonder if it would be better to just got back to bed and literally start the day over...but, you can't.

Today was one of those days...

Tuesdays are always a bit of a rush for me and Camryn as we try to get out of the house before 7:00am to make it to clinic in time to get to the lab before it gets too crowded. Well...we didn't quite make it out of the house early. It was one of those you keep forgetting on this in the house mornings...plus, my keys got locked in my car.

Yeah, it was that kind of day...

Thankfully, we got the spare key after much searching. Why can't I always remember where I keep it so I don't forget? Ironic isn't it.

We were on our way to clinic, got to the lab and they were on number 71 and our number was 91. Yes, twenty people to wait through. All I can say is that Camryn is a trooper, she did great! Absolutely wonderful! We finally got her EKG, headed upstairs and made it to the procedure center.

As we were in the procedure center there were lots of people and lots of talk about transplants, weaning off meds, appeitates, steriods, cyclosporin...and this was with other patients. As I sat there my heart just went numb...is this really the world we are entering again? The world of tons of meds...tons and tons of doctors appointments...unknown outcomes...really?

Camryn did super today...she got her arsenic like a pro and helped the nurses flush her line and was her now normal talkative self. We saw the doctors and they agreed that Camryn looks wonderful, she is herself in so many ways...I'm really beginning to see how truly sick she was. Honestly, it's hard to think that in a few weeks another round of chemo will run through her body and knock out all the levels we are working so hard now to keep. Ironic isn't it?

Jason and I anxiously await Camryn's levels every Tuesday and Friday, we like to see how she's doing. We have gotten very good at reading lab sheets...very good.

Camryn's levels look really good today...in fact they look fabulous! Her white count has come up significantly over the last few days. We are very encouraged...in fact the elevated white counts brought the highlight of the day...

Since we live in So Cal and Disneyland just happens to be one our families favorite places...and in honor of Disneyland's free admittance on your birthday we had planned on going for my birthday this coming Sunday. Once Camryn relapsed we decided that was no longer an option and we'd just figure out something else to do.

Well, Jason after hearing Camryn's levels called her nurse practioner and asked about Disneyland. Taking a chance that they might say yes...well, they did. So on Sunday we will head to Disneyland...I am so excited! Camryn's team felt that it would be a fun outing before she has to go into transplant. Jason knowing that I wasn't having the best day surprised me with the news...as well as surprised Camryn and Wyatt.

Jason was telling me this evening about a co-worker of his that said something that made sense...sometimes you need to take the little small things and hold on to them. On days like this it is the little small things that get me through...

Days when I just want to stop...stop this nightmare...stop these realities...just make it all stop.

Days when I just want the world to understand that even though Camryn is doing so well right now...there is a long hospital stay that awaits her and her body will have a fight unlike any other.

Days when I can't seem to take another step...

And then the small things come...

A dear friend Kelly came to visit us today. Honestly, I love this girl so incredibly much...she has added so much to my life and I am forever grateful for the almost 18 year friendship we've had. She brought bright smiles and love for Camryn and Wyatt in the midst of a crazy day...I was simply thankful. Thankful that she decided to come over today...

A piece of cake from Dr. M...yes, Dr. M and Camryn have a friendship over cake. It started long ago when Camryn was in the first time...and it has continued. So in honor of Camryn bringing him cake last week, he brought her cake today. And that just made me smile...that he cares for her. I was thankful...thankful for the doctors who care for her.

A laugh, smile and fun with Camryn and Wyatt...I am very thankful for the smiles that the kids are bringing me these days. I know that these days will hold some incredibly memories and moments that will get us through transplant...that will hold us together.

The Lord will hold us throughout this journey as He already has and He will continue to. I know that the Lord held me fast today...because He holds me in His hands.

This song kept playing today...

It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself

There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on

There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room

So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now

In Better Hands ~ Natalie Grant

On days like this I believe, I know, I trust...that I am in better hands.

The hands of my Father...

3.15.02

Seven years ago today Jason and I were married...in so many ways it's hard to believe we have been married that long; and it others it seems like it was just yesterday.

Jason and I had planned to go out of town this weekend...but, in light of our circumstances now that is another thing that was "change" so to speak. Instead we spent the afternoon/evening together...shopping, chatting, eating...just being.

We had a wonderful day...really it was such a nice change of pace for us. We spent most of the day just chatting about life, about where we are...we tried not to focus on what is coming. At one point I just said, "Can we talk about something else?" The realities of our lives are hard to escape...but, for today we were able to celebrate our life together in the midst of the circumstances we find ourselves.

Seven years ago we said our I Do's and we vowed to walk through life together...never in a million years did we dream our married life would bring us here. But, it has and we are better for it. There is no one I would rather have by my side...no one.

Jason...

Thank you...thank you for who you are. For your strength, courage and positive outlook on life. You challenge me to see the world through different eyes...to hold on, even when I want to let go. Thank you for dreaming...for believing...for loving me.

I love you...

Always,
me

broader than it seems...

Another week down...honestly, time is passing relatively quickly and Camryn is getting through her arsenic treatments well. We have one more week and then we begin to prepare for transplant. I remember thinking that the arsenic weeks would be so long...now only one more.

Yesterday while we were at the procedure center and arsenic was running through Camryn's veins I was struck by something...childhood cancer is broader than it seems.

You see when Camryn was first diagnosed Jason and I did not personally know any other young children with cancer...it seems to strike so unexpectedly and in isolation. I remember my eyes being opened as we started chemo and such at Cedars...I remember seeing countless little kids and hearing their stories. As we walked through Camryn's first diagnosis and battle with leukemia...my heart was impacted by countless children and young adults who handled this disease with such grace and dignity.

Then Camryn started to get better and we started to return to our "normal" life, leaving our cancer world behind...we would still make our monthly trips back into cancer world. But day in and day out we were in the world of health...

Now, we are back in cancer world and my heart just breaks...Friday I saw countless children and their families getting blood draws...hooking up to IVs for chemo...talking with doctors. And I realized that Tuesday's clinic is for bone marrow transplant kids...Friday's clinic is for other type of cancers. Yes, this childhood cancer world is broader than it seems.

In our normal world...people aren't fighting this, but in our cancer world we cannot escape it. We begin to realize that we are not alone in this...there are many children fighting the fight of their life...there are many families struggling to keep it together...there are too many...far too many.

It is easy for our perspectives to become narrow...for our lives to be "easy" so to speak. For bad things to happen to other people...but, not in our circles. You know I was there once, but February of 2006 blew that all away.

I became a member of a group I never wanted a membership of...parents of a child with cancer. But, may I share something with you? It is through this journey that I have found a perspective I would not change. Oh, I would never ask for this journey...I would never choose it again. And if I could I would banish this disease from Camryn's life for all time. But, I can't...oh how I wish I could.

This is where we find ourselves and we are learning to appreciate what we've gained...leukemia has taken much...but, the Lord has given much. We are not less because of cancer...we are more because of Christ.

Our perspective is broader than it seems...because we are walking a journey that forces us to encounter people who are walking too...and I pray that Christ meets them where ever they are at.

As He is meeting us...and molding us into the people He desires us to be. Oh there are days when I yell and scream within myself and want answers...because my life looks so different than I would have ever wanted or even dreamed. I want things that I cannot have...

But, Christ love is enough and it is broader than it seems. His love is boundless, unconditional and available for me, for us. Even in the midst of this storm...His love is the anchor...

Yesterday as I was taking a walk my mom and I were talking about how well Camryn does with everything. How she has taken to her new schedule and everything so well...How she just does what she needs too. Where does the strength come from? The answer...The Lord hates this disease...He hates this war raging in Camryn's body. We live in a world that is fallen and broken and cancer strikes...but in his boundless love He provides. He carries Camryn through...He gives her strength for each day. He is the one...it is through Him that Camryn is able to live.

Yes...life in Christ is broader than it seems.

pictures

Here's a few pictures of our day outside...actually we've spent tons of time outside the last couple days and it has been wonderful!

Our little home run hitter


He bats left and throws right...Daddy likes that!


Darling girl


We're starting him young...


Riding her bike...yes, her legs are better!


Really, can't say I'm grateful enough...grateful for the last couple days. Yes, there have been tears, but there have been many more smiles, laughs and just good family time.

I'm so incredibly grateful that we have these weeks together at home to just be together...to enjoy the longer evenings of daylight...to enjoy the warmer weather...to enjoy our home...to just enjoy. To enjoy the life we have now for what it is. Yes, even in the midst of the storm we will praise...

Praise Him for another day.

quote...

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain, it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
~ C.S. Lewis

Found this quote on a scrap of paper on our desk that I was cleaning up today...wrote it down many, many years ago...funny how it found me today.

The Lord is moving...moving pieces of my heart, beginning to prepare me for what lies ahead. He is shouting in my pain...He is causing me to rely on Him in ways that I never have before. He is allowing me the grace to walk the path in front of me...He is shouting to me...

I hope He gives me the strength to listen, no matter where the path leads...

cupcakes...bikes...baseball...oh yeah, clinic

Aside from going to clinic today the day felt really "normal"...honestly, it felt as though we had stepped through and we were out on the other side.

Camryn decided that she wanted to take cupcakes to her most favorite nurses and doctors today...now it had to be a Tuesday because that is when Nurse Charlotte is there along with her doctors. So, last night we made cupcakes and we took them to clinic today. Honestly, my heart just smiled as I thought to myself that even in the midst of all of it...she appreciates those who care for her. She has such a special heart...one that I treasure.

As we were at clinic we had quite a lot of visitors...I've come to like Tuesdays as they go faster since there are a lot of people to chat with and see. Camryn did great getting her HKG (as she calls an EKG) done...it should a slight issue, but the cardiologists checked it out and gave Camryn's doctors the green light for more chemo. We saw the doctors who were so pleased with how Camryn looked...honestly they could not get over how much improved she is. They were pleased to hear that she is not on her pain meds and is up walking...moving and being much more active. All in all the consensus is that the arsenic is doing its job and we'll stay the course.

At this time the course is for Camryn to have a bone marrow aspiration on March 24th and if all is a go then Wyatt would go to clinic on March 31st to meet with the doctors and have his blood work done. Then about the second week in April it's go time. Now, all of this could change; but for now this is our plan...and oddly it feels good to have some sort of plan in place.

Later this afternoon when Jason got home from work the kids wanted to ride their bikes. Now, let me say that a week ago Camryn could barely walk...so the idea of her wanting to ride her bike made me smile. I honestly didn't think she would actually do it. Well...she did. She rode her bike all over the drive way while Wyatt just ran around. Seriously, that boy loves to run. They had a wonderful time...for a moment I caught myself just soaking it all in. The smiles, the laughter, the fights...all of it and it filled my heart.

After bike riding wore off Jason, Camryn and Wyatt turned to baseball...I got out the tee and off they went. Oh my goodness what a sight...the three of them playing ball. Of course Camryn had to lay out the plan and the rules and Wyatt well...he just wanted to get the game going. They had such fun...Camryn our little right hander and Wyatt, well he's batting left. Yeah, maybe we have a southpaw.

Honestly, today just felt so good...felt good to just be. To walk away from clinic knowing that this is the road for us now. Yes, I don't like it...in fact it's so hard for me to really consider what all of it means. But for today we walked our road one foot in front of the other. We did what was in front of us for today...and you know that's about all we can do.

I was reminded tonight as I hung out with my sister-in-law that really that's all we can do...take one step at a time. Do what is in front of you now and leave the rest? Well, leave the rest at His feet.

It is hard for me to let go...it is hard for me to release...some days are easier than others...

And today it was a bit easier.

faith...hope...love

Giving and taking...allowing and restricting...yes, these thoughts have rolled through my head and heart this weekend.

This past weekend was a difficult one for me, honestly it was not a complete surprise as I knew that things would eventually catch up with me...and they did.

Saturday a flood of moments and plans that we had made for the next few weeks came...because they are not to be. We are having to adjust what we were going to do and are finding it hard to really plan anything at this point. I guess the future is so unclear at this point...so how does one plan?

Hardship came in ways I didn't quite expect, but it came nonetheless...tears flowed freely on Saturday as I wrestled with our life now. I in no way want leukemia to define us...but, oh how it limits us. I guess those limitations of old are becoming reality again and accepting that has proven harder than I expected. After all this isn't the first time...

Sunday Jason went to Sunday School and I was reminded that church is so very far away...that going as a family is so incredibly far off. And you know what I had come to the place where I enjoyed going again...and now it's gone.

Sunday we also had the wonderful privilege to celebrate our nephews Blake & Ethan's birthday...to remember, honor and love them. We had to go early as Camryn can't be around large groups of people, but what a blessing it was. We cherish the time we spent with Rob, Devon and Riley...truly, our hearts were full of love. Camryn & Wyatt let balloons go to honor B & E...and it was so special. Wyatt didn't understand it all, but Camryn did. You see to Camryn, Blake & Ethan are her cousins who are enjoying the presence of Jesus now...and we'll see them soon. Camryn absolutely adores Uncle Robby, Dede and Riley so the day was so very special to her.

Treasures...




When we got home I had a message that my cousin Steven who is more like my brother had his baby girl yesterday...oh how my heart was thrilled. Steven means so much to mean and for him to be a Daddy just made me smile.

Yet...as I sat on the couch tears fell. Tears of grief mixed with joy...tears of fears. You see last night I had my first real cry of all this...I just let it come. I am scared...scared of what the future holds. Scared of Camryn being so very sick...scared of the realities. Because not everything works like we want it to. The tears came as I struggled to find words...words didn't come, sobs did.

Jason held me as I just cried...cried to be walking this journey again. Realizing that my years of motherhood have been forever marked by this dreaded disease...trying to release, let go and yet...feeling the desperate need to hold on.

As I woke up this morning for another week of clinic visits and arsenic treatments...I felt the Lord so clearly. It is as if He said hand it over Dana...let the tears fall for in the tears I hear your heart. As Jason said last night the Lord hates all this as much as we do...in fact He does.

Today the Lord has held me...and I have felt His peace even in the midst of the storm raging within me. I can't quite understand all that is in front of us...I can't see clearly...

"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." ~ I Cor. 13:12 - 13

Faith, Hope and Love...clinging to these three.

our little guy wy

A lot of time is devoted to Camryn...after all she is the one with cancer, but tonight I wanted to share a bit about the greatest little man in my life.

Wyatt from the moment he was born has never ceased to amaze me...he is quite possibly the greatest gift ever. There is so much more to Wyatt than meets the eye, long ago I simply just knew that this little boy would fill places in my heart like no one else.

Wyatt makes me smile...he just makes me smile and these days smiles are something that my mommy's heart needs. Tonight he was my partner for the game of Trouble and he just sat on my lap...and I just savored the moment. He's almost two-and-a-half...but my baby he will always be. I'm sure years from now he will argue with me about how grown up he is, but I know that I will forever look at him as my little guy Wy.

There is a long road ahead for our family and in as much as I am worried about Camryn I am equally worried about Wyatt. Wyatt will have to adjust to a new routine, a new schedule...he will most likely be juggled between grandparents as Jason and I will have to be with Camryn. Wyatt also will be going into surgery...that is something that I had not anticipated and yes it scares me to a degree.

I was talking with a mom earlier this week and she asked me if I was scared to have Wyatt go into surgery...was I worried about him? Yes, I am...but, I thought about it for a moment and said...You know if Wyatt were older and able to understand all of this I don't think for a moment he'd say no. He would do whatever it takes to save his sister...he absolutely loves her.

And that's the beauty of it...Wy loves Cam so incredibly much and he will miss her for the 8 to 12 weeks she is in transplant...and that's a hurt my heart is learning to hand over. Our family of 4 will have to adjust again...but, the Lord is faithful.

I will never forget what my OB said when Wyatt was born..."this baby's not early he's right on time..." Yes, in fact he was and is...he is continually what we need.

Wyatt's life verse is...

"perhaps you have come for such a time as this..." Esther 4:14

I believe that the Lord has big things for our little guy Wy and I am so thankful...

catching up with me

Two weeks of arsenic down...two weeks to go and it is all starting to catch up with me.

Today I am tired...just overwhelmed by all that lies ahead and yet trying to take it day by day.

Camryn finished up her second week of arsenic today and she is doing really well...our daily visits to the procedure center are going well, the EKGs are going well...her blood counts are doing well...all in all Camryn is doing alright. Her leg pain has subsided quite a bit...which is a praise, she is walking more and more and complaining of less and less pain. She is making progress and it appears to be in a positive direction.

Although today her white count was low...Wyatt has been sick so it's likely that Camryn might come down with a bug too. This isn't unusual for siblings to share sickness, but Camryn's system is fragile so please pray that she can be protected and not get too sick. No fevers...that's what we need.

Wyatt has done well this week with the newer schedule...he enjoys his mornings with Papa & Grandma and his afternoons with Mommy. It has been a lot of fun getting to spend more time with Wyatt and just being with him...he truly brings a smile to my face and I thank the Lord daily for him.

I think a lot of feelings are finally just catching up with me...feelings that are bound to come...I've done this before, I know. Feelings that make you feel so helpless...and yet, there are people more than willing to help. People who are willing to do whatever we need...I appreciate it, but honestly I don't know what we need. I mean...I can't put it into words.

Today I went by work to see people, talk to my sub and tidy up a few loose ends that I left when my world abruptly changed...it was hard. Hard to answer the same questions...hard to by real and yet strong...hard to realize that my students are still mine with a new teacher...hard to realize that I have to let go.

It is catching up with me that I have to let go of so many things...my hopes of our non-isolated future...my dreams of kindergarten...my ideas of summer plans...my hopes of returning to some sort of normal...yes, all of those things have shifted dramatically and it's hard to explain.

We were just starting to settle into a non-isolated world...starting to venture out again and really "be" in the world. And now we are isolated again...making plans to be where kids aren't. Trying to avoid as many people as possible, not because we don't want to see them; but simply we can't. Our world was getting bigger and now it's so much smaller...

I won't lie I had big dreams for Camryn going to kindergarten...thoughts of her first day riding to school with me. For the first time we'd spend days at the same place...watching her enjoy "normal" school life...oh my heart had big dreams. Those are gone now...I know someday she will go to school, but for now I know she will have to be home schooled and that normal kindergarten will never be.

As a teacher summer is always a time of year I look forward to...Jason and I usually make plans for day trips, mini-vacations and such. Well, this year that's not to be...no trips to Disneyland...no annual trip to Morro Bay...no we were starting to work out some details and now that seems so futile now.

Normal is alluding me again...and all of the thoughts of what is to come and the anxious feeling...you know all of it is weighing heavy tonight. I feel as though there are so many things that have changed...and again I'm trying to define what our life is now.

But maybe all that doesn't matter...maybe what matters is today. Today Camryn did well...Wyatt is getting over his cold...Jason came home from work...and I am okay. Maybe that's all it needs to be for today...

Yes, if I get too far ahead of myself it all just catches up with me and I feel overwhelmed...

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

I guess my heart needs to rest...just rest.

forever in our hearts...

A year ago two sweet boys came into our lives and we will never be the same...

Happy Birthday Blake Lucas and Ethan Derek.

Thinking much of you today and your Daddy, Mommy and your sister...know that we love you, we miss you and we await the day to be with you again.

All our love...

all too familiar

Clinic today went really well...my dad decided to go with us to give us company, truly I always love my dad's company. My dad and I honestly could talk forever about school, sports, life...really I am my father's daughter in so many ways. So I really appreciated the company today.

Camryn did well...in fact today has been a very good day for her. She is up walking around...yes, she is on the move. Granted she is not running, jumping or skipping...but she is up off the couch and able to walk to the table, bed, bathroom or anywhere else by herself. We are praising the Lord. Her legs are improving...work arsenic, work.

Tonight Camryn and Wyatt are playing and having fun together...we are seriously seeing Camryn for the first time in awhile and it is refreshing. She is herself and for that I am exceedingly thankful.

Yet...

Today at clinic I saw a sight all too familiar. A mom who had that look...the look of exhaustion, pure sadness, just numb to the world and a little one...bald head, line scar on his neck...yep, they were walking a journey that was all too familiar.

As I watch them and overheard parts of their story...I was just numb. Please Lord work in their story...be with them I prayed as I sat there with Camryn. Then one of the nurses came in and Camryn wanted to say hi...so she did and then we ended up meeting the mom and the little boy. I was introduced as a mom who could answer transplant questions...yeah, I guess that's me now. So, the mom and I talked...I answered her questions and I tried to encourage her. At one point in the conversation I just said, I am sorry, so very sorry. Her eyes filled with tears...thank you she said.

I remembered how it felt that first time...walking through the various stages with Camryn and feeling so utterly alone, like no one in the world could possibly understand. And today...I was able to be for her someone that I had not too long ago longed for. Someone who could understand...

Please pray for their family...they start transplant process on Saturday with transplant day on March 18th.

As we left clinic Camryn said good-bye to the little boy and then looked at me and said, "Mommy I need to make him a card to take to him in the hospital." Yes, she too gets it...

So, this week we will work on a care package and some cards to give to a family we literally just met, but feel an instant connection too because they too are walking something all too familiar.

I also have come into contact with a few other families walking this journey...thank you...I thank the Lord for these new "friendships". These new people in my life who are ministering to me and who I can minister to. People who understand what it is like to watch your child battle with everything they have...people who understand what it is like to just release...to trust that the Lord will never let go.

People who are walking a journey that is all too familiar...and yet we are walking it again...

one on one

I am finding complete joy in getting to spend the morning hours of each weekday with Camryn...there is a blessing that I had not counted on. We enjoy our car ride together and then we spend time just one on one while arsenic is running through Camryn's veins.

We laugh as we watch movies...we enjoy coloring together...we chat...yes, we enjoy time together that if not for leukemia we would never have had.

Now believe me I'm not saying I am thankful for leukemia as it has given me so much...in fact it's quite the contrary. Leukemia has and is taking away a lot of things and I hate it, literally I hate it...but yet, we are given some things...

For most of the my years as a mommy I have worked...my parents have graciously watched Camryn and Wyatt and it has been the best of both worlds so to speak. Well, now I'm just a mommy...oh I'm still a teacher and I have students that I miss and care about so deeply. But, right now I am a mommy...and it feels good.

It feels nice to spend the afternoons with the kids soaking in all the playtime I can, because in the very near future our time together will be much different. So for now I will continue to enjoy these moments.

Camryn's appointment today went well...EKG looked good...Arsenic ran fine...Blood counts look much improved. YAY! The arsenic is appearing to do it's job and we are very thankful. Camryn also has been walking a bit more and her leg pain seems to be subsiding which is a praise.

One day at a time...and you know some days are better than others...some days I feel as though I can make it through and other days the tears fall.

One step...

One step at a time.

making more of Christ...

Tonight I finally watched the second half of a dvd on hope from a series by Louie Giglio...let me back up.

A few months ago I saw a dvd by Louie Giglio on the greatness of God, the indescrible nature of God...I quickly bought the dvd series which also included one on hope. At that time I did not realize how appropriately that dvd would touch my life. Jason and I watched three of the dvds, but for some reason we never watched the fourth one...entitled The Megaphone of Hope.

Jason watched the dvd last week one night when he was home with Wyatt and told me I had to see it...well, tonight I did.

As tears filled my eyes I felt that the Lord knew that tonight I needed to hear what Louie Giglio had to say. Not because he is a great speaker, which by the way he is; but because I needed to hear it. I needed to hear so clearly a message for the very place I find myself.

In John 16:33 Jesus says: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus is talking with his disciples foreshadowing his death...that trouble is coming, not a trouble of a light nature...but trouble. The kind of trouble that drops you to your knees, the bottom falls out and life takes a turn you never expected...this trouble comes because we live in a fallen, broken world. A world where trouble comes upon the good, the bad and everyone in between. The innocent, the guilty...and many of us are left to wonder WHY?

The peace comes in the trouble by being in Jesus...not calling on Him when trouble comes, but being in Him. Having a relationship with Him so that when trouble comes...the peace comes from Him.

Yet, the glory of it all is that Jesus has overcome the world...He has won.

That is the statement that rang true...I don't have to wait and see if Jesus overcomes the situations that I find myself, He already has. The glory is found in Him...that through the places I find myself I can glory in Him. I can make more of Him to the world around me.

The circumstances don't change...we are in trouble, the bottom of our world fell out a week ago and now we are left trying to find our way in the darkness again. But, we hold to the anchor...the cross of Christ.

For in the cross Jesus overcame...He showed us love like no other and in His love we can find rest. We cry out to Him, we call out for Him to work and He is...to His will and purpose and most of the time I completely don't get it. But, that's when I realize that I am not God. I am not the one left to decide the futures of the people here...oh if I were what a mess we'd have.

No, my calling...is to make more of Christ. To allow the suffering to come, because it will...but to cling, hold, never let go of the all surpassing knowledge that my God is good...He is love and He has won.

If you haven't heard this song...it is powerful...

Mighty To Save ~ Hillsong

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender (I surrender)

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light &
Let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus

You're the Savior
You can move the mountains
Lord You are mighty to save
You are mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
You rose & conquered the grave
Yes You conquered the grave

The tears fall...the hurt comes...the darkness creeps in...

but, take heart...

my Savior has overcome...

it's good to be home...

Honestly, there is no better place than home after you've made the hospital "home" for a week...the enjoyment of the comforts of home that for the past week had been lost are wonderful now...as I type this I am relaxing on the couch instead of trying to be comfortable in the chair/pull out bed. So much more comfortable...

Camryn's resting peacefully in her bed with her nightlight on instead of the greenish glow of the IV machines...there will be no beeps tonight, there will be no monitors going off...no trips to the bathroom every two hours...no none of those things. There will be peace...peace in her body, as she just comfortably closed her eyes and went to sleep. She's a beautiful angel sleeping oh so peacefully, while inside her body a war is raging and right now the arsenic seems to be winning.

Camryn's doctors were very pleased today to see improvements in her levels, which seem to indicate that the arsenic is starting to work its magic. The arsenic is attacking those cursed leukemia cells and letting her body rest...go into remission. We pray that the arsenic works...that Camryn's body over the next few weeks can find peace and the leukemia is defeated. Right now Camryn's biggest struggle is her legs...she is have some severe leg pain as a result of her leukemia and to add to that being in a bed for a week and not really using her legs as added to the noodle feeling. We are hopeful that as she begins to move more and more she can find some relief...

Tonight we were able to let Camryn take a quick bath and we gently washed her hair. She has a central line which makes bathtime a little less fun than normal...but, she didn't really care. The warm water felt good on her legs and I think clean hair felt good too. After her bath I changed her line dressing...I will say she was perfect. Stayed still...followed directions and of course Wyatt was carefully watching over the process calling me a "doctor"...yeah, we are quite the medical family.

Wyatt was especially thrilled to have Camryn home...he could not sit close enough to her tonight...he wanted to "be" with her at all times. Yes, he truly is a little brother who absolutely loves his big sister...it's so priceless to see them interact together, that's something I will cherish over these next few weeks...I will keep those moments deep in my heart.

Jason and I are finally able to be home at the same time...it's nice. We are still trying to sort all the stuff out far as schedules...and such, but being home makes it so much easier. Jason heads back to work tomorrow so I will be taking Camryn down to clinic everyday, but thankfully her appointments are in the mornings so we should be home to have the afternoon and evenings together as a family.

Now we begin to savor these next few weeks...

What lies ahead of us is transplant for the second time and honestly it is a very scary reality...to go there again is hard. Over these next few weeks Jason and I could use your prayers to begin to release our fears and release our hurts and begin to hand the whole transplant process over. To let go...

I know in my head that Camryn is doing what she needs to...that this arsenic treatment and a bone marrow transplant are necessary, but my heart...well, that's another story. I want to scream at this disease to leave her alone, to shake my fits in the air at having to watch her suffer again, to be angry, to be mad...yes, I want to do all those things.

But, I am reminded that all of those things are for me...they would make me feel better but I'm not sure they would do much good for Camryn.

You see I have to believe for her...I have to have courage for her...I have to be her rock, Jason and I both do. We have to be for her what Christ is to us...

So when she lashes out at us...when she says her angry words...when she is just broken, we keep loving her. We keep holding her and assuring her that she will be alright, that we love her and we always will. I guess that's a picture for me of what the Lord is doing for me, His child.

After all it's good to be home...safe within my Father's arms. There is great comfort to be found at home for Camryn...just like there is great comfort for me with my Father...

May I be "home" with my Father throughout these next few weeks as we prepare for the long stretch of being away from home.