pruned...real...

When the world goes quiet, I hear it...the sound of my greatest fears rising to meet me.

This past Friday morning at work we were to share around the table of ways that God is pruning us, as he is the vine grower and we are the little twiggy vines...I love this imagine, but I hate how it feels.

Over the past almost 5 years I have felt as though the vinegrower is utterly abterating my vine, pruning it to the core, stripping away all that was and leaving me, the vine wondering what is to come of me. As I sat I thought...obviously having a child with cancer qualifies for quite a lot of pruning. But, it was more deeply that the pruning is happening...

A place where if it is quiet, it finds me...

FEAR.

The fear of what is to come, the unknowns, the what if's...all those things rise up to meet me and it almost swallows me alive.

As I shared around the table, I have grown in that I do not fear every minute like I used to. I used to be afraid to go to work that one day the phone would ring and it be a crisis...I used to not want to let Camryn or Wyatt for that matter out of my sight for fear that something would happen...I used to fear the minutes as they ticked away on the clock. Thankfully, those every moment by moment fears have subsided quite a bit...

But, the core fear...it lingers still.

As I shared I spoke of people asking me if Camryn is going to school in the fall, a very appropriate, real question...but, really I don't know, because at the heart of it I don't know if Camryn will make it to Christmas. These are the fears.

I wish I could plan, but the vinegrower is pruning me back to force me to trust him and him alone...to be driven to my knees in utter desperation because I can no longer plan, I can no longer just assume; but rather I live day by day, moment by moment in the hands of my Lord.

Many times I have asked the Lord to stop pruning me...almost as if "enough is enough Lord"...I'm tired, I'm broken and I'm hurting. Hurting so deeply that at times I almost find myself walking through life not really living, because if I really lived then that would mean I would feel and if I felt something it would hurt.

As I sit typing this my mind is remembering a precious children's story The Velveteen Rabbit...

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive.

But the Skin Horse only smiled.

Maybe in order to be real, to really live we have to be bruised, pruned in order to fully live in the abundance of His love for us...

light the night in pictures...

Light the Night 2010...

On Saturday evening we were joined by family and friends to walk in honor of Camryn and her incredibly journey; and to raise money to find a cure...for hope.



Camryn's Donor...Wyatt Jason.



The Dynamic Duo...oh a story, a bond, a love that is found in these two.



Wyatt & Camryn...
Wyatt's shirt says, "Donor for my Big Sister"
Camryn's shirt says, "Survivor BMT 10.20.06, BMT 06.04.09"



Camryn & Riley...these two share a special date, 10.20 girls, miracles in our midst.



Cam, Ry & Wy



Camryn and the Berggren girls...Kassie, Paige, Claire & Lucy, many thanks for Kelly and the girls joining us!



Our Survivor enjoying her night...she thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with all her cousins and friends!



Team Mikels...a few faces were missing, some out of town, some sick, but we thank all who came and gave to our team. THANK YOU!



Wyatt and Riley ready for the "walk"...or rather ride.



Camryn & Claire...these two girls walked hand and hand for a majority of the 2 miles, it was precious.



Action shot...walking and "lighting the night"



Thought this was cool...two red balloons to support the cause, one white balloon in honor of Camryn the survivor, and a gold balloon to honor, remember my Aunt Frankie



Camryn walking with her friends...many thanks to Megan & Mason for coming, meant so much!



Riley & Reagan taking it easy while walking...Uncle T and Aunt Ali joining us too, meant the world to have you all with us.



Camryn felt very special having her family and friends with her...you all hold a very special place in her life.



Our family...the journey has been long, hard and down right horrible at times; but nights like this remind us that we are not alone, we had and continue to have such amazing family and friends who support us...blessings for sure.



Of course we could not forget Peighton Hope...so glad she came along with us, she too is our miracle girl, we love her so.



Wow...all in one night...



We are thankful to walk...

With HOPE.

it's that time again...

It's a Tuesday, so that must mean a clinic appointment for Miss Camryn Lee.

Camryn and Jason headed out early this morning, trying their best to beat some of the California crazy drivers in the rain. But, to no avail...it took them quite awhile to get to clinic. Ugh! Sometimes I am ever so thankful that UCLA isn't too far, I mean we have some UCLA friends that travel from Bakersfield, so I guess perspective is everything, right?

Anyways, they made it and they got to see Dr.M today...which was nice, since we hadn't seen him in a couple months. Dr.M again agreed with everyone that Camryn "looks good", "seems good" and he is very pleased with her progress. He was especially pleased that her mouth sores seem to be healing up quite nicely and as he said, "her mouth looks much better." Yay! Dr.M does not want to change anything at this point, he is pretty confident and settled on where Camryn is at this moment...so no changes in meds. The only possible change would be to continue her tacrolimus wean, but they would wait for blood levels and see.

Again Camryn did super, duper with her blood draw, not a tear, not a peep. Really, she is quite amazing and at times I just have to stop and remember all that she's endured and my momentary physical aliments are really nothing. She's a champ for sure!

Camryn's labs came back great, which is never taken for granted. Yes, even after almost five years Jason and I both look over the labs sheets. Is it crazy that we know where normal white counts, hemoglobin, hematocrit, and platelet levels are? I guess not too crazy...so Jason and I chat about the levels and always breath deeply when we see that they are normal. Well, normal for Camryn that is.

Once Camryn and Jason made it home from clinic they met my parents and Wyatt at their special spot and off Jason went to work and Camryn for a fun day with her best friend.

When I got to my parents house to pick the kids up after school they were having lots of fun playing and playing...and for a moment it does not seem that this is the same little girl who has a file at UCLA inches thick, or a team of doctors, or is a regular so to speak with hemotologists and oncologists. Really, Camryn is doing great. And that is enough, more than enough.

I won't lie had a bit of a hard time this past weekend as October is just so full of memories...it was four years ago tomorrow that Camryn had her first transplant, it was two years ago that we began to notice something is wrong, little did we know how wrong.

Tears met me and there are days when they just come, because after all this journey is long and the moments are full with meaning. I wish so badly at times that for a moment we could be without the past looming, but that is not to be. So we learn to place it the only place where it can even be dealt with...in our Savior's hands.

I will admit that I would like to take it back again and again and sometimes I do. If I'm honest I am scared...terrified of the what ifs, what might come tomorrow, relapses and just illness. Fear is crippling, really it is...

This past Friday I had the opportunity to talk with a group of high school students about living in Plan B...ironic huh? I guess you could say for the past almost five years we are in a permanent state of Plan B. But, the one thought that the Lord kept knocking on my heart with is the idea of fear...being afraid of the unknowns, being afraid that it just may not be this way or that way. I guess after the world has collapsed it's hard trusting that it won't collapse again.

So it's that time again...really over and over, to lay my sweet baby girl at my Savior's feet knowing that He loves her infiniately more than I do. And trusting in that perfect love...I don't know what the future holds, but I do know for today Camryn does not go back to clinic until November 23rd, five whole weeks. Amazing.

It's that time again...

pumpkin patch...

A fall tradition...

In so many ways the coming of fall stirs so many memories for us...October is full of memory and meaning. For a couple of years going to the pumpkin patch was not an option, so honestly we thoroughly enjoy every trip.

Camryn loves the pumpkin patch, she loves hunting for the perfect pumpkin and this year she loved getting her face painted...quite a cute pumpkin I must say.



This little guy loves running through the rows of pumpkins trying to find just the right one. Wyatt is growing up all too fast and I cannot believe it, yep I'm in denial just a bit.



Camryn & Wyatt...these two names go together in the same breathe all too well. Not sure what in the world I'd do without them, and I'm certain that the journey to get them both where they are today has made me appreciate them and love them even more.



Wyatt's found one...



Camryn thought the grouds were really cool...



Lots of fun checking out the animals, pumpkins, various activities...these two no know greater friend than each other and I love watching them just hold on tight to their greatest gifts ever. But, somedays I do wish they had a broader life with more friends, but I cannot help to wonder what these days, months and years spent only truly having each other will do to their bond as they get older...



Camryn loves getting her face painted...



Camryn and Daddy with her choice...she is anxiously awaiting the "great pumpkin carving".



These three make the ride worthwhile...they make the days full and bright and they hold the greatest pictures of my Savior's love for me...



And for those curious about how much progress Camryn has made...here is where we were last year.

In the words of Camryn's favorite worship song...

My Savior LOVES, My Savior LIVES
My Savior's always there for me

And He has been, is and will be....forever.

10.10.10

Four years ago Camryn was admitted to UCLA for her first bone marrow transplant just two days away from 2 1/2...wow, on one hand it seems like a lifetime ago and on the other I can take myself back there in no time at all.

But, on 10.10 this year we headed to Disneyland to celebrate Wyatt's birthday. Yes, Wyatt's birthday was almost a month ago...but, our weekends have been pretty full so we decided on today and boy did it not disappoint. The kids had a wonderful time...tried some new rides which was fun. Camryn braved the raft ride to what I like to call Tom Sawyer's Island...Wyatt braved the Jungle Cruise for the first time...And both of them tried the Autopia and it was a blast! We had a great day, truly a very special time as a family of four...beyond blessed. Unfortunately the camera did not make it on our trip...oh well, got lots of great memories stored in my mind's eye. A very special little boy who has blessed our lives over and over again...so thankful for Wyatt!

In other happenings...

* Camryn saw the oral surgeon on Thursday and it was determined that she does not have an infection in her mouth, but rather the sores are from her medicines. Whew, a bullet dodged. The appointment did not go all that smoothly as Jason and Camryn did not know where they were going, or rather where they were told to go was misinformation. So, they spent quite a lot of time wandering around UCLA and finally after filling out a complete medical history on Camryn which as you can imagine is no easy task...they saw the surgeon. It was a very long day for Cam and Jay...but, true to their personalities they did great and I am so thankful for Jay. He is the greatest Daddy in the world for being willing to take Cam to her appointments and just be so great with her.

* Wyatt and Camryn are thoroughly enjoying my nephew Caleb who is living with my parents while going to graduate school. They get to see him almost everyday and they are loving it! Hope they aren't driving Caleb too crazy, but boy do they LOVE their oldest cousin!

* Saturday we found our way to the pumpkin patch and it was great! I took lots of pictures so I'll get those up soon...it was a fun, fun day!

* Last Sunday through Tuesday I was out of town with our 9th grade class from Village on a retreat...it was our first time and it went super! We had a great time hanging out, listening to great speakers, playing games, worshipping our Lord and just growing together. I am beyond thankful for our days together...not only for what the Lord is doing in the freshman, but even in me.

* This year I'm finding work to be an entirely new experience...the Lord truly is meeting me in so many unexpected ways. After last year when I felt so disconnected, I was longing to reconnect and maybe build some new friendships at work. The Lord is faithful...I have found myself interacting with new people and it is wonderful. The Lord is helping my isolated heart...it's truly a healing of sorts.

* It's been a busy start of the school year, but now with October coming our hearts start remembering where we've been. Last year Camryn was on steroids throughout the month of October and it was a rough time...what a difference a year makes. We are so thankful that our girl is doing well and she continues to amaze us all.

Thankful for the days ahead and the days that have passed...thankful for the Lord's faithfulness.

So thankful.

dance clinic...

Dance Clinic fun...









Playing a little tackle football...



Ready for the parade...



Cute Wy Man...



Making some new friends...



These four girls put on quite a show, it was priceless. Camryn thoroughly enjoyed the game with her new friends...



Last Saturday was priceless, Camryn loved being a "normal" little girl. Wyatt loved him some more football and well, this mom was thankful, beyond thankful.