This past weekend was a difficult one for me, honestly it was not a complete surprise as I knew that things would eventually catch up with me...and they did.
Saturday a flood of moments and plans that we had made for the next few weeks came...because they are not to be. We are having to adjust what we were going to do and are finding it hard to really plan anything at this point. I guess the future is so unclear at this point...so how does one plan?
Hardship came in ways I didn't quite expect, but it came nonetheless...tears flowed freely on Saturday as I wrestled with our life now. I in no way want leukemia to define us...but, oh how it limits us. I guess those limitations of old are becoming reality again and accepting that has proven harder than I expected. After all this isn't the first time...
Sunday Jason went to Sunday School and I was reminded that church is so very far away...that going as a family is so incredibly far off. And you know what I had come to the place where I enjoyed going again...and now it's gone.
Sunday we also had the wonderful privilege to celebrate our nephews Blake & Ethan's birthday...to remember, honor and love them. We had to go early as Camryn can't be around large groups of people, but what a blessing it was. We cherish the time we spent with Rob, Devon and Riley...truly, our hearts were full of love. Camryn & Wyatt let balloons go to honor B & E...and it was so special. Wyatt didn't understand it all, but Camryn did. You see to Camryn, Blake & Ethan are her cousins who are enjoying the presence of Jesus now...and we'll see them soon. Camryn absolutely adores Uncle Robby, Dede and Riley so the day was so very special to her.
Treasures...
When we got home I had a message that my cousin Steven who is more like my brother had his baby girl yesterday...oh how my heart was thrilled. Steven means so much to mean and for him to be a Daddy just made me smile.
Yet...as I sat on the couch tears fell. Tears of grief mixed with joy...tears of fears. You see last night I had my first real cry of all this...I just let it come. I am scared...scared of what the future holds. Scared of Camryn being so very sick...scared of the realities. Because not everything works like we want it to. The tears came as I struggled to find words...words didn't come, sobs did.
Jason held me as I just cried...cried to be walking this journey again. Realizing that my years of motherhood have been forever marked by this dreaded disease...trying to release, let go and yet...feeling the desperate need to hold on.
As I woke up this morning for another week of clinic visits and arsenic treatments...I felt the Lord so clearly. It is as if He said hand it over Dana...let the tears fall for in the tears I hear your heart. As Jason said last night the Lord hates all this as much as we do...in fact He does.
Today the Lord has held me...and I have felt His peace even in the midst of the storm raging within me. I can't quite understand all that is in front of us...I can't see clearly...
"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love." ~ I Cor. 13:12 - 13
Faith, Hope and Love...clinging to these three.
3 comments:
Dana, Susan and I have been praying for Camryn and you guys from the moment we heard the news. You are on the APU prayer list and there are many church bodies praying for Camryn's recovery. Your faith, hope, and love are so inspiring! We love you guys!
Susan and Don
I am a complete stranger but I am amazed at your testimony of stength and faith and love etc.. I hope that the Lord has a miracle in store for you and your sweet family. You are an example to all. Thank you.
I am praying for Camryn and all of you! I am praying for strength for you. I am so sorry that you are having to face this journey, know that you are strong and that with God at your side all things are possible.
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