heavy heart...

some days the world we knew at ucla meets the world we know now and the collision can be an emotional mess...

when camryn relapsed and we were going to ucla every monday - friday for 8 weeks we came to be friends with a six-year-old boy d and his momma j.  as camryn and d would chat about the shows they were watching i found a common thread with j and it was so wonderful.  

their family had been walking this journey a long time...d had relapsed too...they were scared, frightened of what the future might hold.  we talked about treatments, radiation, doctors, school, and everything in between.  j and i became friends over many an hour in the procedure center. 

in fact one of my most telling moments as a mom of a child with cancer came with j.  camryn and d had finished treatment at the same time so we left the procedure center together, rode the elevator all the while watching the two of them laugh and play...it was good for our hearts.  as we were walking through the lobby a lady said, "look at that little boy, how sad..."  you see d had the notorious bald head of a cancer child...but, camryn did not, she looked "healthy".  this moment always stuck with me about cancer children...no one truly knows how sick they are by looking at the outside.  

after we moved through transplant and now almost four years past that point j and i are FB friends, we would send messages now and then.  i would check their blog for updates on d and pray that someday he'd be healed.

well, today he is healed...in the arms of Jesus.  

d passed away this morning after brain tumors relentlessly attacked his mind over and over.  it has been a long hard struggle for d's family...my heart aches for them.  their life was d and his fight and now they have to try to put the pieces back together.

i love d...i love j.  they met me at a time when i needed them most and i thank the lord they were there.

i am sad.  sad for all that cancer robs people of.  sad that d did not make it to his birthday this weekend.  sad that there is a mom who has devoted much of her life the past four years fighting, advocating, and caring for her son.

and really...i struggle with the reality of camryn's cancer all over.  it all just hits so close to home and there are no words to suffice.  

but, i lean into the One who knows.  i've cried tears and i've smiled.  all the while leaning into Jesus believing, hoping that He will carry j through.

until then...

the one where...

if you are anything like me you lived the late 90's, 2000's glued to the television on thursday nights to watch f.r.i.e.n.d.s.  and you know they titled every episode "the one where..."

anyways...last monday i met wyatt at his classroom to say hi, get his backpack, and send him off to mathletes.  he complained that his ear was hurting and i thought that was odd, no other symptoms of an ear ache.  no fever, no runny rose, nothin'.  like a good mom i asked the questions trying to assess the situation (a.k.a. was he trying to get out of mathletes).  finally, he says, "mom, i have an eraser in my ear."  no.joke.  i was surprised, shocked, and when i looked in his ear and saw a piece of something pushed way back i thought "oh my goodness...what in the world!"

i quickly thought and called his doctor while we walked to the nurses office...maybe the nurse can help us.  the nurse confirmed it was in there deep and he'd have to go to the doctor.  thankfully, his doctor said bring him in...i was so glad a trip to the ER had been avoided.  seriously, what level of triage is an eraser in the ear...this coming from the mom of a childhood cancer survivor knowing how to play the ER card in her favor. 

we drove to the doctor, all the while camryn giving wyatt the what for in the backseat because she was bitter that she was not going to get to go to the book fair.  yes, we have some work to do on being concerned about her brother.  i guess she sort of knew that an eraser in the ear was not the end of the world by her standards.  

nonetheless...

we waited at the doctor's office and finally got to see dr.k.  i was proud of wyatt who answered dr.k's questions like the six-and-a-half-year-old he is.  she took one look and said, "i think i can get it!"  woohoo...no ER for us!  dr.k with the help of a nice med student got the eraser out of wyatt's ear, and let me say it was no small piece.  seriously, this kid had a hunk of eraser in his ear.

as we were leaving the doctor's office wyatt says, "you know mom it really was hurting me, but i can take it."  seriously, this kid of mine and his perspective on medical issues.

we got in the car drove home and camryn the whole time was saying she was so happy her brother was okay, that she was sorry she was being selfish, and she really didn't want him to have to go to ucla.

here's the irony...wyatt asked if dr.k couldn't see him could he go to ucla and see dr.m (camryn's oncologist) because dr.m takes great care of camryn and she had leukemia so he can take care of him.  seriously?

sometimes i just smile at my children's perspective on life...no medical issue seems all that serious.  that is unless it warrants a trip to ucla.  i guess ucla means it is bad, really bad...but, yet my children find extreme comfort there.

well, tragedy avoided...all is okay.  and i was thankful that once again we were taken sweet care of by dr.k.  love her.

so, it was the one where wyatt got an eraser stuck in his ear. ;)

may...

life seems to be passing me by at a frantic pace...honestly, i'm not sure where are days are going, but when i look at the calendar they are surely going somewhere.

here's a bullet list update on life:

* wyatt's been playing baseball and doing really well, he loves it!  he mostly plays second base which is his favorite, as he told one of his coaches, "i like playing second, it has more action!"  ha!  he's enjoying it immensely, and for being the youngest on his team (and by far the littlest) he is holding his own and doing really well.  we are so proud of him!  he also has been involved with the kids choir at church.  at first he refused to be a part of the program, but with some urging from his sister and his cousin he decided to join the fun.  he sang in the choir and did great, so proud of him for doing something completely outside his comfort zone!  far as school he is doing fantastic!  first grade has been a terrific year for him and he has grown so much it's amazing.  he is very excited this week as it's open house and his class has baby chicks...fun times in 1st grade.  he also graduated from speech therapy this past week...yay!  he has mastered his "R" sound and is doing really well, so thankful he did so well with ms. pat...what a blessing!  wyatt has been doing lots and lots these days...but, really we just so enjoy our boy and his love of life.  he's a treasure.

* camryn is doing super well!  health wise she is doing great, holding her own and just living life as a normal 9 year old would...it's a blessing for sure.  she fights some sinus issues, but that's always been an issue.  really, for all that could be we are so thankful for her daily health and life...a gift beyond measure.  she auditioned for a speaking part in the kids musical at church, she got the part of rachel and has thoroughly enjoyed it!  we've been hard pressed to find something for camryn to do, and excel at...physical stuff isn't such her strength so this seemed to be a great fit.  the performance was this weekend and she did GREAT!!  she knew her lines, sang her songs, and just did so well...really, she's an artsy fartsy for sure!  we are going to look into a drama performing arts camp this summer...it's something she loves and it fits her well.  school has been going really well, she made honor roll 3rd quarter!  woohoo!  we were so proud!  when camryn's doctors told us to watch and see if we notice any delays or learning issues we are happy to say nope...she excels at school and does her best.  at times i have stop and just watch her on the playground or walking with her friends, camryn's living the life she's always longed for to the fullest!  we love our girl so incredibly much, so grateful for her.

* jason is working hard these days, only a few more weeks of school and then he'll be on vacation!  this year has gone quickly, but not without lausd drama.  we are thankful for his job, but sometimes we could do without all the drama that swirls around.  he's started playing men's softball again, an every year tradition...his friday nights will be at the field. he stepped in to the manager job for wyatt's team...long story short jason is the head coach.  it doesn't seem like a lot, but really 2 practices and 2 games a week make for a very busy week for him and wy...but the time they spend together is priceless.  i love watching them...it does my heart well to watch jay take such great care of his wy guy.  

* i'm busily finishing up graduate school...june 15th is the day!  woohoo...i can feel it coming, and i cannot wait.  there are four weeks left in my teaching life and it's going well...thankful for my students for another year has come and gone and i've learned much from them.  i spend a lot of time taxiing kids around and trying to get laundry done in time for the next event.  i wouldn't have it any other way...my life is full, very full.  i am thankful for all that the lord keeps reminding me of and all that he teaches me daily.  i am grateful for summer coming and a time to take a break and enjoy the lazy days.  life is busy...but, i savor the moments when it's still and quiet!

all in all us four mikels are doing well...

ready to start the countdown until school's out!!!