Today I am tired...just overwhelmed by all that lies ahead and yet trying to take it day by day.
Camryn finished up her second week of arsenic today and she is doing really well...our daily visits to the procedure center are going well, the EKGs are going well...her blood counts are doing well...all in all Camryn is doing alright. Her leg pain has subsided quite a bit...which is a praise, she is walking more and more and complaining of less and less pain. She is making progress and it appears to be in a positive direction.
Although today her white count was low...Wyatt has been sick so it's likely that Camryn might come down with a bug too. This isn't unusual for siblings to share sickness, but Camryn's system is fragile so please pray that she can be protected and not get too sick. No fevers...that's what we need.
Wyatt has done well this week with the newer schedule...he enjoys his mornings with Papa & Grandma and his afternoons with Mommy. It has been a lot of fun getting to spend more time with Wyatt and just being with him...he truly brings a smile to my face and I thank the Lord daily for him.
I think a lot of feelings are finally just catching up with me...feelings that are bound to come...I've done this before, I know. Feelings that make you feel so helpless...and yet, there are people more than willing to help. People who are willing to do whatever we need...I appreciate it, but honestly I don't know what we need. I mean...I can't put it into words.
Today I went by work to see people, talk to my sub and tidy up a few loose ends that I left when my world abruptly changed...it was hard. Hard to answer the same questions...hard to by real and yet strong...hard to realize that my students are still mine with a new teacher...hard to realize that I have to let go.
It is catching up with me that I have to let go of so many things...my hopes of our non-isolated future...my dreams of kindergarten...my ideas of summer plans...my hopes of returning to some sort of normal...yes, all of those things have shifted dramatically and it's hard to explain.
We were just starting to settle into a non-isolated world...starting to venture out again and really "be" in the world. And now we are isolated again...making plans to be where kids aren't. Trying to avoid as many people as possible, not because we don't want to see them; but simply we can't. Our world was getting bigger and now it's so much smaller...
I won't lie I had big dreams for Camryn going to kindergarten...thoughts of her first day riding to school with me. For the first time we'd spend days at the same place...watching her enjoy "normal" school life...oh my heart had big dreams. Those are gone now...I know someday she will go to school, but for now I know she will have to be home schooled and that normal kindergarten will never be.
As a teacher summer is always a time of year I look forward to...Jason and I usually make plans for day trips, mini-vacations and such. Well, this year that's not to be...no trips to Disneyland...no annual trip to Morro Bay...no we were starting to work out some details and now that seems so futile now.
Normal is alluding me again...and all of the thoughts of what is to come and the anxious feeling...you know all of it is weighing heavy tonight. I feel as though there are so many things that have changed...and again I'm trying to define what our life is now.
But maybe all that doesn't matter...maybe what matters is today. Today Camryn did well...Wyatt is getting over his cold...Jason came home from work...and I am okay. Maybe that's all it needs to be for today...
Yes, if I get too far ahead of myself it all just catches up with me and I feel overwhelmed...
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
~ Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
I guess my heart needs to rest...just rest.
7 comments:
You are such a strong person and Cam and Wy are sooo lucky to have you as their mommy! Love you! Miss you!
My heart aches and the tears flow as I read your words. I know how hard it is for "normal" to be gone and for things to change in an instant. And I am so sorry you have to go through this for a second time. I wish we lived close to each other, but know that we will be walking this journey with you. I know how you're feeling. Although different, I know the ups and downs and fears that you feel. I know how horrible it is to see your little girl walk down this road and so badly wanting to take it from her. I fell asleep last night praying for Camryn and Abbey and I truly have a peace that they are going to be just fine. That they are going to be amazing women with amazing faith and oh to think of the ways that God will use them in others lives after all they've been through at such young ages. And for Camryn to see your amazing faith, even through the hardest of times. Most kids never see their parents like that and talk about seeing first hand what it means to fully trust in the Lord. These girls will be special forever because of it. Take it one day at a time and know that you are being prayed for and thought of continually.
I follow your blog and am praying for your sweet family. My heart breaks for your precious daughter. We love the Lord too and could not get through life without Him. So glad to see He is your Rock too! You are a gifted writer, I feel like I am reading a book when I read your blog. Such emotion, passion and love in your words. Thanks for sharing your life with others.
Praying for you. For the rest your heart and mind need. Prayer for protection for Camryn so that she will not get the cold Wyatt has. Prayer for healing for Camryn. And prayer for strength for all of you. Thank you for sharing your world in such a raw and beautiful way.
I just want you to know that I've stumbled along your blog...and I will pray unceasingly for your daughter.
God is good.
Dear Dana & family
So touched to read of your faith... praying that you will be able to keep on keeping on!
David's psalm from the desert is so wonderful...
"Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63:7-8
Praying for that protection from the bugs!
In the lovely Saviour
Tom & Donna Drion
Dana, the faith and love of your family is a testament to so many that you don't even know about, not to mention those of us you do. Prayers are continually being lifted on your behalf by so many of the greatest prayer warriors I know. I am thankful that Camryn is finding relief at home in every way that she is. I will continue to pray for the rest you'll need in the next couple of weeks that will then usher you into the weeks to follow with a renewed strength, peace and comfort in Him. Stay strong darlin... I know in the loss of "normal" God has a great capacity to give exceptional blessings as well... Much love and many hugs...
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