three years...

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank

Three years ago today our lives were forever changed by one fateful word...

leukemia

In looking back on our three year journey I cannot help but remember what it was like the day it all began. Our minds are forever etched with the emotions, feelings and thoughts of that first day...the first day.

I vividly remember riding in the ambulance with Camryn as she was transferred from Huntington to Cedars - Sinai...I remember just staring at her tiny little body strapped down on the gurney...I remember thoughts flooding my head that this cannot be real...What was happening?

Over and over I've played that first day through my mind...that was the last day that I saw Camryn's blond hair without even thinking about it, for in about a month it would be gone. I remember speaking the word leukemia out loud and wondering how in the world it came to this? Chemotherapy, PICC lines, bone marrow aspirations, anesthesia...you name it, these became the words that flooded our days. No longer making play dates with friends...we now we learning the routine of hospital life. So much changed in that first day...

Today we stand three years past that day and so many things have changed...Camryn is leukemia free...PICC line free...Central line free...Medicine free...she is free.

Camryn is free from the realities that held her for so long...she is no longer in isolation, she can live...live the life that for most of the past three years was paused. I would love to say that all the baggage of the past three years is behind us, but that simply is not the case. We still battle over things that most parents don't give a second thought to. We go to UCLA for clinic about every other month now, but we still have blood draws and we still love to hear Cam's numbers. Yes, we know more about the medical field than I ever thought possible.

I believe it is now three years later that we as a family are fully beginning to unpack our lives. The fears, concerns, anxiety, joys, sorrows, trust...the roller coaster of emotions never seems too far away. Camryn's life was hit by a trauma that has left her afraid...yes for so long she didn't know better. She went through the motions because this is what she's always known. Well, now life is broad and she realizes that her's in not a completely normal life. Why does she have to go to UCLA and have a blood draw if she is not sick anymore? Try finding an answer that suffices for a 4 year old. There isn't one. But, we continue to believe that the Lord is in this...

On one of our first evenings at Cedars I was alone with Camryn in her room. Jason had gone to walk my family out and get some things out of the car that they had brought. As I sat there and watched her sleep in her crib (that looked more like a cage)...tears streamed down my face. Lord, where are you? Lord, please come...please hold us now as we have no idea what the future holds.

And in that twilight moment with the room dark and the only real light coming under the door and off the IV pole...the peace came...

I love her...know and believe that I created her and I love her...I did not do this...Your world is fallen, broken and my innocent ones pay a price...I love her more than you do and I will hold her in my arms throughout this...Believe me, she was mine before she was ever yours...I gave her as a gift...hold her loosely and believe...Believe in me.

A few seconds later two of my girls that I coached came in...and throughout that conversation and countless more the Lord revealed Himself. He made Himself clear...even through the tears...

I do not pretend to understand and I honestly cannot say I am okay with all that Camryn's body endured, but I do know that the Lord is bigger than all of it. He held her then and He holds her now...three years later and that hasn't changed.

So much has changed and yet one thing remains...He created something beautiful...out of our misery something beautiful was made. Would I have chosen this path that started three years ago today? Absolutely not. But, I have to trust that the One who holds the universe in the palm of His hand is big enough to hold my questions, fears, anxiety...He is big enough.

I will choose today to hold on to that, even three years later when I am brought to tears...yet I will choose to believe what He gave me so long ago...

He Loves Her.