provision

Three years ago today Jason and I went to Dr. H's office to hear the words "congratulations...a baby is on it's way." Oh how my heart had leaped with joy as a few months earlier I had lost our second baby at 12 weeks. Another baby...

I can still remember the smile on mine and Jason's faces as we walked out of Dr. H's office to the car and we just sat there...not knowing if we could truly be excited yet. We decided we would wait to officially tell anyone for awhile...sitting on that kind of news is hard. But, we did it.

A few days later those feelings of joy were shattered as we learned that Camryn had leukemia. How do you celebrate a new life while clinging to the child you already had? I struggled for a very long time not knowing how to truly be excited for the new baby...we spent many a day not knowing where the future was taking us with Camryn and I just could not get myself to plan, think or even prepare for the new little one.

Throughout the 9 months the baby and I existed together and I must say the baby was an easy one...didn't really make too many waves for me. In the quietness of the night when Camryn had finally fallen asleep and the IV's were not beeping I found myself thinking, dreaming, hoping for this new little one. I felt as though we had a bond although I felt that I was a completely horrible pregnant woman as I was doing all the things you probably shouldn't do...I mean I ate hospital food for almost 9 months off and on and slept on an air mattress on the floor...yeah, not the ideal situation.

Yet...the provision. The Lord always seemed to step in at the right time and give me the strength necessary to care for my little girl and carry the new little one. I won't lie there was a heap of guilt for not celebrating the new baby...not chatting about him or her to everyone. No most days conversation centered around medications, trips to the play room, antibiotics, leukemia...and more. A new baby was not on the top 10 list of things to be discussed...in time.

In time...when Camryn relapsed and it became clear that there were no other options but a BMT I felt the bottom of my heart just collapse. Lord, I can't...I don't know who to take another step. When Camryn's doctor wanted to see if the baby was a match I just felt my heart sink further...an amnioscentisis. I was scared to death...what if? What if I went into labor early? What if something happened? Lord, how do I do this?

Provision...step by step the pieces of the puzzle came together and step by step I realized that the puzzle was far bigger than me. Doctors were doing things totally unexpected, nurses were filling roles they did not have too, friends were more than friends...people were being Jesus to us...people were providing in ways that leave me speechless still.

After the word came that the baby was a perfect match; Camryn began to really take a turn for the worse...and I spent hour after hour rocking her as she hugged my belly. It's as if she knew...she knew that the baby was her miracle. The baby was more than a baby...Camryn hugged my belly day after day as arsenic ran through her veins and we prayed...we prayed that the last resort would work. Lord please...

The provision...three years ago day I had no idea what the next 9 months would hold. How could I? But, I spent many a day holding on to what I did know to be true. The Lord was in this...He was. Even though I struggle to see Him, even though His timing made me struggle...His plan was much higher than mine.

Wyatt Jason Mikels...the Lord provides.

Wyatt,

I wish I could properly express to you all that you mean to your Daddy and me. You are more than our son...you are a daily reminder that the Lord provides in ways totally unexpected. That the Lord's plan is so incredibly different than our own. That you came into our lives when all we had left was a glimmer of hope and you my sweet one far exceeded any glimmer...you shown so brightly. You entrance into this world was full of meaning...you came quietly, quickly and yet ever so loudly. You presence seemed to pronounce to us all..."I am not finished yet...trust me...believe me...and remember, remember how far I have brought you."

Thank you Wy...for always being that reminder to me. Thank you for retelling the story for Mommy's heart over and over...remember where I brought you from and where I am taking you.

I love you with my heart,

Mommy

And who knows but that you have come...for such a time as this. ~ Esther 4:14