day +5...emotional

We are two days away from a week since transplant, crazy how quickly time goes and yet how slowly...truly a paradox. One minute I cannot even fathom that we are five days post-transplant and the next minute I feel like it was years ago. Maybe because the first transplant was years ago and I find myself daily thinking, remembering, reliving those days...in light of these days. Sometimes it's hard to separate the two.

Today has been a bit emotional, maybe it's the fact that both Jason and I are battling headaches and just tired so our emotions are running a little on edge...really there probably are a million reasons why.

Wyatt had a really rough time going to bed last night, he cried and cried as he misses his best friend. It's hard to know how to comfort him and help him understand...I feel like we are doing the best we can, but sometimes it just does not feel good enough. As Wyatt and I were getting ready this morning he was struggling some more...I don't blame him. His little world has been turned upside down...he never gets to be with his family together outside of a hospital room. His sister isn't home playing with him, loving on him and being his best friend...no she's far away to him. As I dropped Wyatt off at my parent's house he did okay, wasn't thrilled but did okay...my heart is heavy for Wyatt. People keep telling me he won't remember...but, it's hard to rationalize all of that in our hearts. I told myself the same thing two-and-a-half years ago and I'm finding that my heart is having a hard time really believing it.

Camryn continues to be about the same...struggling with her throat and mouth sores. I have noticed that she is pushing her pain button less and less...maybe she's starting to feel better? Not sure. Currently she is still fever free which is wonderful...we pray this continues. As of right now Camryn's doctors are very pleased with how she is doing...she continues to do what they expect. We keep praying that Wyatt's juice continues to work and work quickly!

We gave Camryn her daily bath and line change today...her hair has begun falling out and I won't lie it is difficult. Jason and I knew this was inevitable, but it hurts nonetheless. I decided to try to wash it today as it was a mess. We gently washed it as best we could, but due to the combination of falling out and being knotted up by laying in bed it proved to be very difficult. I swallowed hard and asked Jason if we should just cut it...it's falling out at a rapid rate and maybe it would be easier if it were shorter? Jason went to ask Barb a nurse who is now our friend for advice and scissors...he came back with scissors in hand. And I went on to cut my little girl's hair...with tears streaming down my face. I sobbed as Jason put his arm around me...and just held me.

Camryn unlike me did fine...she took it as she does almost everything, just in stride. She knew her hair would fall out...but, she also knows it will come back in time. We have pictures hanging in our home of Camryn without hair and Camryn with her hair growing back...she knows it will be okay.

I guess for me it just is a visual I am not quite ready for...it's hard for a parent of a child with cancer because their beautiful bald heads give them away and sometimes people aren't very gentle with their comments. I guess as much as Camryn's hair meant for me that she was better...her bald little head means she is sick and it hurts.

Although I will say that Camryn is BEAUTIFUL...absolutely beautiful.

With every passing day we are one day closer to the day of engraftment...one day closer to those white cells coming in...one day closer...

Closer to Camryn feeling better.

Thank you for praying for us...for praying for Camryn, Wyatt and us. We are holding up alright, day by day.

Again...

He will never let go...

Trusting, believing and hoping in that today, tomorrow and the days to come.