day +10...easier?

You know I thought last week was going to be hard, but there's a gut feeling I cannot seem to shake that says this week is going to be hard too...I guess there really is no easy, easier or easiest in this war we are fighting.

Camryn and Wyatt had a very nice day together. Camryn was much more up for playing and messing around than the last time Wyatt was here, so that was fun for them. They played and teased and acted very much the sister and brother they are...it was cute. Although I will say that maneuvering her pole and lines makes it a little rough; but they do the best they can. Cam got very quiet when it came time for Daddy and Wyatt to leave...it just hurts her to not be home. To watch them walk out the door and want to go so badly and really not understand why.

You know it's almost as if Camryn is really experiencing isolation this time...when she was 2, she knew nothing different really. She got leukemia when she was 22 months old and what almost two year old really remembers life before? So for her first transplant really all she knew was hospitals and doctors...family came to visit...friends wasn't developmentally there...church nope, just play time. Camryn didn't know what she was missing...

And this time around...

She knows exactly what she is missing and it hurts her.

Tonight as I sit here waiting for her shot to come...while she is fast asleep wishing I could just tell them to forget about it, but I can't. I don't want to wake her with screaming...but, this is her life for now. This is not normal five year old life.

I think the weariness is beginning to take it's toll on all of us...the novelty of it all is wearing off. Tomorrow marks three weeks here and as much as I'd like to think we're half way there...I can't let my heart go there. Maybe once I see counts...but right now it honestly feels like the biggest, baddest, scariest hurdle is in front of us and all of us are tired.

Camryn did have a wonderful day...so I'm holding on to that while trying not to burst into tears over the last few hours. She was really tired, but fighting, forcing and trying to patiently deal with her is just emotionally draining. I finally got her to take her med/water combo and about 3 minutes later she threw it all back up...how's that for positive reinforcement? She did it...and then felt awful. As much as I just wanted to cry and grab her and run away I knew I can't and won't...this is where healing is happening even if it is ever so slow. There are some counts there .13 to be exact and that's an improvement from yesterday, so we are encouraged. We'd like to see a doubling of that tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...until we see those magic ANC numbers coming. And the magic ANC number? 500.

And all the while we wait for those numbers we watch for signs of GVH which should gradually increase as numbers increase...so today we were on alert for rashes. And that should be our first sign...there is also a strong possibility that an "engraftment fever" might come. Well, I'm praying it doesn't...Camryn has done so well thus far with fevers. Just praying...

All in all this journey while it is going *well* isn't easy and it doesn't really get easy...I told Jason last night that I think the first time through transplant I was so naive...fully believed that we would get through, kill the leukemia, be in isolation (which would be hard, but wouldn't last forever) and our lives would move on. That it would only be a bump, all be it a huge bump; but a bump in the road. Well, this time it's completely different. The word relapse hangs in the air, the air is a lot thicker and it's hard to catch a deep breath. Everything feels heavier...and it's not easier.

And it drives me to the feet of my Savior...to cry out to Him for it's only Him that can heal, restore, mend. Through my tears I find that there's not much more to say than...

Savior...

Hold us, Lead us, Mend us, Mold us...continually reveal yourself to us. Cause us to rejoice in the good and release the bad. To hold loosely the gifts of each day knowing that each day is a gift in and of itself. Never asking for more than You, for in you it is enough.

Jesus you have carried me
When I could not stand
Jesus you have carried me
It's all been part of your plan

Jesus you have carried me
It's your footprints in the sand
Jesus you have carried me
It was always in your hands

~ Jeremy Camp

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a HUGE thank you for all who donated today...there were over 50 people who came out to support our family and Camryn. My heart just smiles knowing the love being out poured for Camryn.

Thank you!

Also, quite a few of you have left comments asking where you can send things for us...if you would like email (jdcmikels@yahoo.com) me and I can get you the information. I'm sorry I haven't been the best about returning comments...my time is divided and it's hard for me to catch up! But, thank you faithful readers and even more so faithful prayer warriors!

Good - night to another day...