day +20...He's here

Today started out a bit rocky...I wasn't feeling all that well, guess sleeping in the chair/bed will do that to a person, Camryn's doctors came in early and really had nothing new to report. I had noticed that our night nurse had left a copy of Camryn's labs on the table and I paused to look...white counts...1.15. Well, I was thankful it's an improvement on yesterday and that was good...her hemoglobin was holding well and that was good...platelets up which was good. But, the ANC was not back yet...and because her counts came up a little I did not expect much of a change. Another day at 100...sigh.

I found myself really sad, just really wanting something to give Camryn to show her that she is getting better. That all of this is for something...but a week at 100 had gotten to us. I texted Jason and just said that I was sad...nothing new and Dr. S said, "we've still got a long ways to go."

I think the most maddening thing about hospital life is that timetables are out the window...there is no for sures...no definite answers. Lots of waiting without explainations. So another day of waiting...

I laid back on the chair/bed and just prayed...not for big numbers, but rather for encouragement today. Maybe social visits from some of Camryn's lead doctors, maybe just a really good day for Camryn...I don't know, but I just prayed that in some way HE would hold us and show me that He is I AM and I am not.

Jason arrived and Camryn was thrilled to see Daddy...we settled in and decided to do Camryn's bath in the morning as Grandma was coming to visit and we didn't want to interrupt playtime with Grandma. As we were working on Camryn's bath Grandma arrived and the echocardigram technician who informed us that an echo of Camryn's heart had been ordered, mostly to check on her blood clot. Camryn did great and survived the echo just fine...the tech informally told us that the clot was still there, but they would have to compare it to Camryn's pass echos to see if the clot has grown or gotten smaller. No word yet, but it's only been a month on Lovenox so we are not anticipating it to be completely gone, just not getting any bigger.

At this point the day was moving along...I had wanted to ask about the ANC, but I honestly didn't want to hear 100 again. Jason went and asked and in a few minutes our nurse came in with the labs sheets with a smile...ANC 200! YAY!!!

After all the events of the morning Camryn and Grandma settled in to their playing...Barbies, paper dolls, all sorts of other fun things. While they played Jason and I headed out to lunch...this is our "us" time throughout this process. Sometimes lunch is merely an activity to get food, because we do have to eat; but some days it is our "us" time. Time to reconnect, time to just catch up...many people have asked how Jason and I are doing. I won't lie, going through a child in the hospital is wearing on a marriage...one here, one there...communication, time, moods...oh the list goes on of the things that a husband and wife have to navigate through. Today, Jason and I spent some very nice time together...talking about more than the moment right in front of us. We talked about things that are ours...what we like, we laughed, I cried...it was wonderful. As we walked back to the hospital I felt a bit more hopeful...that throughout this journey we would be okay. That HE would hold us...because HE is.

As we were walking in to the Hemoc hallway Dr. A was there...we smiled and in a few moments he came in to see us. A social visit it's called...just checking in. It was wonderful to see Dr. A. He is beyond a doubt a positive doctor...it was wonderful. Dr.A talked about Camryn's levels taking a look at things...he assured us that Camryn was doing well and felt that maybe a reason that her ANC isn't coming up too quickly is that her neutrophils are out in her body "healing" whether it's Camryn's throat, sinus infection or whatever...that the cells are there, just not waiting around to be counted. How encouraging...because we feel that Camryn is getting better, but not seeing numbers makes it hard to keep waiting. We talked about the steps necessary to go home and Dr.A felt once the counts come then we'd be on our way. He was pleased about the weaning of the IV nutrition and the change to twice a day cyclosporin...all steps in the right direction.

**Deep Breath** It was wonderful to see Dr. A...absolutely wonderful.

When Dr.A left we felt a lot more encouraged that Camryn is making progress and she is doing well...hard sometimes to always believe that when the numbers aren't quite there.

About thirty minutes later the door opens and it's Dr.K. **Smile** I love Dr.K...I've mentioned it before, but Dr.K has been with us since the beginning, February of 2006. So I always have valued Dr.K's opinion and take on things...and beyond everything I love that Dr.K loves Camryn. We chatted for awhile and she assured us that Camryn is doing well, she was very encouraged. Gave us some encouragement too...told us to be hopeful and keep believing that she is doing well. Dr. K said maybe next week home could be possible if numbers come this week...

Numbers...

You know as much as I want to be out of this place...just because it is incredibly hard to "live" in the hospital, I know that for now this is where Camryn's needs to be. I am hopeful...that maybe in a few days we'll see some more increases and maybe just maybe next week might be a possibility. Afterall 5 days in hospital world is a lot!

Jason left and Camryn spent some time playing with Hilary which was wonderful...it's wonderful to have someone else interact with Camryn. She enjoyed her time with Hilary very much. After Hilary, Vanya the music therapist came in...and Camryn had lots of fun listening and singing songs with Vanya.

What a very full day...

And HE was here, HE is here...

As I was saying bye to Jason he said that He prayed about this today...that in some way we'd see the doctors we need to. The doctors who would encourage us...

And we did. How great it was!

I know that this doesn't mean that tomorrow numbers will just jump up, but i do know that in the midst of everything He met us today...Jesus met us.

He was here...He made Himself known...

That He is I AM...He is everything that we need Him to be.

And tomorrow, He will be the same.