day +19...i am not

Tuesday is slowly coming to an end...another day down. Camryn had a good day today as her most favorite person in the world came to visit...Wyatt. No one can put a smile on her face like he can...honestly, he seems to bring a smile, laughter and just a ray of sunshine into Camryn's world. Today was spent enjoying time together and just being...sometimes I think Camryn just wants Wyatt here. She just wants him here with her...not necessarily doing everything with her, just to be here. It brings her comfort...brings her a sense of home...home.

Well, I wish I could report today that we saw significant jumps in Camryn's numbers; but we didn't. In fact her white count went from 1.09 to 1.07, nothing alarming or problematic. Just means we wait some more. Camryn's ANC is still at 100...which is okay. Everyone keeps assuring us that this is all normal, that every child is different and that Camryn is doing well. We are just waiting...

As hard as it is to wait, and believe me it's hard. When Camryn is feeling as well as she is feeling it is hard to rationalize with her that she needs to be here...we try to do our best. Trying to encourage her to eat, drink and take the baby steps necessary to show the doctors that she is ready to go home once her counts and such are ready. Today Camryn did much better eating, she is not at least trying more and starting to request certain items...all great steps in the right direction. Also, we got Camryn to drink 2 juice boxes...as the doctors have cut back her IV fluids it is important that she start drinking on her own. We are thankful that things are going well.

Because we know all to well that things don't always go well...actually today on the way back from Ralph's Jason and I were chatting about waiting and how hard it is. And as we talked we realized that as hard as the waiting is, it could be so much harder. We could be battling fevers, infections, all sorts of things...but, we aren't. And we are praying that we don't...that we just wait for counts.

And as we spend lots and lots of hours in the hospital I am reading a lot...honestly, all sorts of things. But last night I started to go back to a book I started a few weeks ago...and then today I was reading it again...

I Am Not But I Know I Am by Louie Giglio

As I was reading today the words jumped off the page...

And in the days to come, when you're questioning, needing, searching, wondering, asking, and struggling, you will find His sufficiency at the end of every desperate prayer. When you cry out all the things that you are not, you'll know His answer is, "I AM."

For every cry, there is one answer:

I need help
I AM.

I need hope,
I AM.

Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out?
I AM.

What works?
I AM.

What lasts?
I AM.

What's the latest thing?
I AM.

What's the hippest thing?
I AM.

I need a fresh start,
I AM.

I need a bigger story,
I AM.

My vision is bigger than my resources
I AM.

Nothing's real anymore,
I AM.

Who can I trust?
I AM.

I'm not sure who's on my team.
I AM.

Nobody's listening to me.
I AM.

I don't have a prayer.
I AM.

My marriage is sinking and I don't know where to turn,
I AM.

I can't hold on.
I AM.

My kids deserve more,
I AM.

I'm pouring into other, who's pouring into me?
I AM.

If we fail, who will get the job done?
I AM.

I'm not sure why I'm here,
I AM.

I've given all I can give and it's not enough,
I AM.

I'm tired.
I AM.

I quit!
I AM.

I can't!
I AM.

I need a drink.
I AM.

I need a fix,
I AM.

I need a lover,
I AM.

Somebody just hold me.
I AM.

And what does this great I AM say of Himself? he says to you and to me: "I am the way, I am the truth, and I am the life. I am the resurrection and the life. I am Savior. I am Jesus - the solution, the restorer, the builder, the answer, the Wise One, the Coming One, the Mighty One. I am the Lord and there is no other. I am God and there is none besides Me. I am the First and the Last. I am the Alpha and Omega. I am the Beginning and the End. I am the Lord, that is My name, and I will not give My glory to another, or any of My praise to idols. I AM THAT I AM, and that is My name - My memorial name to ever single generation."

And in light of all that I AM is I realize that I am not...

I am not the one who can change the days to make them go faster, nor am I the one who can make Camryn's labs jump. I am not the one who can erase leukemia from my family's life, nor am I the one who can fix all of this. I am not the one who wrote my children's stories, nor am I the one whose they are.

I am not, but praise the Lord that He made the way possible for me to know I AM...

Jesus...there is no greater word (as David Crowder Band says).

No greater word...