losses and gains

Tuesdays...

Jason and I had decided for the summer to take turns taking Camryn to clinic so that one of us can stay home and enjoy time with Wyatt...plus, it's just a nice break to change it up a bit.

Jason and Camryn headed out to clinic early this morning...we had thought this would be a longer day as to our knowledge Camryn was scheduled to have IVIG (immunoglobulins...antibodies) and that takes a few hours. After talking with Dr.M we found out that Camryn is not going to be getting IVIG and the reason she had been getting IVIG was due to a slight cold she had going into transplant and after. So that was welcomed news as it would be a quick clinic visit *hopefully*. Dr.M is very pleased with Camryn's progress and is hopeful she'll continue. Camryn's labs were not back yet and if she needed blood or platelets that would mean a transfusion. Jason and Camryn waited a bit and when her labs came back they looked...fabulous!

Camryn's white count is up to 1.62 and her ANC is at 600...hemoglobin at 9.5...platelets at 80,000. All great numbers for a transplant patient at day +32. Jason and Cam ran over to the pharmacy to pick up her Lovenox and then some other supplies. All in all it was a great trip.

While Jason was with Camryn, Wyatt and I headed out bright and early for a couple errands and then home to spend the morning with Auntie Dede. Wy and I enjoyed our time chatting very much...and as an added bonus Camryn got home in time to see Dede too and boy was she excited. Cam chatted with Dede on the couch and got as close as she possibly could...it was darling! So thankful Dede and Robby visited, but we sure missed Riley...can't wait until Camryn's cleared to enjoy time with her cousins as she misses them.

The rest of the day was pretty low key...Dr.A called to report on Camryn's cyclosporin level and they dropped her dose. And asked if it was possible for us to bring Camryn in on Friday *just* for labs...of course...we are to the point when we follow doctors request/orders. Then Dr.M called and dropped Camryn's dose even more as they want Camryn's level to be within theraputic range and currently it is too high. Not a huge problem, but too much can be hard on the kidneys and doesn't allow for any GVH. Well, we want her kidneys to stay healthy and we want *some* GVH so a lower dose is great with us.

Pretty much things are going well...

Medically speaking Camryn's doing well and at the heart of things we couldn't ask for more, but isolation is hard. There really is no way to sugar coat it, it's rough having your life change so drastically and having things just not be the same. And you know I'm not sure we want the sameness back. Or rather if we just want to feel like we are moving on...past cancer.

But reality is that cancer moves with us...it doesn't have the spotlight, but it's there. The aftermath is there. We live very simple lives now...and really that's proably a good thing. We are more sensitive to the world around us...we want to help, we need to help, we desire to do something with life. Isolation is hard...so many relationships take a beating throughout isolation. You find that the circles you once moved in are much smaller than before. You find that you have much more in common with people in your cancer world...or even your broken world than you once did. You find yourself wondering what will be when you return? Will it be the same? And yet you know...it won't. Because you've done this before.

So instead of focusing on the isolation and the losses...you try with all your might to focus on the gains. And really it's as simple as life. We've gained life...each day given is a gift and we cherish it. Things aren't always neat and tidy and that's okay. Our relationship with the Lord ebbs and flows and that's okay. The Lord is shaping, molding, changing us into the people He longs for us to be. He is our gain...We are gaining more of Him.

And gaining more takes time...we find that in our relationship we are learning more and more of Him. He is God so there is lots to be learned...He is big and we are small...He is crazy about us and we are learning to be crazy about Him. To live life full...full of Him. And some days are easier than others.

It's just that way...

As I was watching Sportscenter last night with my husband, and if you know me well you know that it wasn't painful as Sportscenter is one of my favorite shows. I know...crazy. Anyways, Sportscenter is doing their yearly special on My Wish in partnership with the Make A Wish Foundation...well, it brought me to tears. They are do...but last night the young man was just amazing. And as I sat crying the narrator was telling the story and he said..."he lost one year of his life. a year never to be regained". How true...

We will never regain this year...there will be losses along the way, there already have been. But, the gains...at some point the gains have to outweigh...

If they don't it would drown you...overwhelm you...and cause you to throw in the towel...

But getting to that point takes time...

So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. ~ 2 Cor. 16 - 18