when the tears fall...

Honestly last week hit me like a load of bricks on Sunday...I've struggled to know exactly how to put my thoughts into words exactly, and I guess sometimes I feel that I've found it and other times that the words are escaping me. Either way a ton of bricks fell and little by little I am digging my way out.

I guess it comes with the territory, but being back in the all too familiar brings back a flood of memories that are just heavy for one's heart. I have heard that smell is a strong sensory emotion and I cannot deny that. Every time we find ourselves back on the Hemoc floor the mere smell of the soap for Camryn's baths can bring me to tears. I vividly remember bathing her during her first transplant her little body; two and a half years old. So little to have to be enduring all of this. And I can vividly remember bathing her at five years old, her hair starting to fall out and thinking she is too little to have to be enduring all of this...

You see anytime we walk the hallway, anytime we pull into the parking lot, anytime we drive over the hill; simply anytime we deal with Camryn's hospital life the memories flood in and my heart sometimes just is overwhelmed.

And even in the midst of the tears I have a hard time understanding...I really do not like all of this. I wish that when Camryn got a fever I could treat it like most parents do, give her some Tylenol and wait it out. I long for a time when Camryn was like most kids I know, when she did not have these realities to live with. Yes, Camryn lives within these realities well, quite honestly I wonder just how in the world she does it. I wonder if she is just blessed with a spirit that can understand things that even I don't. I wonder if maybe the Lord just walks her through life in ways that leave me speechless...

This morning was one of those moments...

Camryn headed to clinic and even though I knew she did not want to go; did not want to be down there again after all she was just there for three days last week...she went without a fight, without a fuss and did what she does best, walked through the moment with grace. Jason headed down with Camryn as I had already missed three days of work last week and we are trying out best to even out of days missed. As they left I just felt a bit of my heart ache that this is her life...and so badly I wish this wasn't so. I wish she did not have to *deal* with all she has too...seems so unfair to me.

A little while later my phone rang and it was Jason with Camryn chatting loudly in the background...her steroids were lowered again!!! She was so excited, plus she was passing along hellos to me from the nurses and doctors she saw today. Yep, she did great at clinic and got to see her *favorites and friends*. Dr.M was pleased to see Camryn and felt that she was doing very well, he was happy that she seems to have knocked the fever, but still has a little bug left over (a cough and a watery eye). Jason asked about going to the Hemoc Christmas Party next week and Dr.M said we could make a cameo appearance for a quick bit and then leave...so we will. We will be able to say hello to everyone and hopefully see a few friends and then head home early, which lately is the way it is.

Camryn is continually doing well...GVH rash is still there ever so slightly, but not spreading or getting worse. The GVH is welcomed, as Dr.K told Camryn today, "GVH is the key for curing the leukemia." And that is a hope we are clinging to ever so tightly.

The holiday season seems to bring tears more readily than others...maybe because last year at this time we were out in the world for the first time at Christmas and it felt so good to somewhat put leukemia behind us. And now a year later we are fully immersed in the leukemia world again...funny how things change so dramatically in a year or even a day around here.

Because the tears fall...

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
but there's one thing, that I'll cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me and sustain me
my defender, forevermore

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

and I will praise You, I will praise You
when the tears fall, still I will sing to You
and I will praise You, Jesus praise You
through the suffering still I will sing

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

oh yes, You are good to me
You've always been good to me
so trustworthy

when hope is lost, I'll call You Saviour
when pain surrounds, I'll call You healer
when silence falls, You'll be the song within my heart

and I will praise You, and I will praise You
when the tears fall, still I will sing to You
(I will sing to You) I will praise You,
Jesus praise You through the suffering
still I will sing

how faithful and true
sustain me through and through
You are hope and truth
You're my spring of living water
You're my spring of living water

in the lone hour of my sorrow

who springs never fail
be faithful and true
like...
like a spring it never fails
you're my spring never fails

~ Newsboys

I almost wish that the tears would not come so often...and yet when they do they seem to provide some healing. The Lord is faithful and true even in the midst of the moments that I do not understand...

And I know there will continue to be moments throughout our journey when the only response is tears...and many times those tears are happy and thankful tears and sometimes they are confused, grasping and searching tears.

When the tears fall, I am thankful He is there to wipe them...