a very powerful thing...

A mind of a five year old is a very powerful thing. This is what we have learned over the course of the past three days.

Let me catch you up...

On Friday morning Camryn really didn't eat much breakfast which was not surprising as now with her steroid lowered; her appetite is much smaller. I gave her her 8:00 medicine as she calls her cyclosporin and about 30 minutes later she threw up. I was frustrated with myself as hindsight I knew that she had not eaten enough. We tried to get her to eat a bit more but, that was not happening. The battle was on.

Over the course of Friday, Saturday and Sunday we had moments of no problem eating and meds to horrible moments of tears, throwing up and just refusal of taking meds altogether. Yes, it was a horrible three days. Both Jason and I were racking our brains to figure out if it was truly Camryn being sick with a stomch bug or her mind. I will admit there were moments when I could swear it was her mind...and then moments when it seemed to be that she was sick. Either way by Sunday night it had gotten to the point where she was going to miss meds and there was no making them up at this point.

We made the call...the dreaded call really.

Dr.A called us back. Jason talked with him about her personality, her demeanor, her fever or lack thereof...thankfully, we did not have to rush Camryn down to the ER and were able to make an appointment at clinic today. I cannot tell you how thankful I was when we could sleep in our own beds and go to clinic today. Dr.A said we needed labs and they wanted to take a look and make sure that maybe her GVH had not gotten any worse and maybe moved into her GI system.

Jason and Camryn headed down this morning and I won't lie I was incredibly nervous.

At this point I will admit that whenever Camryn hits one of these bumps the fears, worries and frustration reign supreme. It is hard for me to stay level headed, my mind goes to that place of absolute worst...relapse. That all of these little things is a sign of something much worse. I cried many tears, I admitted to Jason some of the greatest fears I have with Camryn...I screamed at my Lord wanting so desperately to understand *why*. Quite honestly I did not have a pretty three days...

At clinic today Dr.A and Berkley saw Camryn and it was determined that she was fine. Her labs looked good, she looked good...she did get some IV fluids for dehydration for throwing up. They hung out in our all too familiar procedure center with nurses we love so much. Dr.A determined to prescribe Camryn a nausea patch; she wore one in the hospital throughout radiation and chemo. It worked great then...so he was hopeful that maybe that would help her get over her fears and eat and take her meds again.

After they finished up at procedure they went to the pharmacy in the big hospital (as Camryn calls it) to pick up the patches. While waiting they ran into on of our most favorite doctors Dr.K (she has been with us since Feb of 2006) so she knows Camryn well. Dr.K asked Jason why there were there he explained what was going on with Camryn and true to Dr.K style she sat down, put her arm around Camryn and spoke to her so sweetly. Telling her that the patch worked sort of like magic to keep you from throwing up...she was awesome. Doctors like Dr.K are so unique and special, we thank the Lord for her.

Jason called me to let me know and my heart smiled, but the fears don't just leave. I got home and Camryn was a little better, still not a 100% herself. We got her to eat a little bit of lunch and take some meds...she did ok. A little later she took more meds and did well. Ate some dinner and took the 8:00 medicine and did super! She's much more herself...playing, laughing, singing; just being herself.

This journey is a very powerful thing...life has changed dramatically. In a heartbeat it seems things could change and it is hard to live in that all the time. Never quite trusting the ground you are walking on, fearing the bottom falling out. I know I should live in the realities of the Lord's plan and I am. But some days He and I have heavy conversations of reality...of being real. Because this is real...

We are parents to a little girl that has a much longer list of issues than most and I know we are not alone. I know that the Lord is carrying us through...but that doesn't always mean it is pretty and neatly tied up in a bow. It gets messy, it gets ugly and yet it gets beautiful because of Him.

I read a quote yesterday that said something to the effect that "God is in the mix with us." And He is. He knows that struggles of my heart to make sense of all of this, to try to live in these realities that I find myself. To be a solid, steady place for Camryn and Wyatt too. To be real with this...

Because cancer is a powerful thing...but Praise Be To Jesus that He has overcome! Maybe not here and right now, but when the story ends He wins and that is a powerful thing.

Even in the moments when defeat sets in.