therapy

Anxiousness gives way to craziness...

Actually these past few days I have been partaking in therapy, not the kind you pay for; the kind you set you mind to in order to "work" some things out. My house has been my palette for therapy, seriously I am going crazy trying to clean it, organize it, just do anything I can to it inside and out.

I feel like I have to do something with all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, worries, anxiousness, etc...that build up inside of me. I have to find an outlet or quite seriously my mind might go crazy.

Today while I was driving I just teared up amazed that we really are going through transplant...really? Sometimes I see that little girl riding her bike and loving life and it kills me that there is a hell that awaits her. I want to grab her and run away and pray to God that this disease will leave her alone. I see her smile and I just want this nightmare to be over...but I know it's only really beginning.

It hurts...

I guess that's why I need therapy...but, the real therapy is what God has for me. The dialogues throughout the day...the moments when I want this whole thing to end...the tears that fall, all of it. He meets me in all of it, every single bit of it.

So my house is clean and my heart is aching; but I guess that's me finding an outlet for this heartache I feel.

Praying the Lord will continue to be with us as Monday we start another 4 weeks of arsenic treatment...but, before that that He will be with us as we celebrate Camryn's 5th birthday this Sunday with her party. Her actual birthday is on Easter...so may He allow us the grace to celebrate her life, and not worry too much about the future.

At least not too much...