heavy...

All of this is getting heavy...so heavy. I feel at times if I let it, all of this could drown me...

We spent 5 hours at clinic today. Everything was absolutely fine, it just took that long to get everything rolling and going...5 hours that were long and heartbreaking.

For 5 hours as I tried to entertain Camryn and not lose my mind with the fact that we were sitting in clinic; I watched countless children and families come and go...

For 5 hours I saw looks of despair, relief and a million other emotions. A young teenage girl walking back to her curtain area with tears streaming down her face as the arm of her doctor was wrapped around her. Parents of a two and a half month old excited that their little one didn't have to have another shot until October. A young boy who has lost part of one arm trying to manuever a tray so he can play with his mini skateboards. A young mom of a little one who is screaming uncontrollably as the nurse is accessing the little one's line. A family as they listened to the doctors explain new meds and procedures. A little girl who wandered over to Camryn's curtain area to say hi, while she waited for her blood transfusion. Another teenage girl who we first saw on the day of Camryn's relapse who was walking and talking, but today she was slumped over in her wheelchair.

Yes, it is just heavy...

The in house school coordinator stopped by to give me kindergarten summer work just to give Camryn something to do and also begin to prep her for kindergarten. As Camryn flipped through the workbooks she innocently asked if they use these books at the Big Village where she is going to kindergarten.

Or the conversation last night between Camryn and her cousin James about going to school together so they can play on the playground and Camryn asking me when she starts at the Big Village. All the while James telling her excitedly that they will be friends at school and they will be together.

Yes, it's simply heavy...

Wondering how all of this came to be again...wonderings that have no answers, but still my mind and heart wonder. I know there are no good answers, at least none that make sense to me...but, I wonder where all of this leads...

And it's all weighing heavy tonight.