realizations

I am beginning to realize that this is only really the beginning...

The realities of what Camryn is facing, what we as a family are facing are long...very long. There is just no quick way to do things...things are not entirely simple...things are not entirely easy. They just are.

I am beginning to realize that nothing is really a given...

Today Camryn had her normal, routine EKG which she has twice a week and so far they have been fine...that wasn't the case today. Camryn did great getting her EKG and was a trooper through it...when the lab tech handed me the copy for the doctors my heart sank. Even to my untrained non-medical eye I knew that it wasn't a good EKG. So we headed upstairs...heart heavy wondering what this will mean? Will they DC her arsenic? Will they adjust the dose? Is her heart really in trouble?

Her doctors took one look at the EKG and sent us back to the lab for another one. Maybe it was a bad read? So, we went...and thankfully the second EKG was much better. And her arsenic ran as normal. Dr.M decided to have the cardiologists review Camryn's EKGs and determine if adjustments need to be made in her arsenic dosage.

All in all she had a good day at clinic, after we got through the little unexpected bump in the road.

I am beginning to see that we are not in the minority...

On any given day at UCLA there are many children coming for treatment and after you become a regular you realize that you are not alone. That really there is not minority...there are too many children fighting for survival. Too many children having to endure things that are unthinkable...too many. Today at clinic the procedure center was full and they were double booked on children receiving chemotherapy, transfusions and medications...far too many. There is no minority, there are many kids fighting and Camryn Lee is one of them.


I am beginning to really see with my heart what this journey is teaching me...

This journey is not easy, quite frankly it's down right frightening at times. There are ebbs and flows, moments of absolute sorrow and disappointment...and moments when the grace of my Father is lavished on our lives in ways that leave me speechless. I will not pretend to know why Camryn has cancer...that will be a question that will forever be left for my Father. But, I do know that there are moments along this journey that my heart has learned something that I don't know if I would have ever learned. I've learned that life isn't always a neat little package. I've learned that I cannot do everything on my own. I've learned that it's okay to be broken. I've learned that I must rely on my Saviour. I've learned that you can be a good mom and a bad one all at the same time. I've learned that fear cripples you. I've learned that the Lord is bigger than ALL of it...and quite simply I have a lot left to learn.

I am really learning to appreciate the little things...

At clinic today Camryn was cared for by people who are going about their careers, just doing their job so to speak. Yet, they do their jobs with such grace and dignity and love that I am amazed by them. They care for Camryn in ways that I just cannot repay...and more than that they care for Jason, Wyatt and me. They care for all of us and I'm thankful.

Good lab reports might seem little, but they are huge and I am thankful for the numbers on the page. I'm thankful for lab techs that take the time to consider a five year old who has to have EKGs. I am thankful for our life at UCLA...it's a little thing, but I am so thankful that in the summer of 2006 we chose UCLA.

The simplicity of life...that beyond all the stuff life is fairly simple. And I appreciate those things that just seem to happen when you need them too...those moments when friends call exactly when you need them most. Yep, the little things...

I am learning that the Lord is faithful...

There are many details to figure out throughout this journey and there will be more once Camryn officially goes into transplant; but for now the Lord is in the details. He is moving things in ways that only He can...He is opening doors and windows...He is holding us.

I am really learning that all of this is real...

For so long one can walk with the Lord and never really walk with the Lord. We say the right things, we do the right things...but the depth of our faith is about a puddle. We fail to go deep with God...I know I did and do. But, if anything I am learning that I need to go deep with God; for it's in the depths that He is to be found. The Lords love for me runs deep and it's not about to change...therefore, I need to dig my love for Him deeper so that when the circumstances of life come...He is my anchor. He is my rock...He is my foundation...

I am realizing that in my life the Lord is far surpassing any expectation I have...I dream little, I dream in a box if you will. I have been known to limit God...

And you know what?

God is busting through any and all limits I've set...He is a boundless God, which means He is able to do anything...

Anything?

I've known that in my head, but my heart has been slow. I've always felt that the Lord needs my help, my consulting, that in some way He needs me. How arrogant am I?

If anything I need Him.

I have come to realize that these words are so true:

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word spoken to me

And I'm, I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you

And I'm desperate for you
And I'm, I'm lost without you.

...and without Him I am nothing. I guess that's what I've come to realize afterall.