it's His...

Today I was reminded of something so clearly while at clinic with Camryn. All things are His.

Camryn had her Tuesday EKG this morning and after the ups and downs last week with her EKGs, we were praying today's was good. As we got to the lab the techs all smiled and Camryn climbed up on the table and did exactly what she was supposed to...yep, she's a pro at this. As the EKG ran and was printed, my heart was anxious...for Camryn's heart. The tech didn't say a word so that only served to heighten my anxiousness...Camryn finished up and the tech handed me the copy to take to the doctors. My eyes immediately scanned the page for the word "Normal"...and it was there, not once, but twice. "Normal Sinus Rhythm...Normal ECG"...yes, I smiled.

We headed upstairs and we kindly greeted by the super nice lady behind the check-in desk...she says hi to Camryn, asks about her Daddy, checks in to see if we had a nice drive down. Honestly, this lady is the nicest. We headed to procedure clinic and got our regular spot...yep, Camryn is a creative of extreme habit we have to sit in the same curtain area every time. If we happen to be late the nurses reserve it for her...yep, she's a regular.

I ran the EKG over to the clinic side for one of the doctors to sign off...Dr.A was so pleased that he quickly signed it off. Camryn got her arsenic running and all went well. As the arsenic was running we got a copy of her lab sheet and let me say this...it was fabulous! Camryn's levels are the best they've been in a long time...it was awesome. I quickly called Jason to tell him, I was beyond excited. I know that for now this is what we want, good strong levels and soon enough the lab sheet will look entirely different; but for now I will celebrate the good and leave the rest for another day.

Camryn especially enjoyed laughing and joking around with Allison, Dr.M and of course Nurse Charlotte. I was smiling at her as she joked around with Dr.M playing with his stethoscope and such...seriously this is the best doctor ever. Camryn loves Dr.M...they have a very special relationship. And it's not hard to see why...as Camryn was chatting with Allison and Nurse Charlotte, Dr.M and I chatted. He is such a special man, honestly he is such a comfort for me and Jason. As I was chatting with Dr.M and he was asking if we had any questions; he said something that I have been mulling over and over in my head....

"it's His time...If I had my way we'd be working to get you guys home from transplant soon, but instead we're not there yet. But it's His...Camryn will not get there a day sooner or a day later then what He has planned."

And it is...it's His.

Dr.M smiled and then said that Camryn looks so great and she is doing so well...it's so wonderful. And then he went on to say, "We all just love her." Again my heart smiled because they do...they absolutely love her. Camryn is not merely a patient with a number and file; she is a 5 year old fighting a fight that if any of her doctors or nurses could they would take from her in a heart beat. Camryn's family at UCLA has become her treasure, she knows their schedules, she knows they care, she feels safe and she knows she matters. There is no greater gift to a child who's world has been turned upside down than knowing that they matter...that they matter greatly.

Honestly, to a parent of a child who's world has turned upside down there is no greater gift either. To know that Camryn is getting the best care possible, that she is in hands that care so deeply is such a comfort. And it's His...it's His gift to me.

There is no plan B in all of this, it's His plan and inasmuch as I would love for it to be different, it's not. I am not the one who holds the world in His hands, who breathed life into each of us, who creatively knit us all together as uniquely as we are...not that's not me.

At times I do feel like Job, oh I know that Job endured more than I could even imagine to be humanly possible...but, I feel like Job when the Lord speaks to him in the ending chapters of Job and Job responds...

"I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted." ~ Job 42:2

While looking around at the broken pieces, wondering, questioning...I know. I know that the Lord can do all things...He can and will according to His plan. I guess the struggle really comes when His plan does not align with mine...and oh that happens so often.

I would love to be half way through transplant...starting to really think and work towards coming home. Yes I would love that. I would love for Wyatt to be through surgery and done with his part...but, I still have to wait for the day when both my children will be admitted and in the hospital. When I will have to be two places at once...that day is coming. But, oh how I wish it was behind me.

Yet, it's not...there are hard days ahead and He knows that. He knows the outcomes that run through my heart and Jason's heart...both of us afraid to speak them into words as though if we do they might actually happen. But, we've learned a lot throughout this process...what we want...what we think...just really is that. What we want.

And yet it's all His...

From the very beginning of our journey with Camryn there is a struggle within to let go, to surrender our daughter and trust her to the Lord's hands. Some days it's easier than others to surrender this whole journey. Some days it just aches and hurts so deeply.

The other day I went up to my classroom to get some things for my long term sub in order...and I cried. I cried as Jason and I walked away...I had such high hopes for this school year...after a 10 year wait I was teaching the subject that I have longed to teach since beginning college...yes for 16 years. I was excited to have these 8th graders again as I had taught many of them as 7th graders and I loved them. The year was going to be rough teaching two new subjects, but it felt as if things were moving in the right direction...

But, I don't need to tell you that everything changed.

I cried to think that what I longed to do was not there now...I miss my students, I miss my teaching peers, I miss all of it. Not because I lived and breathed teaching; but because if I was there I wouldn't be here...

And yet it's His...

Our lives have taken some turns that we didn't expect, but for what it's worth we have a good life. We love each other, we cherish each other and we lived today...we love the Lord and beyond that the rest is just details.

So for tonight I am resting in the promise that it's His...all of it, every single bit of it...

"I hereby command you: Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9