cracked vision...broken dreams

Today I began to see it...I began to see why I have really been struggling the last few days. I mean it's been a struggle since February of 09, no really February of 06 for that matter. As I began to really see it, as feelings came into focus as they were swirling around within me; I felt as though I was dealing with shattered pieces of myself...

We are celebrating Camryn's 5th birthday tomorrow and honestly that one event has got me lurking in the shadows. I won't lie, Camryn turning 5 was a very big deal to me...I say was because attached to 5 was that we'd made it through post-transplant stuff to get her to 5 and ready for school. All throughout our journey through leukemia the first time I kept holding on to 5...let's get to five and maybe then Camryn could partake in a normal childhood.

Now, that's gone...

Gone for good...you see Camryn turning 5 isn't quite what I had envisioned, it isn't nearly what I had hoped for.

Tonight Jason and I were talking and I was sobbing...trying to put words to my thoughts. But, we really saw something as we talked...something that I really began to see what the last few days have been so incredibly difficult.

I don't know what to dream...

As a mother you dream big dreams for your children...you plan, you hope, you do all of that. You imagine their future...you imagine the steps they will take...the friendships they will make and all those things...

And right now I don't know what to dream...

You see I had all those dreams for Camryn, after walking through 2006 I had finally come to the place of allowing myself to trust and believe and dream again. And now it's gone. So, I left wondering what do you dream now?

Jason said it best..."we dream simply for life."

Yes, we are dreaming for life...breaths...for tomorrow. As simplistic as that sounds it's all we can dream for now...I wish I could dream bigger dreams. I wish I could allow my heart to let go and dream big again, but I can't. You see with 5 approaching I'm having to let go of all that I had for her...and it hurts.

I told Jason tonight that the only birthday party that we've had with Camryn without leukemia looming over us was her first birthday...every birthday since has been marked in some way by leukemia. I guess that's why I was so excited for 5...ever since we found out her birthday was actually on Easter this year we've been dreaming, planning and it was fun.

We had plans of a big Easter egg hunt with family and friends...our big extended family and our friends, Camryn's friends she has made while being in the world again. Well, we still will have an Easter egg hunt, but the guest list is much smaller...which is okay. Just another reminder that things are just not what we thought they would be.

There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. The glass was clean, the pane unbroken.

You knew God. You knew how he worked. You knew what he wanted you to do. No surprises. Nothing unexpected. You knew God had a will, and you continually discovered what it was.

Then suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.

Perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. Maybe the rock hit in adolescence when your heart was broken. Maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. But then the pebble came.

Was it a phone call? "We have your daughter at the station. You'd better come down."

Was it a letter on the kitchen table? "I've left. Don't try to reach me. Don't try to call me. It's over. I just don't love you anymore."

Was it a diagnosis from the doctor? "I'm afraid our news is not very good."

Was it a telegram? "We regret to inform you that your son is missing in action."

Whatever the pebbles form, the result was the same - a shattered window. The pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. The crash echoed down the halls of your heart. Cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.

And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed. You turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. It was hard to see him through the pain. It was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt.

You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? Tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the One you had seen, were they? Had you been fooled? Had you been blind?

The moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. From then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. Before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. After your pain, well, he was harder to see. He seemed a bit distant...harder to perceive. Your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it, but distorted it.

Maybe these words don't describe your situation. There are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. Most of us do.

Most of us know what it means to feel disappointed by God.

Most of us have a way of completing this sentence: "If God is God, then..." Call it an agenda, a divine job description. Each of us has an unspoken, yet definitive, expectation of what God should do. "If God is God, then..."

* There will be no financial collapse in my family
* My children will never be buried before me.
* People will treat me fairly
* This church will never divide
* My prayer will be answered

There are not articulated criteria. They are not written down or notarized. But they are real. They define the expectations we have of God. And when pain comes into our world - when the careening pebble splinters the window of our hearts - these expectations go unmet and doubts may begin to surface.

We look for God, but can't find him. Fragmented glass hinders our vision. He is enlarged through this piece and reduced through that one. Lines jigsaw their way across his face. Large sections of shattered glass opaque the view.

And now you aren't quite sure what you see.

~ Max Lucado

That's exactly how I feel...my dreams have been shattered, the window of my heart is splintered in a thousand different pieces. The pebble cracked the window in 2006 and another on in 2009...guess my window is doubly shattered you could say.

I can see God...I can feel God and I trust God with it all. Yes, with all of it. But, he is harder to see...He is harder to feel...it's just harder. But, oh so much deeper.

Through my shattered window a depth has come in my relationship with the Lord that can only be marked with a shattered window...because it's simply not easy. Life just isn't easy...and the redefining happens and right now I feel as though the Lord is leading me to redefine everything.

And I mean everything...hopes, dreams, expectations, all of it...and it's hard to let go.

I know and believe that even in my tears, my frustrations, my cries He will meet me and even if my view is altered...HE will never be.

He is the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow....

Guess maybe my dreams don't matter anymore...for maybe tomorrow's dream is eternity.