worship...

You know those worship songs that just seem to take you into the very essence of heaven? The moments when you just know that you are gathered around the throne of grace and experiencing the beauty of Isaiah 6. When you just might "see the Lord."

A few Saturday nights ago we ventured to church, the new head of school where I work was being introduced and I felt compelled to go. Being that the kids cannot do children's church or those sort of things we sat up in the balcony away from most everyone and the kids had some coloring and snacks so they were ready. As the worship started I was not ready...

Wow, it's been a while since I have felt so compelled to really just let go. I won't lie there is an extremely tenuous battle that rages in me about missing so much. I hate that cancer gets to take things that should not seemingly be affected, but they are. As we sang...I smiled, a smile that truthfully I have not smiled in a long time. The smile of a soul being held by their loving Healer. The music flooded my heart and over and over again healing came...the wounds are deep the scars still ever present, but a loving healing came.

Later as the evening settled in I realized that my Healer is healing me still...it has been a very long road and at times I wonder just how to reconcile it, but that is a futile thought. There is no going back to what might have been, there is no recovering what was lost, there is no moment when this will not be. Cancer has and is never going to be gone...the best most can hope for is remission. Which by definition is the disappearance of the signs and symptoms of cancer, it can be temporary or permanent. Notice there is no cure...no moment when the cancer is gone forever, there is always a chance be it minimal that it could/can come back. I guess the fact that Camryn has relapsed at least three times the ground never feels quite sure.

So this is where I find myself on a pretty regular basis...longing for what was, wrestling with what is and pleading for the wounds to heal.

And healing has come in the form of worship...

Being that I cannot experience church worship on a weekly basis the Lord has opened a new experience...my children worshipping Him.

Let me explain.

That Saturday night that was healing for me, reintroduced Camryn and Wyatt to worship songs and singing at church, they LOVED it! So, we've been listening to a lot more worship songs in the car and the kids sing a long and it is awesome! Wyatt's request is "Blessed Be The Name" and Camryn's request is "My Savior My God". They both sing their little hearts and it is very healing to their Mommy's heart.

Ever since that Saturday night I hear little voices singing all the time...in fact today as Wyatt was playing cars in his room his little voice was singing "blessed by the name of the Lord, blessed by the glorious name..." And listening to his voice was a taste of heaven. Granted Wyatt does not know all the words, but who cares? In my thinking how precious are his heartfelt words to my ears, but how much more precious are they to his Maker's?

And that got me thinking...

The prayers of Camryn and Wyatt are simple, no complexities there. No let me explain this and that to the One who really needs no explanations, but I give them anyway. Simple, concise, real, heartfelt and pure as can be...

And mine?

Full of myself and my own rhetoric of this and that...full of my wants and my explaining to my Maker what He needs to do and very little of my ears listening.

Camryn and Wyatt's worship is untainted...they just sing. No hidden agendas...no ulterior motives, nope it's real.

And mine?

Full of myself and my own thoughts of do I like this song? Is the band good, is this version to my liking and very little focused on to whom I am singing to.

Out of the mouth of babes

My worship, my prayers have been challenged by two little hearts...

And I couldn't be more humbled.

And the letting go? The healing?

It comes...ever so slowly.

But it comes.