motherhood...

I received this on Friday...I've seen it before, but it holds much more meaning now.

Before I was a Mom
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on.

Pooped on.

Spit on.

Chewed on.

Pottied on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much love or so much pain before I was a Mom.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

— Author unknown.

The journey of motherhood has been anything but what I expected it to be...never imagined this journey to be what it is, never thought I would have my mommy heart ripped in two over and over again and yet be ever so thankful at the same time.

Today I looked the gift Jason gave me the first Mother's Day that Camryn was sick...four years ago. I teared up looking at her darling face and thinking to myself...had I known then. You see at that point Camryn was sailing through her treatments and it appeared as if she was beating this enemy well. I guess there is a part of me that wishes that I did not have certain moments of motherhood, but then I wouldn't have this journey with Camryn and for what it is worth I have grown to appreciate things about her that I might have taken for granted. I love her little face...I love those big blue eyes, that dance when she is feeling well and I love that they danced today. I love her spirit...for she has taught her mommy much about what it means to be a mom, what it means to love someone more than yourself...

Thank you Camryn Lee...

Three years ago Wyatt was dedicated on Mother's Day...today I was remembering how much I felt then what I feel now, uncertainty, isolation, worry, fear and yet in the midst there was this ray of hope and sunshine that just melted my heart then and he continues to moment by moment. As I watched Wyatt run around today I just smiled a smile that I treasure in my heart...for Wyatt and I walked an incredible 9 months together before I even saw his face. And now I cannot even believe what a precious little piece of my heart he forever holds. Wyatt has taught me to believe beyond what we can see, that the Lord is carrying us through even before we know it.

Thank you Wyatt Jason...

For these two make the ride of motherhood worthwhile...



And where would I be without my own mom, Jason's mom, my sisters, my aunts, my grandma...the many women who have been my "mom" who have taught me, influenced me and molded me into the mom I am today...

Thanks Mom...