a whole new step

Today Jason and I were about as proud of Camryn as we have ever been...she left us incredibly proud and amazed.

We met with Camryn's new radiation team...yes, this is a whole new step for us. Radiation was never part of Camryn's protocol before, but now it is. I won't lie I was anxious about everything...just starting a new phase and trying to keep my emotions in check so as to not scare Camryn. I learned long ago that Camryn responds off of mine and Jason's emotions; so we both tried to think positive and assure Camryn.

We arrived at the radiology clinic and checked in at that point they asked if Camryn was NPO (basically if she'd eaten anything) I said no. I racked my brain to try to remember if when they called to confirm they had told me to keep her from eating...they had not so that didn't start the morning off to well. I did not realize that Camryn would have to be sedated for the consult...I was nervous. After we talked with the doctors my nervousness was lessened as they thought maybe at 5 Camryn could lay absolutely still for the CT scan they needed in order to prepare her radiation dosages.

The doctors talked about the immediate side effects...vomiting, nausea, fatigue. Really the normal list that comes from chemotherapy and such...this wasn't too overwhelming. The doctors assured us that Camryn could have anti-nausea medicine in order to help her through. They discussed the procedures for radiation as an in-patient as Camryn will not start her radiation until she is admitted to prepare for her transplant. The purpose of the radiation is to kill any remaining leukemia cells and also to prepare Camryn's marrow to receive Wyatt's marrow. All of this makes sense to us clearly...we get it...

But, that doesn't take a way the hurts of the long-term effects. It's in the long-term effects that I find myself in tears...considering outcomes and explanations that will given one day to Camryn just absolutely breaks my heart. As a mother I feel so completely helpless...I want to save her from potential heartache and I can't. So today as the doctors discussed long-term effects with us my eyes filled with tears...but, I had to do what I've done so many times before. Trust. Simply trust that this path is not a surprise, nor is it new to the Lord...He is carrying Camryn as He is carrying us...He is holding us through and He will be there 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now when we have to explain to our precious baby girl why...

After the talking and listening we went to the CT scan...we explained to Camryn that if she could lay still she would not have to have the medicine that puts her to sleep. Camryn clearly did not want to be put to sleep so she quite confidently says, "I can do it."

And do it she did...

Camryn laid perfectly still for her CT scan and did not once seem afraid. She did everything the doctors and techs asked of her...Jason and I stood by watching amazed at this little girl...amazed at who she has become through all of this.

When we began this journey Camryn was not even two yet...and now she is five. She understands so much more...in fact today as the doctors were talking she crawled up in my lap, covered her face with her blanket and just shook in fear. She was scared...but her fears do not immobilize her. Camryn was going to do what she needed too, even if she was scared. Camryn has an indescribable trust...and in fact we walked away and I couldn't help but be amazed at the grace her Heavenly Father lavished on her today.

As we got off the elevator there were our friends J and D and we all chatted as we walked out...as we were walking I heard a lady very loudly say, "Look at that little boy...isn't it sad he has cancer." Mine and J's eyes met and we smiled...yes it is sad, but do you have to make a scene? And yet the ironic thing is that the little girl running in front of D chatting up a storm...yes, she has cancer too.

No one would ever guess...no one would ever know...

But we do, we know that there is a whole new step awaiting Camryn and while it inches ever closer we wait...

Tomorrow will be a full day with a clinic visit and aspiration...please be praying for tomorrow. Camryn will be sedated which is always a bit nerve-racking for us, but we trust...

Trust that even though this is a whole new step it's not new to our Father...

He knows, He cares, He loves, He holds...He is. He is everything we need Him to be...

Trusting that tomorrow...and the days after.