weekend wrap...

It's the weekend, the last weekend of January...where in the world is time going?? I cannot even believe how quickly the first month of 2011 has past.

I took this picture last weekend. We have Iris' in our front planter and we don't really see them bloom all too often, but I think the weeks worth of rain we had earlier really help this beauty bloom. Iris' are not my favorite flower, but in looking at this picture, I cannot even believe the Creator's creativity. I am in awe of the beauty of creation...and I'm glad this is found outside my front door...



The weather has been absolutely beautiful...really wonderful for January! I took this picture of Wyatt last week as he LOVES being outside. As soon as Jason gets home from work out the door they go. Wyatt enjoys riding his bike, his scooter, playing ball, and just about everything else a little boy loves to do. Camryn often joins him, but really he would be satisfied to just be outside regardless of who else is with him. This past week he has spent almost every ounce of daylight left before the sun goes down outside...can't wait for the time change so we can squeeze even more out of each day.



Look what I made...



One evening when I was home with a headache I began reading a variety of crafty blogs that my sis-in-law D and friend T had sent me. I stumbled upon this idea of making a bow holder out of a frame...sadly I don't even know where I saw the idea. But, I remembered it and changed it up a bit. I found the frame in my parents' garage and painted it white. Went to Jo-Ann's and found some fabric and ribbon...and my idea in my head came to life.

I like it a lot. Camryn loves it...she has accumulated more and more bows and hair clips which is lots of fun, but she has a hard time putting them away or even seeing all the fun clips she has. I will admit one of the fun parts of Cam growing up is her hair growing in (again)...her hair is now long enough for pig-tails, pony-tails, lots of cute styles. And yes, for a mom and a little girl who have navigated hair loss, hair coming back, hair loss again, and now hair coming back; it is fun to have some girly girl fun!

Here are the two little faces who make the journey of mommy-hood worthwhile...can't seem to get enough of them.



We've been home much of the weekend as Camryn has a cold. :( Watching Camryn sick just breaks our hearts in two, even if it is *just* a cold. Nothing is *just* with Camryn...but, she is on the mend. No fevers at this point and doing well...not a 100% but better. So, we didn't go to the VCS game on Friday or church last night or Disneyland today...but all of those things can wait. We just want Cam to get well soon!

And last of all...we've been decorating for Valentine's Day. Camryn loves holidays and loves to create her own decorations. Here is her Valentine's Day creation...



I helped cut out the hearts, but she did the rest herself...she's a crafty little one! Can't wait to see what she comes up with for St. Patrick's Day and Easter!



And coming soon...Camryn at Cheer Clinic, yep this Friday night she'll be a Cheerleader! Heaven help us! :)

tuesday clinic update...

Well it's that time again...Camryn's monthly Tuesday clinic visit.

Last night Camryn was crying and struggling with having to go to clinic, she is so tired of all this. I don't blame her. She didn't sleep well either, she gets so nervous and anxious...sometimes it's hard to know what to say...

Thankfully this morning she was a bit better, still did not want to go; but was not fighting it as much. I got her ready and she looked darling, I meant to take a picture of her in her cute little pig tails and just looking oh so much older. How is it that in a few days Camryn has been dealing with all of this for 5 years? Camryn and Jason headed out and she was hanging in there.

Camryn texted me a few times while they were waiting for the doctor...it was fun to be able to "chat" with her. I miss being able to go with Camryn, I'm hoping that the next couple months I will be able to go, but I am SO thankful for Jason taking Camryn...they have quite a bond!

Dr.M was out of town so Camryn saw Dr.G who was the attending doctor during her second transplant...Dr.G had not seen Camryn since then (19 months). Dr.G could not believe how old Camryn is getting, how grown up she is looking...how different she has become. Dr.G looked at the new little rashes on Camryn's arm and it was determined that Camryn has eczema...what a praise! I will admit I was a bit worried that maybe gvh was rearing it's ugly head again, but no just extremely dry skin. The doctors gave us a name of a lotion to try and so when I got home I went to pick it up...lathered her up tonight before bed and hopefully over the next few days/weeks we'll see improvement!

Camryn's labs came back great!

Honestly, I get a lump in my throat while we wait for Cam's labs...guess there is just a reassurance found in those numbers. I teared up...it's almost February, I tear up a lot this time of year.

Thankful tonight for a great hospital and team of doctors at UCLA who continue to care for Camryn and love her.

Thankful for friends who prayed for Camryn and our family today.

Thankful for people at work who encourage me while I try to "work" waiting to hear from Jason.

Thankful...just plain thankful for another great appointment and all the peace that comes with that.

days...

Today while waiting for my lunch to be done in the microwave I chatted with a high school girl...I remember once upon a time ago when finals were the things that occupied my thoughts. I thought that was stressful. :) And you know as we chatted I saw in her an innocence that this is her life, real life...she is stressed and rightly so. She was telling me that she had calculated it and knew exactly what grade she needed to get to reach her desired grade...stress at her level.

And then another girl joined us and asked how my kids were doing...I replied, "good...really good." We chatted longer and then they said it, "I don't know how you do it..." And I replied, "I have my days."

And I do...

Most days are *easy* so to speak...like today. I had a good day at work, came home and hung out with my kids and hubby, ate dinner, hung out some more, did baths...and then it came. The {it} of my life...cancer, leukemia, rashes, doctors appts, bruises, concerns, relapse, hurt...the list goes on and on.

Camryn heads to UCLA tomorrow for her monthly clinic appointment...and I'm hopeful that again she will get a great report and again her meds will be weaned. But, if I'm honest in the very back on my head {it} is there. The fear as I was giving her a bath and she had new bruises...I quickly asked Jay to come and wanted to know if he noticed them. When will I ever look at a bruise like normal people do? I don't know, but I'd love too!

Then there are some little rashes that have shown up...they don't look GVH related to me, but then again I'm only a pseudo-doctor. So, we will get those checked out. Then there is the rash that has developed because of Camryn's band-aid she had on...honestly she has the most sensitive skin ever. So, we will ask the question if it is GVH related or if her skin is just ultra-sensitive. Sigh...the list grows.

As we were doing Camryn's medicine, Jason asked me if I was okay..."just tired." I said. But, really it's more than that...I think at times I would just love to have a day any day when my mind does not have to think about these realities. When? Probably never...

In light of the days that come I will continue to seek my Jesus in the midst of it all. Some days that is hard, some days it is easier...

There are moments when {it} comes, thankfully the moments pass as I continually lay my sweet baby girl at my Jesus' feet time and time again. Hopeful for great news tomorrow...news that assures my heart that Camryn is doing well.

And sometimes on days like this, I just need a little (((hug))) for my heart...

That indeed Camryn is well.

long overdue...

Pictures!

When Uncle Nick, Auntie Heather, James, Tori, and Jackson were in town we had lots of
fun...


Not sure how Peighton feels about her older boy cousins...but, I know for sure Wyatt and Jackson LOVE her.



Of course we had to attempt a photo shoot...



Aren't the matching pajamas cute? Many thanks to Teacher Connie!

Wyatt and Jackson...9 months apart and oh so much alike.



Camryn.Tori.Riley...love these girls!



3 is enough...Wyatt.Jackson.Riley



For my dad's birthday we went up to Camarillo to the outlets, lunch out, and then dinner out with my family...it was a fun day! I didn't take any pictures, but I did snap this one before we left. Camryn was super excited to have her hair in pig-tails!



This past Friday the Mikels family came to our house for family dinner...and these silly cousins had lots and lots of fun!

Cinderella.Woody.Rapunzel



Peighton getting in on the action



Wyatt...Buzz



Life has been pretty crazy these past couple weeks, but I am so thankful for moments like these that we enjoyed life to the fullest! So thankful for our friends and family who help to fill our days with lots of love and laughter!

{normal}...

Could it be that our lives are becoming more and more normal?

I find that as the days pass there is less and less to blog about...maybe it's just that I'm really tired most days when I finally find my way to the couch. And honestly, it's a lot more relaxing to just sit and chat with Jason then try to find words, that just don't seem to come.

When this journey first began day to day life was full of ups and downs; and now life is evening out. There aren't as many ups and downs daily, moment by moment...life is beginning to be dare I say it? Normal.

This past week was incredibly loooong...Jason and Camryn started back to school, which helped us find our routine again. We had a lot going on which makes for quick days, but for some reason this week just seemed to be moving in slow motion. I had a really busy week at work, it's almost finals so that means lots of work in my teaching world and even more work in my dean world with students being emotionally stressed out. Work continues to go well...after about 5 years of all sorts of working situations, this year finally feels settled for me. My heart feels connected and it feels as if I have allowed myself to settle in...don't feel like I'm waiting for it all to fall apart again.

Camryn had a good first week back at school. I had to call her teacher to ask for an extension form as Camryn will not be going to school this year...we knew this, but at the beginning of the year her doctors thought she maybe could. But, that's not to be...so we have to get all her forms filled out to continue her schooling through LAUSD. When I called her teacher and explained that Camryn would in fact finish out the school year with Carlson (her school), her teacher was so excited! She was thrilled that she would get to spend the rest of the year with Cam...my heart smiled.

I remember when all of this schooling stuff just ripped my heart in two...and I remember praying that the Lord would open doors for Camryn to have great teachers and just a wonderful situation. And you know what? School has been amazing for Camryn...her teachers are incredible blessings for which we are very thankful! Even though this time of year is hard with registration for school happening and such I found great comfort in the excitement of her teacher...

Oh I do so hope by September Camryn will get the green light to attend school and Wyatt too for that matter...but that's a hope I can't let get the best of me, it hurts and yet I'm hopeful.

We got to hang out with Jason's sister's family who were here visiting from Colorado...we had a great time! Camryn and Wyatt thoroughly enjoyed seeing James, Tori, and Jackson...and Auntie Heather and Uncle Nick too! We had a family dinner last Sunday and it was a lot of fun...lots of noise, lots of playing, and lots of family. It was a very special time...one that we cherish even more so because we were all there. They came by Tuesday to say "good - bye", Camryn was very sad...she still is. Oh how she misses her cousins...but she cannot wait until this summer when we road-trip-it to Colorado to visit!

Things are really good these days...oh I have my moments, but with February coming I am happy to say I'm doing well. February is always my dreaded month, but for the first time since I started hating February I am not as aware of all the hurt as I once was. Yes, it is still there. But, I guess in some ways I am beginning to reconcile it all or maybe just let it go. Either way my heart is healing in ways.

You need to know the cross is not just the starting line. It's the very centerpiece of your story with God. It's the place where the pain of "you will have trouble" meets the triumph of "I have defeated the world". ~ Pete Wilson, Plan B

And that is where my healing is found...

Trouble came, it's here, and to a degree it will continue to be. But, the cross is that which holds my story with God...the pain and the triumph. There is no doubt that pain is here, some days more than others, and thankfully less days than before. It hurts. But, the triumph...the beauty, the story, the peace, the calm, the redeeming love. Yes, even in the pain the triumph comes...

Some days are normal, some are painful...

But all are in triumph; holding dearly to the cross on which my Jesus died.

story told...

Our family was asked awhile ago to share our story in chapel at Village...well, today was the day.

We intentionally picked today so Camryn would be able to join us so it did not conflict with her school schedule. We all were there...Jason, Camryn, and Wyatt joined me at Village. Jason and I had been kicking around ideas for awhile about how to best capture our families story of the past almost five years and convey what we wanted to say...what we have learned.

If you remember the montage we made for Light the Night...I reworked it a bit and we showed that so that the students would have a visual, a framework for our story. I will admit I can't hardly watch the montage without tears filling my eyes and today was no different. As I watched the pictures fade in and out my heart was full, full of memories and thoughts.

After the montage we showed two short video clips of Camryn & Wyatt answering questions...they were great, so cute, and so real. Wyatt's was especially funny, because he is quite a funny boy at times. I smiled as I watched the clips, struggling to really believe that my kids are as old as they are.

Jason then shared about the feeling of losing control he felt throughout Camryn's journey. Having to hand his little girl over and trusting that the Lord would hold her and take care of her...He did great. And again I was so amazed at the man I married...over and over I am amazed at him and his love for his family and his faith in God.

I went next and shared that my Plan A of life was shattered and I have been walking in Plan B and I don't like it, it's not fair, and really as much as I would like it to change it never will. I shared about my sweet Jackie & Heather coming to visit me when Camryn was first sick and asking me a question that plays over and over in my head..."Are you mad at God?" Answering that question that I wasn't, I didn't understand then and I really don't now; but I know that this story breaks God's heart even more than it has broken mine.

We are all living in a Plan B of sorts...life never has completely gone like we've planned it. Unfortunately, some of us have had catastrophic things alter the course of life and our lives never recover to what was.

And as I was driving to work the song played, "How He Loves..." and really that is what our story has taught me over and over...

Dana,
You are hurt, you are broken, you will never be the same and I love you still. I always have loved you and I always will. My heart hurts for yours and I will make this story beautiful, I will restore it, I will redeem it, and I will continue to gently whisper in the midst of the storm...I love you.

And sometimes my heart needs that story told to it time and time again.

nineteen...

Wow...nineteen months have pasted since one of the hardest, yet most exciting days of our lives - Camryn's transplant.

It has been quite a ride since June of 2009 and it's hard to believe we are now less than six months away from two years. I think in a way we are still holding our breath...Camryn made it to 28 months before relapse. Really she was relapsing throughout the fall, but it wasn't until February that it was confirmed. Honestly, I think we will hold our breath until we get to June and really probably (for sure) will hold our breath for the days to come.

Our lives are becoming less and less defined by leukemia, but it is never far away. And really that is the hardest part. As much as life moves on, the realities never get too far way and it is hard. Down right difficult to navigate at times.

Right now we are excited to see what 2011 holds for our family...feels a bit surreal to be excited for the future. It surely has taken us awhile to get to this point. The Lord is continually healing some deep hurts, hurts that seem to reoccur when we least expect them. Sometimes the hurt hits me in waves and I'm never quite sure when they will subside...and then other times it is as if this has always been our life.

February will mark five years...a lump in my throat. So many thoughts, so many fears, so many memories that I wish I knew how to handle better. But, for today I know that my Savior's love is sufficient for me. That he is writing this story and in as much as it is my Plan B it is my life...our life.

Slowly, but surely I am coming to grips with the realities that this is our life...that I am not watching it from afar, although for a long time that is exactly what I was doing. Now, I am trying to live this life...embrace the good, the bad, and everything in between. Because if there is anything my sweet Camryn has taught me it is to live...

Live with everything, give everything, and believe...

Believe that it is good, beautiful, and a life worth living.

And I am thankful...thankful for 19 months and hopeful for so many more.