fever.hospital.february...

I'm learning as with all things expect the unexpected...

Camryn seemed to have turned a corner on her cold, or so we thought...we got home on Monday to a little girl with a 102.5 fever. Ugh, the dreaded call made and we waited. While we waited I took Camryn back to our bedroom in a big over-sized chair and held her close, all the while praying, praying that it would be simple and nothing too serious. We got the call and like we know we have to headed to the ER at UCLA. We quickly gathered our things, took Wyatt to my parent's house, and dealt with a very upset Camryn. She knew, she always knows.

After a lot of tears in the car we got to UCLA, headed in the ER and waited. We got through triage and waited some more. Finally got a "room" in the ER and waited some more. Our nurses were great and took good care of Camryn...well, minus the 4 pokes to try to place an IV. I knew there would be a time we would miss her central line. Throughout the night the regiment of antibiotics was started and the blood cultures sent and Camryn finally fell asleep around 2. Jason and I began to try to get rest in the little chairs in the ER...that wasn't happening and throughout the night we didn't get much rest if any. Camryn's doctors came in around 8 to say they'd hope a bed would open upstairs later in the afternoon...

*Let me explain...we love UCLA medical center, it is our home and they take great care of Camryn. But, when they built the big, beautiful, super nice hospital it is a lot smaller bed wise. Not nearly enough beds for all the people they see. And the floor that Camryn is on is quite exclusive...Pediatric Oncology which is not on the the normal peds floor. So it is very limited. Her doctors explained there was a back up in the Peds ICU and a lot of kids were being shuffled around to make room...it's hard to be upset knowing that it is not just a clerical reason you are waiting, but rather there are a lot of sick and needy children and who are we to trump any of them.

So we waited some more...

Around 9:30 the Peds Hemonc Attending came to visit again, he apologized and said that she would be moved tonight a bed was open and the room was being cleaned and it had her name on it. True to his word it did, I learned a little trick about reading the ER computer screen to see if we had a room and sure enough in a few moments a room number appeared by Camryn's name. And once the room number appeared here came the ER tech to move us. I have to say even though staying in the ER for 24+ hours is not ideal at all, we had some great care. Once they got us a room boy did people move and as we were leaving the ER the nurses we're saying good-bye...yep, we'd been there through shifts to see the same faces again.

While talking to the Attending doctor, Dr.K he said that if Camryn's cultures remained clear he would discharge her after that. So I asked if that meant we could be discharged at 11:00pm on Wednesday night and he said if we are comfortable going home that late than yes. Of course we would be ready to go as soon as they would let us...so now we had the goal of Wednesday night! YAY!

Once we got on our all too familiar 3rd floor it was like being *home* so to speak. Camryn settled in to the bed and was ready to sleep, the nurse and care partner were super great got us settled in and closed the door...it didn't take long for both me and Camryn to fall asleep. Camryn got a fever through the night which meant Tylenol and then we just went back to sleep. The doctor came in the morning pre-rounds to get a report, she was sleeping and doing well. He said the fever concerned him only in that if it were a bacterial infection the antibiotics should be working, so everything was indicating a virus which antibiotics can't help.

We spent the day hanging out with Grandma and Daddy, Camryn was feeling good she was up playing and really stayed out of bed all day. When you spend time in the hospital it is always great when you can get out of bed and not just lay there...so thankful Camryn felt good enough to play. Grandma drove me home so I could see the best little guy in the world, Wyatt. He was hanging in there, but it was hard. He cried and cried when we left and was very scared that Camryn would have to stay in the hospital for a long time. Wyatt and I played and just hung out while my parents went to see Camryn and Jason. At this point we still had not seen Camryn's hemonc team which we meant no news is good news. Jason called a bit later and said the plan is to discharge as soon as 48 hours passed and that the fevers would not delay us going home.

I headed back down with our car so that we could drive home later, Wyatt hung out with Grandma some more...he got some time with both grandparents by himself which was nice, but he sure missed his big sister.

Later in the afternoon Camryn got another fever, so more Tylenol and by the time I got down to UCLA she was sleeping...after a couple hours the doctor came in and said "I'm writing your discharge orders". We headed home and Camryn was thrilled...

We are home now and so far today Camryn is fever free, not even a low-grade fever. We just have to wait the virus out, if she does spike a fever we will head to clinic tomorrow; but if not then she's probably turned the corner. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...we greatly appreciate them, they mean the world.

I probably don't have to tell you that walking this road again even if just for 48 hours was hard on our hearts. Watching Camryn scream about IVs, tears streaming down her face begging us to not take her to the hospital, fighting to get her to do simple things, and trying to keep her occupied and comfortable...it all gets to be too much. I had my break down yesterday morning when the lab tech came in to draw blood. Camryn had already been poked 4 times and now one more time...she'd had it, it was a battle and she yelled at me and said, "Why do you hate me mommy? Why are you making me do all of this?"

My heart broke...with tears in my eyes I said I love you Camryn and I want you to be well, that is why. I am so sorry. After the dust settled she looked over at me and said, "I sure do love you Mom." And the world was right again.

You see I expect Camryn to be angry, she has every right to be. I expect her to be frustrated, mad and every other emotion...but it makes me weary, sad, and just plain disheartened so be there again. There are so many things that flowed through my mind for 48 hours...lots of questions, thoughts, anger, sadness, hope, promises, and just about everything in between.

All the while the calendar turned to February...we spent the last hours of January and the first ones of February in the hardest place to be. I really hate February...oh I don't entirely, but for a lot of reasons this is the toughest month on the calendar bar none! And here I sat ringing in February in a place where all the hurt is found...

The Lord is good...

Even in the hardest moments of everything He was there and He walked us through it. That is not to say I'm over all of this...my heart takes a beating and I have to take a step back for a few moments to see if the ground is still steady, but Jesus is there.

Jesus has been and will continue to be my rock even in the uncertainty of life. February is here...tomorrow will be 20 months post-transplant, Monday will mark 5 years on this journey and the dates will continue to come throughout the month.

Praying for peace throughout February and all that is to be found there. And ever so thankful that Camryn is home, Wyatt is here and we are living in His hands...