a hurt we can't fix...

This past weekend was very nice. Jason and Camryn have one final week of school so summer has not officially started for this family, but this weekend we did a few summer type things.

On Friday we had lunch with my cousins Darin and Steven...Darin is visiting with his sons from Texas and Steven well he is the best chiropractor in town. I'm not biased at all. :) We very much enjoyed hanging out together, been a long while since the three of us got to spend time together and it was very fun. Since I only have an older sister Darin and Steven were the closest to brothers I ever had, I cherish them.

After lunch we headed to Jason's parents house to say good - bye to his grandparents here visiting from Illinois. We have so enjoyed having them here, I enjoy talking with them and just being around them. Both sets of my grandparents have passed away so I very much enjoy being loved on by them, but more than that I love seeing Camryn and Wyatt know their great-grandparents. What a treasure, what a legacy...it is a gift to us.

Saturday we headed over to my Aunt Wanda's for a family get together in honor of Darin being in town. It was fun to see family who we don't get to see too often...nice to talk with them and be around people for a bit. It was a nice warm day so some of the kids hit the pool and were laughing and enjoying the water. We had a nice time, really we did; but there was a hurt lurking that we just can't fix.

All the while the kids were playing in the pool I watched Camryn's face...she was heart-broken, but handling it well. But, I knew that tears would come just didn't quite know when. Camryn had a very hard time knowing how to answer the questions about why she wasn't swimming...she would look over at me as if to say Mommy please help. Camryn cannot swim yet because she still has her central line and cannot submerge it in water. We do have a line guard for mini-water activities, but swimming is off the list of available activities. So, Camryn sat and watched along with Wyatt. Wyatt didn't go in either as if I'm honest I'm not sure how to handle him getting to do things she can't. Maybe that's bad, I'm not sure...but it is one of those things in this journey that just stinks. They eventually wanted to put their feet in and had a really great time with their cousins...so much fun that they did not want to leave at all.

But, as her mommy I knew that at some point it would all catch up with her. And it did.

That night while we were changing her line dressing the tears just started to fall and she was so upset. Not upset at the other kids...not upset at Jason or me...No she was upset at that "stupid line". She cried and I really had nothing to say...I can't say it'll be okay, because right now I have no idea how long she'll have the line. When she said, "I'm the only one, the only one in the family with a line, I'm not like everyone else...it stinks."

And it does.

I hate the great tandem that this journey has. There are moments of complete joy, fun and normalcy that cannot be denied. But, lurking is a hurt and there are things that just cannot be for Camryn and I hate that.

We are trying to figure out some fun summer water fun, but it's hard. Hard when we cannot go swimming as she absolutely loves to swim. Hard when we get the invite to a pool party...it's not that we don't want to go, but do I really want her heart to ache over sitting outside knowing she's different? I'm not sure...I'm sure it will be a moment by moment decision.

But for today I went and bought small (36 inch) kiddie pools to put some water in so they can splash and play...and that will be good enough for Camryn. Because normal days she's great, she lives the life in front of her with out complaint or worry. But it's those days when she sees and participates in the life that is not yet hers that sometimes it just too much for her six-year-old heart.

So for the past days I've been laying it at my Lord's feet, knowing that I can't fix the hurt, but He can.

And He does...just wish sometimes it was more quickly coming, but I guess at some point acceptance of what is, is a victory in itself. Hopeful that maybe sometime soon the line with be distance history...Camryn's deal with it almost 16 months now. That's a long time...

I cannot wait until this hurt can be fixed...