overwhelmed...

Sometimes I feel like we are moving at a rapid pace and then sometimes it feels like time is passing as slow as it possibly can...it's a weird dynamic throughout this journey. While trying to capture as much normal as we can in the midst of completely non-normal circumstances we continue to take it day by day and moment by moment.

This morning was very hard, I won't lie. Jason headed to church and I am glad he did, one of us needs to stay connected there and he seems to be the one that handles being there better than I do now. As I stayed home with Camryn and Wyatt I just felt this nagging feeling that this is not the way it should be, we should be there together as a family. Instead we are trying to make the best of our situation and trying to be a part of the world we once were. The kids were playing and thoroughly enjoying the fun of the morning, I was fighting tears with every breath. Just felt so isolated and so lonely...I know it will not be this way forever. Really, I do. But, for right now Sunday mornings seem to remind me very vividly of all that is different, changed and lost for the moment because of leukemia.

I began to clean the kitchen and began a long conversation with the Lord, had my playlist of favorite worship songs going and found myself at His feet. There were tears, smiles and lots of moments when I felt held, covered by his love. These are the moments in this journey through leukemia, cancer, isolation that most people never see. The moments trying to reconcile the life that was with the life that is.

Sometimes I deal with it well and sometimes it is just hard.

After Jason got home we began to do some errands and the focus shifted. We are working on a little room make over for Camryn's birthday present. For her birthday she asked for some new bedding and we decided to do a few things. We are really excited about it! So that is the focus shift...a bit of newness in our world. There are many reminders in Camryn's room of the past four years, which is a great thing; but in some ways we are excited to begin a new chapter. Camryn is going to be six years old and in so many ways this is the first birthday that I did not plan. Every birthday until five was a right of passage if you will...but now it is like a whole new moment. I honestly never really let myself dream bigger than five and now she is almost six...

And I am a bit overwhelmed by it all...

There are moments throughout the journey when the path is crystal clear and moments when the path is very unclear, but throughout the Lord has held us. He knows the moments of this morning and He is here now.

I am thankful, incredibly thankful for where we are...I guess it is just the memories of where we were that trip me up. I wish for it to be simple, but sometimes it's not. I am learning to live again in these moments...learning to battle feeling overwhelmed.

Trusting that the Lord will be here in the midst as He has time and time again...