day +299...

The eve of day +300...can you believe it? I can't, simply I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that we are less than 12 hours away from the last benchmark before a year. One whole year...

I know that really I should be thrilled an honestly I am, but today has just been one of those days...just a day when I wonder, really wonder what the heck is going on and what am I doing?

I guess on one hand that is to be expected, I am a teacher and there is one day of school left until the very coveted Easter vacation, Spring Break! Yes, the anticipation is great and well my 8th grade students are every bit ready to be done...like NOW! And I can't blame them one bit because so am I.

Today at lunch with my fellow teachers I was kidding around that I have made it this far in the school year...I've hit 4th quarter! And yet honestly in my heart there is a huge amount of anxiety mixed in. Last year I did not finish...the year before I did...the year before that I didn't start and only finished...and the year before that I did not finish. So over the course of the past four years my success at finishing a year of work has been less than stellar. And I know why that is, but I find that maybe just maybe if I can finish a year that means that the worst is behind us.

I know that is silly, really I do; because the bottom could fall out at any moment.

I am ready for life to find me again...and yet I know that right now currently I am living, so I guess life is here. But, moments come when I want it all back...those pre-leukemia days. I know that's not to be, but today...today is one of those days when I would like that life back.

Feeling a bit like I'm just in a holding pattern of life...that "when this happens or this happens" then I will be living again...

Guess that's why the Lord and I are walking this together...I would love to know how to marry the two. How to live right now in this circumstance...and believe and hope that one day it will all be restored, renewed and redeemed.

Today is just a day when I am hopeful that my Lord meets me to remind me that all is not lost...