shadows...

I got the new David Crowder Band cd this week and true to form they have a song that I have begun singing in my heart...

Shadows...

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

I have been wrestling this week...wrestling within myself to find a balance between the life I am living and the life that seems to be beyond my reach. I feel as though I am battling old thoughts and feelings that I thought had been safely worked through...guess I was wrong.

Tonight was Back to School night at work, a time to talk to parents about the year to come...and in one class I almost lost it. I was explaining how excited I was to be back with their chidren, because truly I am. It feels good to start again...it's the finishing part that I struggle with. Honestly, I stood at the front of that very classroom last September and the view of life was great...then February and all fell apart. I guess I found myself tonight standing in a shadow if you will.

A shadow of what was...a great beginning and the shadow of what it became...a harsh journey again.

As I explained my journey to the parents...I saw their heads nod, eyes shift and looks of compassion. I felt so odd...like I wanted to say that I'm the same Mrs. Mikels who stood in front of a classroom in September of 2005, before leukemia became a vocabulary word for me. But, simply I can't.

I can't escape the shadows...

Today I saw a group of Kindgergarteners walking to the playground and I swallowed hard...will that always be a trigger?

Today I took Wyatt to his three year old well-check up...he is doing wonderfully. He made quite a friend in Dr.K, but all the while I just was waiting...waiting for her to tell me something was wrong. Because isn't that what happens? I know Wyatt is fine, I know he is in great health...but from where I stand that just isn't a given. Dr.K and I chatted about Camryn and I was almost in tears...trying my best to be strong and focus on Wyatt. But, the shadow of Camryn's journey is woven throughout our lives.

Last night Wyatt had melt-down about even going to the doctor...he was so scared. And true to form Camryn gave him the pep talk of all pep talks..."Wyatt I am always with you in your heart...you'll be okay. I will be here when you get home." Cam's pep talk was as sincere as they come...she was truly worried about Wyatt. Afterall both my kids know far more about the doctor than I would have ever wished for. Their vocabulary is full of line changes, flushings, shots, emla cream, medicine...the list goes on and on.

The shadow...

I really believe and hope that one day our lives will be lived beyond the reaches of the shadow. That not every decision, every detail, every plan will have to be run through the "post-transplant" filter. But, even then I wonder...

Because tonight afterwards a mom came up to say hi and let me know that her family was praying for mine. She said that she had proof of God's goodness...her son. And there he stood...a young man who I had when he was in middle school and now he is a senior. A young man who while in elementary school fought cancer...and he smiled...he hugged me and said....

"God is good, look at me."

And I did...I gazed and took it all in...

Because in that moment the shadow didn't feel as heavy...that there was hope.

Like David Crowder Band's song says...

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

Hope found in the cross...to rest, to rest...in the shadow of the cross...to find my strength for each new day, for each moment in the cross of Jesus.

To stand and gaze and remember...remember the cost and the reason...

His great love for us.