a little bit of simple...

life this weekend has the feel of a slower pace and it is wonderful.

friday was my birthday...another year closer to forty.  yikes!  anyways, the kids had a sleep over at church so jason and i went to dinner and did a little bday shopping.

it was fantastic!

don't get me wrong i adore my kids, but sometimes it is just fabulous to 

shop without the whine and groan as mommy is trying things on. 

and the best part...

sleeping in on saturday morning, awwww...sweet simplicity.

saturday, wyatt had a baseball game...another fun spring tradition.  wyatt is doing well, it's an adjustment playing farm and he's trying to adjust to the speed and playing at a higher level.  he's doing great, and really i could care less if they win or lose...just as long as our boy is having fun.  really, at 6 isn't that what counts? :)

that evening we went to dinner with my family for my birthday...it was great to see my niece who is home from college and just hang out with my family.  then home to watch some college basketball...yep, my family knows me well.

today, well today has been a whole not of nothing and it is perfection.  our pace throughout the week is fairly frantic, we've got lots going on and it is hard at times throughout the week to find a bit of peace.  today's been that sort of day.  laundry is getting done, lots of basketball is being watched, a little almost nine year olds birthday party is being planned, and kids are playing outside...it's a beautiful. wonderful. day.

it's days like this that help me through when i have my not so great days.  the past couple weeks have been hard.  everything is fine, but some of the lasting effects of cancer are rearing their ugly heads and i'm frustrated.  but, it's days like this when the lord gently reminds me that there is much joy to be found...

in the simplicity of it all.

{eleven}

friday marked our eleventh anniversary.  wow, eleven years.

sometimes i feel like time has flown by...and in other ways i feel like we've walked a thousand miles in a thousand years.

when i stop to consider that only four of those years were marked by being parents of a child with cancer i find it hard to believe.  we have only navigated four years without the realities of leukemia in our hearts and minds.  and yet, we've done big things...we've grown, we've survived, and we're thriving.

i thank the lord that he saw fit to have my true companion on this insanely crazy journey be jason.  at times i wonder how did i get so lucky.  to marry a guy would loves me well, loves our children well, and most of all loves his lord well.  i am thankful for all jason has taught me over our years...how to be more patient, how to look at the glass half full, how not to worry, how to be, and most importantly how to be more like christ.

i'm thankful that jason is my best friend.  honestly, we could watch espn for hours, talking about march madness, the dodgers, lakers, usc football...yep, he knows me well.  i'm thankful that we can sit and watch games, chat through them and be the best of friends.

the thing about eleven that makes me smile is we are here...

thank you lord for holding us close through our years.  for holding us while we walked a journey that is unlike any other.  for challenging us to believe.wait.hope with expectation that you are never finished.

here's to many more years of j&d mikels...

updates...

it's march!  wow, where is 2013 going??  i thought i'd catch up on some quick updates...

* wyatt started baseball this month.  it's super fun watching wyatt play, in fact it does this momma's heart good to see him out there growing and coming into his own.  wyatt decided that he no longer wanted to play t-ball, so he tried out for farm and made the team.  he is the youngest on his team, and the littlest! :)  but, he holds his own and does great!  he's playing second base, like a certain other mikels (his daddy)...he is wearing #16.  when we went to the meeting wyatt was set on being #5, but another boy chose that number so quickly my momma's mind was racing on a way to salvage this for him. so, i said, "how about #16 like your favorite player?".  he smiled and said "yep, that's good mom!" so he is proudly wearing #16, just like andre either.  wyatt is doing super well in school, he is blossoming in first grade.  he is making lots of friends and doing a lot more on his own, which in some ways makes me sad; but it makes me super happy that our boy is growing up.  our baby is growing and learning and thriving and we couldn't be prouder!

* camryn decided to try out for a speaking part in our church's children's musical...she got the part or rachel and she is super excited!  she goes to practice, which has been a huge blessing as it gives camryn something all her own.  we have really struggled to find camryn something that can be hers and that she is able to do...the musical has been a great blessing!  she is loving it, making friends with the other kids, and doing super!  in fact her teacher said, "she's a natural"...it's fun to see camryn bloom in a way we've never seen.  i probably don't need to tell you that i'll be all tears when she performs as these are moments that we did not know we'd get.  we savor watching her thrive!  school has been more of a challenge this year, who knew third grade was so hard?!  but, she's really doing well...she excels at her book reports and really anything creative she does.  math isn't her favorite, but she hangs in there.  can't say i blame her, math wasn't my favorite either. :)  medically, camryn is doing well.  she goes to the immunologist tomorrow to get some blood work done to begin the phase of treatment to boost camryn's immune system and help it function more fully.  really, all of this is preventative...and a mark that she really is doing fantastic!!  i often times have to remind myself of that when driving to ucla, that all of these things are good signs...we're not fighting leukemia, just it's effects.  i still hate it, but i find great comfort in knowing that she is well enough to walk these journeys now.  i won't lie, the knot in my stomach appears often...but, i have to trust that her heavenly father knows best, better than i do.

* jason is doing well...busy as ever teaching pe and doing really well.  he is helping coach wyatt's team which is a blast for him to be a part of his son's life.  tonight i over heard them talking about playing second and different baseball situations.  jason is proud of his kids, so proud of them...he loves them well.  i couldn't ask for more and when i think of all the countless hours he spent in the hospital with camryn, and home with wyatt...i cannot help but thank my heavenly father that jason is my companion on this journey.  this friday marks our 11 year anniversary...wow, it's been a wild ride, but i am so thankful for the day by day journey with jay.

* i'm surviving school...who knew school law would kick my butt?  seriously, it's so hard; but i'm making it through...only 4 more weeks!  then i'll move on to my final class and then to having my masters degree...come on june!  i'm busy trying to juggle schedules of who is taking who where and all those things.  a friend said to us today at church, "well, you've entered that season...enjoy it for the next 10+ years."  and really, i couldn't be happier.  i told jay as we walked away that i am happy, even if it's busy but it means they are here, healthy, and living this life...and really we couldn't ask for more.  because, quite simply it is enough.

enough...resting in all that jesus has blessed our life with.  knowing that the spring brings renewal and hope...and believing that he is enough.

happy 5th birthday blake & ethan...

happy birthday sweet boys!

incredibly hard to believe that it's your 5th birthday...thankful that you are a part of our lives, that you have left your tiny fingerprints all over our hearts is something we cherish.

your cousin camryn wore a blake and ethan necklace to school so you would be close to her on your birthday.  she loves you so.  your cousin wyatt wishes you were here to play with and be boys with.  he misses you.

but, above all we are thankful that you are a part of our lives.  we love your family much and we continue to choose joy with them and hope for the day when we will all be together...

we love you...

uncle jason.auntie dana.camryn.wyatt

unintended consequences...

i remember wondering how much of camryn's journey wyatt was really soaking in.  i mean he was just a newborn baby through her first transplant and then just 2 1/2 through her second.  tonight, i realized he soaked it all in....

camryn's sick, she has a flu bug...she's got a bit of a fever and is having an upset stomach which has led to her throwing up a couple times.  tonight while camryn was feeling horrible, wyatt ran to his room and started crying.  jason went to get him and through the tears streaming down his face he said, "i hate when camryn is sick".  

we talked him through it and he admitted that he gets scared, so scared that she'll be taken to the hospital and she will be gone a long time.  as he said, "i'll miss my sissy".  

sissy...

i've never heard him call camryn sissy before, but i know it's his term of endearment.  his sissy cannot be sick, she just can't because in his mind the snowball starts rolling and there's no turning back.

he recovered and is okay now, but for a moment through his tears i cried my own.  it is rare that wyatt shows the depth of his feelings of camryn being sick, but tonight when it showed itself it hurt so much.  because it is the unintended consequence.  this is not meant to be...his little heart does not need to carry this weight but it does.

i am hopeful a time will come when camryn being sick is just camryn being sick...there's no other feeling of is this it?  is the shoe going to drop?  is she really okay?

i mean it is an odd reality to find comfort in the fact that other kids in her class are battling the flu, "passing it around" as camryn's teacher put it.  odd isn't it?  i find solace in other children's illnesses.  weird that i breath better knowing she isn't the only one.

but, to a little boy i wonder if there will ever be a day that he won't worry about his sissy.  quite honestly the person who means the most to him in the entire world...

praying for his little heart and for camryn that whatever she is battling she fights off, just like she's done time and time before.

it's that month...

yep, it's that month...

the month over the past seven years has held some of the hardest moments of my life...

* seven years ago leukemia reared its ugly head and wrecked havoc on our lives.

* five years ago my dad struggled with his heart and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.

* four years ago relapse became a reality and another bone marrow transplant loomed

* three years ago i lost one of the greatest woman i've ever known, my aunt frankie.

it's a rough month on my heart...

and yet, this morning in worship i was reminded...

you are stronger

you are stronger

sin is broken

you have saved me

it is written

Christ is risen

Jesus you are Lord of all

and today i will rest...rest in my Savior who is stronger. 

{seven years}

the words seem to be escaping me...i had in my mind thought about this post for a while, as i use this blog to mark time for myself (and fill the few readers left in with some of our life).

it's been seven years tomorrow.  seven years since our world came crashing down around us.  seven years since i felt kicked in the stomach so hard, that it left a knot.  a permanent knot that even to this day, oh heck even in this moment i still feel.  the word leukemia became part of our vocabulary...i hate that word.

i can still vividly remember saying bye to my friend t as i left work to take camryn to the doctor.  i left my desk in disarray, no sub plans on my desk, no what if it's more than just an easy fix...i'd be back tomorrow and all would be well.  but, it wasn't.

sometimes i'd like to go back to that person i was...the person who didn't know this pain, who didn't know these realities, the person who viewed life through such different eyes.  but, i can't.

so much has changed in seven years...so.much.

i'm not the same person i was.  jason is not the same.  camryn is not the same.  the only person who might be unscathed is wyatt, but let's be honest his world has been shattered before too.  so, we're all in process...we're all living our lives daily in His hands.  we're not perfect, we don't have this whole parent of a child with cancer thing figured out.  not even sure you can.

the other day i cried and cried with jason and it all came rushing back.  the anger that some things are so dang hard for camryn.  the hurt that there are things that cannot be repaired or replaced.  just the sadness of it all.

but, then there's camryn.

of all the hurt i've felt magnify it a million times over and maybe, just maybe that would be a glimpse of what her heart feels.  i'm wrestling with the reality that camryn knows...she knows that her life is different.  she knows that there is a different reality to her.  she knows the journey.  and she knows the fear.  

but, the best part...

it does not change who she is.  she is the best 8 year old around.  she is talented, smart, funny, compassionate, loving, and just the best thing ever.  my heart cannot contain the love that i feel for her.  she teaches me daily what it means to live life to the fullest, and live life loving Jesus every step of the way.

she teaches me.

and really that is the best gift of the past seven years.  that camryn is here, she is here teaching her momma's heart how to love God more, how to trust Him more, how to live by faith more.

how to be more.

how to take the garbage and the beauty of the last seven years and make it more than that.  handing it over to hands bigger than mine to mold it, shape it, and redeem it.  

oh there will be tears of joy and sadness...but, either way it's a life lived day by day in His hands...holding on to hers.  

we love you camryn lee and are ever so thankful that you're here...continually telling the story that Jesus is greater, and He is good.

and i leave you with this...a song by chris tomlin on his new album burning lights.

Sovereign

 

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you