{seven years}

the words seem to be escaping me...i had in my mind thought about this post for a while, as i use this blog to mark time for myself (and fill the few readers left in with some of our life).

it's been seven years tomorrow.  seven years since our world came crashing down around us.  seven years since i felt kicked in the stomach so hard, that it left a knot.  a permanent knot that even to this day, oh heck even in this moment i still feel.  the word leukemia became part of our vocabulary...i hate that word.

i can still vividly remember saying bye to my friend t as i left work to take camryn to the doctor.  i left my desk in disarray, no sub plans on my desk, no what if it's more than just an easy fix...i'd be back tomorrow and all would be well.  but, it wasn't.

sometimes i'd like to go back to that person i was...the person who didn't know this pain, who didn't know these realities, the person who viewed life through such different eyes.  but, i can't.

so much has changed in seven years...so.much.

i'm not the same person i was.  jason is not the same.  camryn is not the same.  the only person who might be unscathed is wyatt, but let's be honest his world has been shattered before too.  so, we're all in process...we're all living our lives daily in His hands.  we're not perfect, we don't have this whole parent of a child with cancer thing figured out.  not even sure you can.

the other day i cried and cried with jason and it all came rushing back.  the anger that some things are so dang hard for camryn.  the hurt that there are things that cannot be repaired or replaced.  just the sadness of it all.

but, then there's camryn.

of all the hurt i've felt magnify it a million times over and maybe, just maybe that would be a glimpse of what her heart feels.  i'm wrestling with the reality that camryn knows...she knows that her life is different.  she knows that there is a different reality to her.  she knows the journey.  and she knows the fear.  

but, the best part...

it does not change who she is.  she is the best 8 year old around.  she is talented, smart, funny, compassionate, loving, and just the best thing ever.  my heart cannot contain the love that i feel for her.  she teaches me daily what it means to live life to the fullest, and live life loving Jesus every step of the way.

she teaches me.

and really that is the best gift of the past seven years.  that camryn is here, she is here teaching her momma's heart how to love God more, how to trust Him more, how to live by faith more.

how to be more.

how to take the garbage and the beauty of the last seven years and make it more than that.  handing it over to hands bigger than mine to mold it, shape it, and redeem it.  

oh there will be tears of joy and sadness...but, either way it's a life lived day by day in His hands...holding on to hers.  

we love you camryn lee and are ever so thankful that you're here...continually telling the story that Jesus is greater, and He is good.

and i leave you with this...a song by chris tomlin on his new album burning lights.

Sovereign

 

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you