{normal}...

Could it be that our lives are becoming more and more normal?

I find that as the days pass there is less and less to blog about...maybe it's just that I'm really tired most days when I finally find my way to the couch. And honestly, it's a lot more relaxing to just sit and chat with Jason then try to find words, that just don't seem to come.

When this journey first began day to day life was full of ups and downs; and now life is evening out. There aren't as many ups and downs daily, moment by moment...life is beginning to be dare I say it? Normal.

This past week was incredibly loooong...Jason and Camryn started back to school, which helped us find our routine again. We had a lot going on which makes for quick days, but for some reason this week just seemed to be moving in slow motion. I had a really busy week at work, it's almost finals so that means lots of work in my teaching world and even more work in my dean world with students being emotionally stressed out. Work continues to go well...after about 5 years of all sorts of working situations, this year finally feels settled for me. My heart feels connected and it feels as if I have allowed myself to settle in...don't feel like I'm waiting for it all to fall apart again.

Camryn had a good first week back at school. I had to call her teacher to ask for an extension form as Camryn will not be going to school this year...we knew this, but at the beginning of the year her doctors thought she maybe could. But, that's not to be...so we have to get all her forms filled out to continue her schooling through LAUSD. When I called her teacher and explained that Camryn would in fact finish out the school year with Carlson (her school), her teacher was so excited! She was thrilled that she would get to spend the rest of the year with Cam...my heart smiled.

I remember when all of this schooling stuff just ripped my heart in two...and I remember praying that the Lord would open doors for Camryn to have great teachers and just a wonderful situation. And you know what? School has been amazing for Camryn...her teachers are incredible blessings for which we are very thankful! Even though this time of year is hard with registration for school happening and such I found great comfort in the excitement of her teacher...

Oh I do so hope by September Camryn will get the green light to attend school and Wyatt too for that matter...but that's a hope I can't let get the best of me, it hurts and yet I'm hopeful.

We got to hang out with Jason's sister's family who were here visiting from Colorado...we had a great time! Camryn and Wyatt thoroughly enjoyed seeing James, Tori, and Jackson...and Auntie Heather and Uncle Nick too! We had a family dinner last Sunday and it was a lot of fun...lots of noise, lots of playing, and lots of family. It was a very special time...one that we cherish even more so because we were all there. They came by Tuesday to say "good - bye", Camryn was very sad...she still is. Oh how she misses her cousins...but she cannot wait until this summer when we road-trip-it to Colorado to visit!

Things are really good these days...oh I have my moments, but with February coming I am happy to say I'm doing well. February is always my dreaded month, but for the first time since I started hating February I am not as aware of all the hurt as I once was. Yes, it is still there. But, I guess in some ways I am beginning to reconcile it all or maybe just let it go. Either way my heart is healing in ways.

You need to know the cross is not just the starting line. It's the very centerpiece of your story with God. It's the place where the pain of "you will have trouble" meets the triumph of "I have defeated the world". ~ Pete Wilson, Plan B

And that is where my healing is found...

Trouble came, it's here, and to a degree it will continue to be. But, the cross is that which holds my story with God...the pain and the triumph. There is no doubt that pain is here, some days more than others, and thankfully less days than before. It hurts. But, the triumph...the beauty, the story, the peace, the calm, the redeeming love. Yes, even in the pain the triumph comes...

Some days are normal, some are painful...

But all are in triumph; holding dearly to the cross on which my Jesus died.

story told...

Our family was asked awhile ago to share our story in chapel at Village...well, today was the day.

We intentionally picked today so Camryn would be able to join us so it did not conflict with her school schedule. We all were there...Jason, Camryn, and Wyatt joined me at Village. Jason and I had been kicking around ideas for awhile about how to best capture our families story of the past almost five years and convey what we wanted to say...what we have learned.

If you remember the montage we made for Light the Night...I reworked it a bit and we showed that so that the students would have a visual, a framework for our story. I will admit I can't hardly watch the montage without tears filling my eyes and today was no different. As I watched the pictures fade in and out my heart was full, full of memories and thoughts.

After the montage we showed two short video clips of Camryn & Wyatt answering questions...they were great, so cute, and so real. Wyatt's was especially funny, because he is quite a funny boy at times. I smiled as I watched the clips, struggling to really believe that my kids are as old as they are.

Jason then shared about the feeling of losing control he felt throughout Camryn's journey. Having to hand his little girl over and trusting that the Lord would hold her and take care of her...He did great. And again I was so amazed at the man I married...over and over I am amazed at him and his love for his family and his faith in God.

I went next and shared that my Plan A of life was shattered and I have been walking in Plan B and I don't like it, it's not fair, and really as much as I would like it to change it never will. I shared about my sweet Jackie & Heather coming to visit me when Camryn was first sick and asking me a question that plays over and over in my head..."Are you mad at God?" Answering that question that I wasn't, I didn't understand then and I really don't now; but I know that this story breaks God's heart even more than it has broken mine.

We are all living in a Plan B of sorts...life never has completely gone like we've planned it. Unfortunately, some of us have had catastrophic things alter the course of life and our lives never recover to what was.

And as I was driving to work the song played, "How He Loves..." and really that is what our story has taught me over and over...

Dana,
You are hurt, you are broken, you will never be the same and I love you still. I always have loved you and I always will. My heart hurts for yours and I will make this story beautiful, I will restore it, I will redeem it, and I will continue to gently whisper in the midst of the storm...I love you.

And sometimes my heart needs that story told to it time and time again.

nineteen...

Wow...nineteen months have pasted since one of the hardest, yet most exciting days of our lives - Camryn's transplant.

It has been quite a ride since June of 2009 and it's hard to believe we are now less than six months away from two years. I think in a way we are still holding our breath...Camryn made it to 28 months before relapse. Really she was relapsing throughout the fall, but it wasn't until February that it was confirmed. Honestly, I think we will hold our breath until we get to June and really probably (for sure) will hold our breath for the days to come.

Our lives are becoming less and less defined by leukemia, but it is never far away. And really that is the hardest part. As much as life moves on, the realities never get too far way and it is hard. Down right difficult to navigate at times.

Right now we are excited to see what 2011 holds for our family...feels a bit surreal to be excited for the future. It surely has taken us awhile to get to this point. The Lord is continually healing some deep hurts, hurts that seem to reoccur when we least expect them. Sometimes the hurt hits me in waves and I'm never quite sure when they will subside...and then other times it is as if this has always been our life.

February will mark five years...a lump in my throat. So many thoughts, so many fears, so many memories that I wish I knew how to handle better. But, for today I know that my Savior's love is sufficient for me. That he is writing this story and in as much as it is my Plan B it is my life...our life.

Slowly, but surely I am coming to grips with the realities that this is our life...that I am not watching it from afar, although for a long time that is exactly what I was doing. Now, I am trying to live this life...embrace the good, the bad, and everything in between. Because if there is anything my sweet Camryn has taught me it is to live...

Live with everything, give everything, and believe...

Believe that it is good, beautiful, and a life worth living.

And I am thankful...thankful for 19 months and hopeful for so many more.

new year's eve...

Our New Year's tradition (well, two years running) is to head to our friends the Aust's home for some New Year fun. We ate lots of food, the kids played and played, the guys watched the Laker game, the girls chatted and helped with the various costume changes of the girls...

We had such fun! We did an east coast New Year's at 9:00, but I think the kids might have been able to wait until midnight...they were excited! The Austs provided noise makers, hats, beads, poppers, and a balloon drop...it was quite a festive night.

christmas day...

Camryn was the first one up on Christmas morning, which in our house is rare...she is usually the last one up, always. Guess not on Christmas! She could not wait to wake up her brother...



And they could not wait to see what Santa had left for them...scooters! They were SO excited...they were anxious to try them out!



Here's Wyatt trying out his scooter in the house...and Camryn wearing her Mulan dress.



Another outfit change for Camryn...Jasmine now.



After our fun Christmas morning we headed to Grandpa & Grandma Mikels' house for our Mikels Christmas...we had a lot of fun! Camryn, Wyatt, Riley, and Peighton enjoyed all their fun gifts and just playing and playing together...



Aren't these kids cute? We sure missed Uncle Nick, Auntie Heather, James, Tori, and Jackson...we cannot wait to see you soon!



As a family we enjoyed the day and like my sister-in-law Devon I didn't take too many pictures...guess we truly were just enjoying the day! It was an amazing day...we certainly enjoy time with our family and being together.



Trying to get the pajama shot...Wyatt was having a melt-down and Peighton was showing us her crawling tricks, so you can see we were working with these two cute girls...



Hope you all had a blessed Christmas and enjoyed time with your family and friends...thankful for the season, the time that life just pauses for a bit to enjoy the many gifts given to us.

Merry Christmas...

christmas eve...

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, if I'm honest ever since I was little I have always enjoyed the beauty, the traditions, and the spirit of Christmas Eve. We went to my parents' house in the afternoon for a good old-fashioned Southern meal and family time. A family tradition has always been going to the Christmas Eve service at church, I remember when I was little sitting with my cousins and whispering about what presents we hoped we get later that evening. We enjoyed the service, the candles, and the time together.



These two thoroughly enjoyed Christmas Eve...of course they were very excited to open presents, but they really enjoyed heading to church and celebrating Jesus' birthday!



Me and my girl...love this little face.



After presents and lots of food the kids enjoyed time with their cousins Caleb, Josh, and Makenna...this is Josh showing Wyatt and Camryn how to play the game. The kids love their older cousins so much, they love time spent with them and it just made Christmas all the better!



When we got home Camryn and Wyatt left their note for Santa and headed to bed...



Christmas Eve was a blessed day spent with family and celebrating an amazing gift...it's amazing sharing the day and evening with the kids as they get older. They begin to understand more and more the amazing gift of Jesus...and really that's gift enough.

"perfect place"...

Camryn's "holiday" visit to clinic was today, this visit is becoming our annual family visit. We all go...Camryn, Wyatt, Jason and me. Camryn likes it this way, she loves when we all go with her...after all UCLA is truly her place.

We headed out bright and early. Wyatt was not very happy about getting up before 7, but if we want to beat the traffic and the clinic crowd then we have to leave our house by 7. Thankfully, traffic was not bad at all especially with the rain...but, we realized that UCLA is out on winter break so we did not have the usual commuter traffic. I think we made it down in record time...it was fantastic!

Wish I could say the same for our clinic visit...it always takes awhile to get in and settled and then we wait for Camryn's NP to come see us first and then we wait for the doctor. Since Wyatt was with us Camryn loved showing him all the in's and out's of her life at UCLA. They hung out in the Hemonc playroom, watched a video, and read a few books. We got to see B, Camryn's NP...she said Camryn's scalp looked much better. Over the past couple months we have been dealing with dry skin issues on Camryn's scalp...it was getting pretty bad, but last month the doctors suggested a special shampoo and since we started it, her scalp is better. It was nice to have confirmation by the doctors that her scalp did in fact look a lot better. The other skin issue Camryn's battles is the remnants of her GVH rash...but, again it was confirmed that the rash is not getting worse in fact it is getting better.

We got to see Dr.M today which was fun, Camryn laughed and laughed with Dr.M while he checked her eyes, mouth, ears, and listened to her heart. Dr.M said that Camryn is doing perfectly. In fact he said that she is in the...

"PERFECT PLACE"

Dr.M reminded us that from the beginning they wanted to induce GVH to give Camryn's immune system a boost, a jolt if you will. And that's what has happened...the plan has worked "perfectly". Dr.M is very pleased with Camryn, she has done everything within her power to be well...take her medicines, eat, gain weight, and really believe that she can fight this. He decided to continue the wean of Camryn's tacrolimus, she's down to .3. Hurray! The only thing that would change this would be if Camryn's liver enzymes were too high, but they would call after her labs came in. Jason and I both were so hopeful that the wean would stick if you will...that slowly but surely Camryn would get to the less meds, or dare we even say it no more meds.

We said our good - bye's and headed to make our appointment for next year...Camryn thought that meant a looong time from now. But, really just January 2011. :) We went to say hello to Nurse Charlotte and pass along some Christmas treats. Camryn loves her family at UCLA...we are truly blessed by their love, care, and support for her.

Later this evening we got Camryn's labs and as B said "they look great!". Camryn's labs are nice and strong, much the same as last month. And her liver enzymes? One a little high, the other in normal range. Yay! So, the wean continues!

We are thankful for Camryn's perfect place...it has taken a lot to get to this point. Of course sometimes, most of the time really I wish this wasn't Camryn's story; but it is. There is no escaping it...but I am thankful for the moments like today when I am reminded that all is not in vain. That Camryn is making progress, be it slow...but, we knew that this time around would be much slower, much more conservative and really that's okay. Camryn is well...she is healthy...she looks and acts like any other six-year-old. And we love it...

We love this perfect place.

And who doesn't love a few pictures...many thanks cousin Riley for introducing Camryn & Wyatt to footie pajamas, they love them! :)









Hope you are all enjoying a wonderful Christmas season!