kindergarten, really? *gulp*

This past Tuesday Wyatt had his appointment to test for his readiness for kindergarten. I had thought, really Jason and I had thought that we would put Wyatt in pre-K to give him some time to "get his feet wet" in this new environment of school. Honestly, we have been a bit anxious about Wyatt going to school ever since he was born...you see Wyatt has lived in a very small world, extremely small. His social interactions are really limited, he has never been to pre-school, never even sat in a Sunday school class or VBS. He has had zero contact with a structured, organized, classroom type of environment. We just did not know how he would do and the last thing in the world we wanted to do was overwhelm him!

We arrived in the Elementary Office and waited to be taken to the kindergarten testing room...as we waited Wyatt was getting more and more anxious. I was beginning to wonder was this just the worst idea? But, then a familiar face came in Miss E...she sat down and began chatting with Wyatt. You know Elementary teachers are just one gifted group! After a minute we were ready to head to the kindergarten area...off we went.

As we walked Wyatt was doing great, but I was prepared if a melt-down occurred...we walked into Room 3 and he said hello to Mrs. D and Mrs. V and off he went. I went in Room 4 and filled out a questionnaire to pass the time. About 10 minutes in Mrs. V came in and we chatted...most of the teachers are friends, they know our story and they all cannot wait to see Camryn and Wyatt come to school. As we chatted a little face emerged and he had a smile. I knew he survived. I went and talked with Mrs. D who said that Wyatt was more than ready for kindergarten. *gulp* Jason and I had figured pre-K, but Mrs. D and Mrs. V felt pre-K might not be challenging enough. Mrs. D's recommendation was the 4 week summer school prep class to let Wyatt get his feet wet and then enroll him in kindergarten.

As we walked to the car and I held his hand I wondered what his first days of school would be like...was my baby boy ready?

I guess if I'm honest I've always been a bit hesitant to let go of Wyatt. It all started long ago in a procedure center at Cedars-Sinai when we were discussing a baby that was coming...and now I'm beginning to process letting a baby go. I have watched Wyatt be wheeled away on a gurney and I have kissed him good-bye to go be with his sister. I have always counted him younger than he truly is...I guess because in a way I felt that his growing up was always shadowed by Camryn's being sick. So in accepting Wyatt going to school I also have to accept that my baby will be five and he is no longer a little toddler/pre-schooler, but rather a growing boy. I really would love to freeze time...

In some ways I love Camryn getting older because it means that she is getting better and better and living. And yet I hate Wyatt getting older because it means that our "baby" days are leaving us. And really I have never felt I ever truly got to enjoy Camryn's pre-school years or Wyatt's either...there are some things leukemia took and it will never be given back.

But, I am excited...

Excited to see our little guy blossom into his own person...one not in his sister's shadow, but on his own. To experience something for the first time without his sister with him. To create a place of his own. To be Wyatt Mikels not just Camryn's little brother.

It's hard being a sibling of a ill child...it is hard walking in the shadow of a big sister who has gone through so much. And I am thrilled for Wyatt to step out of the shadow in to a world all his own.

****

Today signed his paper work and his is officially enrolled...yikes! It is real.

I wish Camryn was going to school too, I am sad not to have a packet for her as well. And when I go to the uniform sale on Wednesday it will be hard not to "shop" for her too, I've always done their things in twos. Now it is separate and it feels odd. And it is a bit sad.

I know the Lord has big plans for Wyatt at school, I know he will be just fine, but there is a part of my heart that is having a very hard time letting go. He's always been my healthy one...and I guess in a way I've always sheltered him so that he would stay that way (a confession), but now I have to let him live and let him go as much as it scares me too.

The Lord weaved a story so deep and wrote a love so strong when He blessed my life with Wyatt. He met my deepest sadness with one of my greatest joys...and now I will begin to ready him for school all the while praying that the Lord continues to hold him as Wyatt makes a world on his own. And Camryn waits patiently for her turn.