I read this the other day...
"Please forgive the wrongdoing of this people out of the extravagance of your loyal love just as all along, from the time they left Egypt, you have been forgiving this people."
God said, "I forgive them, honoring your words. But as I live and as the Glory of God fills the whole Earth - not a single person of those who saw my Glory, saw the miracle signs I did in Egypt and the wilderness, and who have tested me over and over and over again, turning a deaf ear to me - not one of them will set eyes on the land I so solemnly promised to their ancestors. No one who has treated me with such repeated contempt will see it
"But my servant Caleb - this is a different story. He has a different spirit; he follows me passionately. I'll bring him into the land that he scouted and his children will inherit it." ~ Numbers 14:19-24 The Message
To set the scene the Lord has brought His children out of Egypt and they are at the Jordan River ready to cross into Canaan, the Promised Land....they send 12 spies in and 10 come back saying in essence there is no way we can conquer that land, but 2 men stand firm in their belief in the God of their forefathers...Caleb and Joshua. As a consequence of Israel's unbelief they wandered the desert for forty years all the while God promising to Caleb and Joshua that they would experience the great promise...and they did.
Having grown up in church and attended a Christian school and university; I have heard this story countless times, but this time in this place, with these words something caused me to pause. The words are so simple you almost miss them...a different story. That God found in Caleb a difference something that stood out different than the rest. And that difference, spirit, passion. A different spirit...a passionate heart.
Wow...
As those words have mulled over in my heart the past few days I have wondered what would the Lord say about me? Am I writing a different story with my life? Am I following Him passionately, with a different spirit?
What is it about us women that creates such a desperate need in us to always "know," to always "understand"? We want an itinerary for our life, and when God doesn't immediately produce on, we set out to write our own. "I need to know," we tell ourselves. "No," God answers softly, "you need to trust."
Does he care? You'd better believe it!
...rest assured, God will answer. He longs to reveal his love to you. But you won't find it by shaking your fist in his face. You won't find it by barging into his presence and demanding to be treated fairly. You'll find it by sitting at his feet and remembering who he is.
Emmanuel. God with us.
He knows the journey is difficult. He knows life is rarely fair. Jesus fought the same frigid winds of distraction, discouragement, and doubt that keep us from knowing God's love. But like the Father, he longs to gather us is his arms. He longs to trade the flimsy blankets of our own self-sufficiency for his all-sufficiency. The Lord Jesus invites us to cast our doubts, our fears and anxiety upon him, to discover how much he really does care.
Trust me, my child, he whispers. I have your ultimate good in mind. ~ Joanna Weaver taken from Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World
The story that is written can either be written by me and quite frankly I know I'm not a very good writer; or it can be written by Him. I struggle with all of this, I really do. Life has in no way turned out the way I envisioned it, this is no where near what I thought it would be. For the past almost four years there have been demons and doubts and flat out despair. It is hard to reconcile a God who absolutely loves us with the circumstances of this world.
Because we all have circumstances that are less than stellar, we are all dealing with the things of this world...and yet we all are called and asked to accept His love for us. His love for these broken vessels that we occupy so much of our time on...these hearts that we don't feel are big enough to really let go. Because if I truly let go, if I truly let the Lord have his and just get out of the way....oh what could happen?
I long for a different story...a story that is written by Him. A story of passion, of loving Him in all of this; the good, the bad all of it. And His voice whispers in my heart....
"I know Dana...I know you are scared...I know you are tired...I know you are disappointed...I know you are discouraged...I know you doubt. Knowing all this and more I love you still...and I always will. Rest in me, rest in my unbelievable love for you...yes, this life is hurtful and I know you have had hurts that are just unfair. But trust me...I have cried tears too, because I love you."
So I don't know where my story is going. I always gulp when I see February on a calendar...yes, these next few weeks are full of memories and frankly they are hard.
But I am hoping in the weeks, months to come that a different story will be written on my heart...
1 comment:
i think its hard too because we know the story isn't always happy and fun...sometimes its down right miserable and tough. but through it all, he carries us...and for me, thats what i hold on too...
knowing the "you know what" can hit the fan at any time but he will still be there. no matter what the story is...
praying though that your story to come would hold more happy than sad...hoping for that...
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