really?...thankful

So today (Thursday) is one of those days that a parent of a child who has had cancer and a bone marrow transplant just wants to scream...

The day started out well...and then I got an email from a prayer chain group from a local church that my Aunt is a part of that a little three year old boy, who has been battling leukemia went home to Jesus this morning. My heart just aches, an ache unlike any other...news like this just stops me in my tracks, makes me just sad, frustrated and thankful all at once. I am thankful for the family who know the Lord and can rest in Him and He will hold them throughout the moments ahead. For the grace that He will lavish on them in the days, weeks, months ahead...

After I got off work I headed down to UCLA to pick up Camryn's cyclosporin. Grabbed some lunch on the go, then stopped by Jason's work to pick up Camryn's parking permit and off I went. Traffic wasn't too bad and I was hopeful that I would be home shortly...

Went to the pharmacy and was told that there was an insurance problem and that they would have to call and get it figured out. So between the pharmacy and Camryn's nurse practitioner they called and I waited...walked around outside the hospital, went by the gift shop, played with my cell phone...all the while a knot was in my stomach. I do so love the UCLA medical center, I love the precious doctors and nurses who have cared for my sweet girl and my sweet boy throughout this; but today I just was having a hard time being there. I guess it was a trigger of sorts and I was just hanging on by a thread. After awhile I headed back to the pharmacy and was told that my insurance wanted us to take the prescription to a *speciality* pharmacy and they would not cover it at the UCLA pharmacy. What?! I was beyond weary and just ready to cry...my daughter has to have this med. Thankfully we aren't completely out of it yet, but regardless I was just so tired. I took the presciption and said thank you to the very kind, sweet gentlemen who was helping me figure this out, he was as baffled by it as I was and still am.

By this time the afternoon was escaping quickly...I walked to my car and the tears were forming. My weary heart was just so tried...sometimes I just don't understand this journey. Sometimes I'm just ready to have a good cry and let it out...because this journey gets so very heavy on a person's heart.

As I drove home in tears...follow a path I drove over and over again for the months of arsenic treatment and then for the weeks Camryn was in the hospital the tears just flowed...

Camryn is doing really well...and we have some super wonderful days, but then there are days like today when the reality of cancer, leukemia and bone marrow transplant cannot be escaped.

It is now Friday...took a break from the post as I was just having a hard time finding the words...it seems that there are days when the realities are just so present and then days like today...

Today I have Camryn's meds in hand and all is well and figured out with that. So thankful for great doctors and nurses who make it possible to get a hold of them and figure this stuff out. I am forever blessed by them!

We've had a good day today...Camryn did not have school so she, Wyatt and my parents went on an adventure this morning that entailed feeding some local peacocks from the car. I promise that my kids are growing up with some of the greatest, grandest adventures thanks to my mom and dad...who daily watch them, I am forever grateful.

The anticipation of tomorrow night is upon our house...Camryn decided to be Alice in Wonderland and Wyatt decided to be Tyrone from The Backyardigans. So...the build up is great...they are super, super excited! As I've said before that Camryn has a way about her to live life to the fullest...she cherishes any social event she has and tomorrow night is one that has been circled on the calendar!

In other very exciting news...our niece Peighton Hope who many of you have been praying for is coming home from the NICU today! We are so thankful, excited, grateful, happy, oh the list could go on forever! What a gift she is...a long awaited gift!

Yesterday was hard...today was good. This is the ebb and flow of life, especially life as a parent and a child surviving cancer trusting the Lord to see us through the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.

And He does...