october...

When the calendar turned on Thursday I caught myself thinking "What ifs?...

October 20th marks three years since Camryn's first bone marrow transplant...I had hoped we would be going to Disneyland to celebrate another Happy Birthday of sorts like we did last year, but that is not to be. I had hoped that we would have a team in the Leukemia Society's Light the Night walk like we did last year, but that is not to be. I had hoped that we would celebrate various benchmarks throughout October building until the 20th, because in my heart of heart I never thought Camryn would have another transplant...another date on the calendar.

When Camryn relapsed in February I wondered if the dates in October would be as full of meaning as they once were? Would all the meaning now shift to June of 2009 and leave October of 2006? The answer simply is no.

As I look at the October calendar my heart can't help but see the various struggles of a month three years ago. I cannot help but remember that Wyatt was not even a month old when Camryn was admitted and we started our first (and I hoped last) divided journey of a family of four. I remember tears and tears holding my less than one month old son and handing him to my mom, Jason's mom, my aunt in order that I would be able to go spend time with Camryn. Yes, this month is full of meaning and memories, and that is no way to escape them.

For as much as we moved on from October of 2006, to her first 100 days, to 300 days, to a year and then two years...we find ourselves right back there in so many ways.

This week has been a rough one on me...I am finding it very difficult to settle into my new routine and schedule. I know I should be thankful that things have worked out like they have, and believe me I am thankful. But, this sudden shift in routines and rhythm is really a struggle for me. I find myself so divided and pulled here there and everywhere that I really don't feel like there is a peace to life right now. My calendar feels very empty and yet very full...I know it is the isolated life is really starting to settle in.

Camryn has really struggled this week with missing people...she just longs for her friends. She longs to go to Sunday School and see the people she abruptly left...she is lonely and I don't blame her. I am too. She is tired of Mommy and Daddy. She is tired of us being her social friends, of doing everything with us and she is just a bit sick of all of this. I don't blame her. I am too. Developmentally she is read to spread her wings and make new friends and have a life outside of me and Jason, I get that. I see little Kindergarten students and think "yes, Camryn is there." She wants a world of her own...she wants play dates, birthday party invitations, she wants tag on the playground...she wants it all. But that is not to be.

So as we navigate another October three years after the first one we realize that inasmuch as everything has changed, nothing has really change. We are learning how to make the most of what is in front of us and really there is only so much you can do. We try to find ways to give her space and let her be 5...and the fact that we have to figure all this out gets maddening for me. You know how badly I would love to drop her off at a friends house to play? Or watch her go to Sunday School and chat with the other little girls?

But that is not to be.

Physically Camryn is doing well...really far as the nuts and bolts of transplant she is doing great. So when people ask how she is doing the answer is well. But, the other stuff...the stuff that no one sees. Well, her heart is broken and I had so hoped October of 2009 would be completely different for her...

Guess I'm just left to wonder when is enough, enough?