day +145..."best possible place...

...to be." ~ Dr.M

If you have to be somewhere and really wherever you are isn't your choosing; then I guess it is good to be at the best place. As of right now Camryn really, truly is at the *best* possible place...

Camryn headed down to clinic today dressed in her fall attire, pumpkin shirt, complete with a candy corn hair clip...yep, she looked cute! Camryn and Jason got to clinic and from what I understand it was quite a chaotic day...lots of people there trying to get the H1N1 vaccine and many people were being turned away as the most critical were first in line.

Camryn saw Dr.M today and I am thankful...Dr.M just puts my heart at ease, he is truly one of the greatest blessings throughout this journey. Dr.M said that Camryn looked great, all was clear (ears, eyes, throat)...rash was not spreading and not getting worse, but still visible. Dr.M said that he wanted Camryn to get the H1N1 vaccine, prior her doctors had said there was not enough research to support the vaccine, especially for their hematology/oncology children; but now the research is in and it is highly recommended for a hem/oc child. He went on to say that he fully supports the research as well...as if Camryn's system were to encounter the H1N1 virus she would not have enough antibodies to fight it off. Therefore she got the vaccine and is doing fine so far. I will admit this cold/flu season has me worried, there just seems to be so much out there; but knowing Camryn is under the care of her doctors who fully understand and care about her immuno suppression makes me breath a bit easier.

Camryn's labs continue to look great...in fact they are fabulous! We never tire of nice high numbers, they are never a given, nor are they taken for granted. We love seeing Camryn's numbers on paper...just to smile and think she's doing well and for right now that is enough. Dr.M explained that Camryn's high labs coupled with the GVH she is experiencing is really putting her at the best possible place. In essence it is the GVH that will *cure* the leukemia...as Dr.M told Jason today. Inasmuch as the GVH drives me nuts, the steroids are making me crazy, the rash is not fun...we know that the GVH seems to hold the key. I really think if Camryn had high numbers without GVH her doctors would be getting worried...starting to wonder...relapse? The GVH is what kills any, all, and every leukemia cell or any other cell that does not belong in her body...so we'll take it. As we know this will not be forever...

Day +145...can you believe Camryn has been home for 120 days? Seems so unreal and yet so wonderful all rolled into one. We continually find ourselves in awe of the strength of our sweet girl, her determination, her understanding...and her spirit. Today when she left I had tears in my eyes watching Jason's truck pull out of the driveway...I wish this was not her reality, but it is and some days, okay a lot of days I hate it. But, Camryn continually goes about what she needs to, moment by moment and with a quiet strength that can only come from her Heavenly Father she pushes through. Jason said she was all talkative and chatty at clinic saying hi to everyone and just so much more herself. I'm beginning to think the steroids were pulling a number on her emotions too...so it's nice to have bits and pieces of her more consistently.

For everything that Camryn's been through and what it has meant for her and our family it's hard to really wrap our minds around it...we would love to see a new chapter beginning soon...we would love to have this chapter of leukemia, two transplants, weeks of hospital life, broken dreams, letting go, isolation behind us; but that is not to be...

Yet...for I believe and know that one day there will be a new chapter, even today is a new chapter. Maybe the Lord is really teaching me not to look at life as a series of chapters, events, seasons; but rather moments, days, minutes. I'm not sure we will ever have a non-cancer chapter in our families story, I don't think it possible for it to ever be gone...but I do know that there are days, moments, minutes when cancer does not define us and those days are becoming more in number.

Maybe we have a long way to go of doctors appointments, isolation, six medicines a day, shots, line changes, lab draws...but maybe the chapter never closes completely as we are changed...

After night
comes the light
dawn is here
dawn is here
it’s a new day
it’s a new day
everything will change
things will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same
we will never be the same

~ David Crowder Band

Because the night comes every day and the dawn comes every day...so maybe our *chapter* is a new one daily. Because it is a new day....

Everything has changed and will change...we are not the same, nor will we ever be...

And maybe in the light of HIM that is the best possible place to be.