Today I walked back through my classroom door...it is the beginning of putting the pieces of life back together. All summer long I've had the nagging thought that I need to go to my classroom to take the first steps in getting my feet wet again so to speak. I walked out of my room on a February day and really never came back...
Today I walked through that door again...and it was hard. I was stunned as I sat at my desk and looked around at things...my calendar, planner, papers all stopped in February. It was surreal, as if life just stopped and now I'm piecing it back together.
Jason and the kids went with me as moral support of sorts and I'm glad they did. I think tears would have flowed had they not been there providing some distraction. Tonight as Jason and I were talking I said that with work I can be objective, get the tasks done and move forward...
But with the coming of a new school year...
I have to let go...
I have mentioned it before, but really in the last two weeks letting go of Camryn going to school has really taken shape. I've mulled over it, cried through it, even found myself talking through it...and I've found that part of the struggle is that Kindergarten was my "it" moment. When Camryn first was diagnosed with leukemia and came through her first transplant well...school was always the moment. It was it! School became the longing moment that would signal that all was well...we had moved ahead, Camryn could return to normal and do what kids do.
And now...I'm letting that go.
And quite honestly I think it's more than school, it's about not ever getting to an "it" moment...and instead of moving forward with leaps and bounds, we are tip toeing. Because the bottom fell out and it could again.
These are the pieces of the puzzle that we're trying to live. Trying desperately to put things in perspective, trying to let go and live. Just live differently than you ever thought you would.
I know the next couple weeks will be an interesting journey...a journey in letting go and learning to dream new dreams.
And trusting...believing that every day is a gift...
Some days it's just easier than others.
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4 comments:
Praying for easy adjustments. I know it must be hard making all of these changes but they do not take our Lord by suprise. He knew it all along! You're doing great and Camryn and Wyatt are so blessed to have such loving and gentle parents. Always thinking of your family..
Still Praying! I rarely write, but I check in everyday and read the updates. Praying for peace and understanding in the weeks ahead before schools starts.
"...a journey in letting go and learning to dream new dreams."
I may not understand even an ounce of what you are going through in having a child with cancer, but this phrase I get.
Praying and hoping and wishing for you every step of the way.
I can imagine that letting go of "IT" would be hard because Kindergarten is a defining moment. But then again so is 1st Grade, 2nd Grade etc etc because each one is a right of passage and you will be there cheering Camryn on when she starts each new school year in a school with her fellow students.
Happy Birthday to your hubby (there I was saying how much your brother in law looked like Jason not realising he was his identical twin until I went to your sister in laws blog today!!). Hoping you are having a great family celebration!
Katie :o)
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