do something...

I have been visiting an old friend lately...a book entitled Why? by Anne Graham Lotz. This book found its way into my hands almost 3 years ago now, when the question of "Why?" permeated every part of my life.

As I revisit countless words and phrases my heart is drawn over and over again to a very simple, yet profound reality...Jesus Loves Me. I think sometimes I sideline that sentiment along with all the other trivial, standard Bible answers of my youth. Yes, Jesus loves me...but, does He really know me. Because after all to know me is to love me; isn't that how the saying goes?

And if Jesus really knows me than He must know that my heart aches...that my heart is torn in many fragmented pieces...that the last almost 3 years have been by far the toughest in my life? And if He knows all that why doesn't He do something.

Do something...Jason and I went to a Dodger game and were chuckling at the man in front of us who brought his Dodger Blue merchandise and his megaphone and would yell every time a Dodger came to the plate..."(insert name) do something." It was as if he was willing them to act...that because he wanted them to they would. As you know life doesn't work like that...I cannot will a baseball player to hit a home run. If I could...oh if I could.

That seems to be the way it is with God...I figure if you know the score than you know we really need to hit one out of the park. No base hit will do, what we need now is a home run. And yet, we step up to the plate and strike out...God why didn't you do something.

Lately, I am asking myself those same questions...God do you not see us, do you not know...The ironic thing is that I do know that He sees and understands. It is in the believing that, that I struggle.

You see 3 years ago the plans Jason and I had made were shattered, our world came crashing down in one word...leukemia. And now yes almost 3 years later I still wrestle with it all. It is a very odd reality to come back to life so to speak...to have your life halted, paused, isolated and slowly begin to emerge into the light again. Fearfully, you begin to start again...

I always knew that Jason and I would have a struggle as we found a new normal...as we processed the events of the past and wrestled with the realities of the future. But, I never quite grasped the struggle it would be for Camryn. Camryn is struggling now...

She is afraid of being sick...she is afraid to trust...she is scared of the future. She wants to be normal so badly, and yet everything is saying to her you are not. Try explaining to a 4 year old that her chronic sinusitis is normal...that she is okay and taking medicine for 4 weeks is okay. Yeah, that is not the easiest thing in the world. Camryn is desperately trying to find a sturdy place...a place where she can begin to live again.

I won't lie there have been many tears cried over the past couple weeks as I wrestle in myself to figure out what to do...after all I need to do something, right?

So...God directed me to my old friend again to speak to my heart through words that seem to pierce my very core...

Are you interpreting His love by your circumstances instead of interpreting your circumstances by His love?

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.

~ Psalm 13

Trusting in the Lord's unfailing love and believing that He has and He will do something. Patiently waiting for His voice...His leading and His redemption.

After all He has done something...He sent His Son to die for me, oh He has been good to me.