some days in the hustle and bustle that is life...well, i don't think it really is life. i think rather it is what we've made of life. the race if you will...the never-ending race for (insert whatever you'd like here). but, nonetheless we race. we hustle, we bustle about in hopes of achieving, finishing, and feeling a sense of success.
i'd like to step back...i'd love to be able to just let go.
let go.
the pressing need to have my children be perfect (or so gosh darn close). the pressing need to be the perfect wife, to do all and be all. the pressing need to be a perfect teacher, one who teaches the in's and out's of u.s. history well. the pressing need to be a perfect dean of students. a perfect master's degree student. the list could go on and on.
let.it.go.
recently, i've been drawn to the simplicity of the christmas story. the simple. oh don't get me wrong it is a glorious story, but it is simply glorious!
look at mary. look at joseph. look at the stable. look...
and be amazed. that the hustle and bustle of the word missed the long expected savior. they longed for him, they needed him, but he came not in the ways that met their expectations. therefore, they missed him.
look at the shepherds.
look at the star.
look at the simply glorious.
that our savior came, not in the pomp and circumstance of our world. not to be noticed. not to draw attention to himself. but, rather to love us.
love us.
and that is just simply glorious.
so, i need to bask in that glory. not the glory of perfection and being the best. but in the glory of a savior babe, who loved me then and loves me still.
let go of all that we long for, the race we run. and sit, watch, expect the savior to come...and when he does it will be simply glorious.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
silver linings...
even in the midst of situations where all i want to do is sigh heavily, look at the sky, and ask "why?" the lord provides...yes, he provides the silver linings.
the good of camryn's bout with impetigo is that her body can fight this. her body responded so well to the antibiotics, it fought and it won! in the world of bone marrow transplants and new immune systems this is HUGE!
so that's our silver lining...
yes, we hate that camryn fights things. but really her fight indicates that she is winning the war!
and i don't have to tell you we want the war won. forever.
it was a long hard week. as my friend k said to me, "i'm sure whenever camryn gets sick it brings everything back." and it does...maybe not all of it, but enough of it.
and when she wins a battle...it's another victory for wyatt's marrow and another tally mark for life.
life. yes, we are thankful for the silver linings...
the good of camryn's bout with impetigo is that her body can fight this. her body responded so well to the antibiotics, it fought and it won! in the world of bone marrow transplants and new immune systems this is HUGE!
so that's our silver lining...
yes, we hate that camryn fights things. but really her fight indicates that she is winning the war!
and i don't have to tell you we want the war won. forever.
it was a long hard week. as my friend k said to me, "i'm sure whenever camryn gets sick it brings everything back." and it does...maybe not all of it, but enough of it.
and when she wins a battle...it's another victory for wyatt's marrow and another tally mark for life.
life. yes, we are thankful for the silver linings...
Thursday, December 6, 2012
well...
i had thought we'd just have a simple sinus infection...but, nope!
camryn stayed home from school monday, because my super smart mother-in-law said that camryn's rash might be impetigo. and if it was impetigo it is super contagious, so we decided to be safe rather than infect her entire class. we called ucla and they said if it gets worse go to urgent care, if not they'd see her on tuesday.
well, monday morning wyatt woke up feeling lousy...he was crying, complaining that his stomach hurt, his throat. now, i will be honest we didn't know whether or not it was real or just sympathy pains since camryn was staying home. but, he didn't seem himself so we opted to let him stay home and he'd have a day to kick whatever it was.
well, when i got home monday he was even worse and running an 101 temp. so, it was real. he was complaining about everything, camryn was complaining too...all around monday night was not fun. and worst of all i was starting to feel horrible.
i woke up tuesday and felt awful, i braved work while jason took camryn to ucla, and wyatt stayed home with my parents. i made it through to 9:30 and by then it was a full-blown i'm sick and it feels like strep throat...great! i called wyatt's doctor as he wasn't any better and tuesday morning i had looked at his tonsils and they were HUGE...they said bring him in asap and so i left work, got wyatt, and headed to dr.k's office. all the while jason was navigating ucla with camryn.
once camryn got to ucla one look from dr.m and it was confirmed she had impetigo. he was very concerned as it appeared to be approaching her eye and if it did that would be very problematic, even leading to vision loss. dr.m had even thought of maybe admitting camryn for iv antibiotics it was so bad...honestly, when does this girl get a break. he did not admit her, but prescribed two high powered antibiotics, and said he would see her again on friday. (so much for 3 trips to ucla, now it's 4 and probably more) he said if it gets any worse can immediately and of course in our world that means an ER visit and admittance. wonderful.
meanwhile, dr.k confirmed that wyatt had strep throat and also peeked at my throat...yep, we were strep throat victims. she prescribed wyatt antibiotics and told me to call my doctor for some as well. my doctor being great called in a prescription for me so we'd have a grand total of 4 antibiotics waiting for us at cvs. awesome.
i called jason and got the update and gave him our update...he decided to take the rest of the day off. really, 3 out of the 4 of us were sick and it was just a lousy day. he told me to meet him at cvs and then he'd get mine, wyatt's, and camryn's medicine and i could go home with wyatt and camryn. when we got home wyatt and i got in bed and camryn who really isn't feeling sick played and played.
well, wyatt went to school today and camryn and i have been home. i am going back tomorrow and camryn, well we'll see...dr.m said no school through friday, but she is hoping she can go tomorrow afternoon as it is grandparents day and she wants to go so badly! i'm hoping he will be gracious and grant her wish...after all he truly does love this little girl.
so, that's been our week. jealous? honestly, i haven't been this sick in a long time...and really 3 of us has proven that jason has a heart of gold. poor guy...hoping we are better soon, so he doesn't have to take care of everything. and really hoping he doesn't get sick either.
hopeful you and yours are staying healthy this holiday season!
camryn stayed home from school monday, because my super smart mother-in-law said that camryn's rash might be impetigo. and if it was impetigo it is super contagious, so we decided to be safe rather than infect her entire class. we called ucla and they said if it gets worse go to urgent care, if not they'd see her on tuesday.
well, monday morning wyatt woke up feeling lousy...he was crying, complaining that his stomach hurt, his throat. now, i will be honest we didn't know whether or not it was real or just sympathy pains since camryn was staying home. but, he didn't seem himself so we opted to let him stay home and he'd have a day to kick whatever it was.
well, when i got home monday he was even worse and running an 101 temp. so, it was real. he was complaining about everything, camryn was complaining too...all around monday night was not fun. and worst of all i was starting to feel horrible.
i woke up tuesday and felt awful, i braved work while jason took camryn to ucla, and wyatt stayed home with my parents. i made it through to 9:30 and by then it was a full-blown i'm sick and it feels like strep throat...great! i called wyatt's doctor as he wasn't any better and tuesday morning i had looked at his tonsils and they were HUGE...they said bring him in asap and so i left work, got wyatt, and headed to dr.k's office. all the while jason was navigating ucla with camryn.
once camryn got to ucla one look from dr.m and it was confirmed she had impetigo. he was very concerned as it appeared to be approaching her eye and if it did that would be very problematic, even leading to vision loss. dr.m had even thought of maybe admitting camryn for iv antibiotics it was so bad...honestly, when does this girl get a break. he did not admit her, but prescribed two high powered antibiotics, and said he would see her again on friday. (so much for 3 trips to ucla, now it's 4 and probably more) he said if it gets any worse can immediately and of course in our world that means an ER visit and admittance. wonderful.
meanwhile, dr.k confirmed that wyatt had strep throat and also peeked at my throat...yep, we were strep throat victims. she prescribed wyatt antibiotics and told me to call my doctor for some as well. my doctor being great called in a prescription for me so we'd have a grand total of 4 antibiotics waiting for us at cvs. awesome.
i called jason and got the update and gave him our update...he decided to take the rest of the day off. really, 3 out of the 4 of us were sick and it was just a lousy day. he told me to meet him at cvs and then he'd get mine, wyatt's, and camryn's medicine and i could go home with wyatt and camryn. when we got home wyatt and i got in bed and camryn who really isn't feeling sick played and played.
well, wyatt went to school today and camryn and i have been home. i am going back tomorrow and camryn, well we'll see...dr.m said no school through friday, but she is hoping she can go tomorrow afternoon as it is grandparents day and she wants to go so badly! i'm hoping he will be gracious and grant her wish...after all he truly does love this little girl.
so, that's been our week. jealous? honestly, i haven't been this sick in a long time...and really 3 of us has proven that jason has a heart of gold. poor guy...hoping we are better soon, so he doesn't have to take care of everything. and really hoping he doesn't get sick either.
hopeful you and yours are staying healthy this holiday season!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
once a year...
about once a year camryn fights a sinus infection. and poor girl this year's infection is just wrecking havoc on her skin...who'd thought? her skin is just raw from blowing her nose over and over, it's chapped, and it has developed open sores. ugh...poor girl, she's just hatin' life and she's embarrassed. my heart hurts for her...because sometimes i wonder when enough is enough.
camryn gets very sensitive about certain things and i don't blame her. after all, you don't go through all that she has and not developed some insecurities. but, honestly today i feel bad...just sad.
once in a while it all creeps in on me about camryn...yes, she is doing fantastic. yes, she is thriving. but...
there's always a sense that some of these issues she faces daily are cancer's fault. and they are. no body can withstand it all. no one. there are side effects during treatment, but i think the lasting effects are what you don't expect. you fight so hard to survive that you really don't consider what does this mean long term?
today is one of those days...the long term is battling me. i hate that her rash looks awful. i hate that her poor little face has red rash and chapped skin. i hate that she cries because she is embarrassed. i hate that this is all because of a stupid disease.
and the worst part...
the disease lurks. right now my heart aches for friends of ours who have battled melanoma for over a year. they are great people, sweet people, two little kids...who have lots of life left to live. and yet this stupid disease wreaks havoc on their lives. i don't like it. not.one.bit.
tuesday camryn heads down to clinic to see her usual doctors, haven't seen them since august. it'll be nice to hear how she is doing, i sure hope her face looks better and she feels a bit better about it all. dr.m will be in and i'm sure she'll get to see her most favorite doctor. that will be a blessing. i'm hopeful that maybe they'll stretch out her appointments even further and we'll begin to start the transition to survivor clinic. that is just unbelievable to me.
the next week we see dr.s at the dermatology clinic.
and then the next week we'll see another dr.s in the immunology clinic to see how cam's immune system is doing.
nothing like 3 trips to ucla in one month! oh well. thankful we've had some time off!
so once a year when camryn fights a cold/sinus infection like normal kids my heart feels it. it's never easy to watch your child be sick, but once you've fought for their very life it really causes a bit of your heart to just ache.
camryn gets very sensitive about certain things and i don't blame her. after all, you don't go through all that she has and not developed some insecurities. but, honestly today i feel bad...just sad.
once in a while it all creeps in on me about camryn...yes, she is doing fantastic. yes, she is thriving. but...
there's always a sense that some of these issues she faces daily are cancer's fault. and they are. no body can withstand it all. no one. there are side effects during treatment, but i think the lasting effects are what you don't expect. you fight so hard to survive that you really don't consider what does this mean long term?
today is one of those days...the long term is battling me. i hate that her rash looks awful. i hate that her poor little face has red rash and chapped skin. i hate that she cries because she is embarrassed. i hate that this is all because of a stupid disease.
and the worst part...
the disease lurks. right now my heart aches for friends of ours who have battled melanoma for over a year. they are great people, sweet people, two little kids...who have lots of life left to live. and yet this stupid disease wreaks havoc on their lives. i don't like it. not.one.bit.
tuesday camryn heads down to clinic to see her usual doctors, haven't seen them since august. it'll be nice to hear how she is doing, i sure hope her face looks better and she feels a bit better about it all. dr.m will be in and i'm sure she'll get to see her most favorite doctor. that will be a blessing. i'm hopeful that maybe they'll stretch out her appointments even further and we'll begin to start the transition to survivor clinic. that is just unbelievable to me.
the next week we see dr.s at the dermatology clinic.
and then the next week we'll see another dr.s in the immunology clinic to see how cam's immune system is doing.
nothing like 3 trips to ucla in one month! oh well. thankful we've had some time off!
so once a year when camryn fights a cold/sinus infection like normal kids my heart feels it. it's never easy to watch your child be sick, but once you've fought for their very life it really causes a bit of your heart to just ache.
Monday, November 26, 2012
thankful.grateful...blessed
we had a wonderful thanksgiving and sadly i don't have a single picture to show for it...so, you'll have to take my word for it. :)
jason had the whole week off (thank you lausd furlough days) so he got to partake in some of the kids school cuteness. on monday wyatt's class had a thanksgiving feast, the amazing room moms set up the feast in the teaching garden...it was darling! the kids ate a traditional thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed each other's company. it was fun that jason got to go, as i was busy solving problems at school with high school students. boo! but, jay got to go and that was a very fun treat for him! later that afternoon was the thanksgiving assembly...what a cute fun program. wyatt was a pilgrim this year and recited psalms 100 and sang a very cute thanksgiving song about the pilgrims coming in 1620! darling! i forgot my camera, so sadly no pictures. :( camryn's class played a sang and played a song on their recorders, it was so fun! she was very proud of herself and even more excited that she gets to bring her recorder home for christmas vacation to practice (yea, we're all very excited about that [wink, wink]). thanks to grandma mikels who joined the fun...it's always fun to watch the kids sing and do their program. very thankful!
tuesday night was the home opener for the village basketball team...there was much anticipation in the house as wyatt has grown to like basketball very much and is very fond of a few of the players. the game was super fun, but even more watching the kids hang out in the gym with their friends...it was a neat moment. on the way home jason commented that is was cool that our kids are growing up knowing high school students and dreaming of playing in the gym on day. they are crusaders for sure. but, he also commented that it is fun getting to know the other families as some of us will potentially travel 13 years of schooling together...crazy. but, so grateful for these new found friends and the fun of basketball together.
wednesday jason and i did a little christmas shopping...i will admit i was in a bit of a funk. just wasn't feeling the best and was a bit overwhelmed with vacation. odd isn't it...i long for vacation i thoroughly anticipate time off and then when it comes i overwhelm myself with a long list of to do's. i also realized that all my time off is coordinated with the kids time off, so yes i would like a few moments of me time...hoping to plan that in during christmas vacation. as the kids told me we'll have 19 days together...yes, i think i'll sneak in a few me moments. :)
thursday was a wonderful day spent with my parents and my nephew caleb. we ate good food, watched a lot of football, played games, the kids played outside, and we worked on camryn's book report puppet. my mom had told camryn that she would teach her to sew and she did...it was precious to watch my mom patiently teach cam how to sew all by herself. camryn did great and her puppet looks so good...all we helped her with was the glue. her ideas and her creativity...so fun to watch her blossom and grow. later that evening i felt so sick...just awful so we came home and i rested and jason headed out to the black friday sales. he's a trooper and got what he wanted and was home by 10:00, not bad!
friday was lots of fun at the mikels house for our thanksgiving with them. jason's sister came down with the cousins, so it was a full house with lots of fun, laughter, and volume! :) it was great to be with family and watch the kids enjoy their cousins. one of the greatest blessings in my life has been my cousins, so it is wonderful to watch cam & wy enjoy life with theirs. lots of playing, lots of coloring, games, movies, and just fun...a blessing for sure! later in the evening me and my sister-in-laws headed to the grove to go to the american girl store, it was a spur of the moment trip but lots of fun! just fun to do something together as most of the time we are in full mommy mode...fun to hang out and laugh!
our vacation was full of fun and family...we are incredibly blessed by them. i am thankful that camryn & wyatt's lives are full of great family and special friends. it is a blessing beyond measure...thanks to the lord for his many gifts in our lives.
i was struck by the necessity to thank the lord for all he's done...the good and the not so good...the moments of darkness and of light. the lord is good...so good to me.
thanks jesus for your indescribable gifts.
jason had the whole week off (thank you lausd furlough days) so he got to partake in some of the kids school cuteness. on monday wyatt's class had a thanksgiving feast, the amazing room moms set up the feast in the teaching garden...it was darling! the kids ate a traditional thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed each other's company. it was fun that jason got to go, as i was busy solving problems at school with high school students. boo! but, jay got to go and that was a very fun treat for him! later that afternoon was the thanksgiving assembly...what a cute fun program. wyatt was a pilgrim this year and recited psalms 100 and sang a very cute thanksgiving song about the pilgrims coming in 1620! darling! i forgot my camera, so sadly no pictures. :( camryn's class played a sang and played a song on their recorders, it was so fun! she was very proud of herself and even more excited that she gets to bring her recorder home for christmas vacation to practice (yea, we're all very excited about that [wink, wink]). thanks to grandma mikels who joined the fun...it's always fun to watch the kids sing and do their program. very thankful!
tuesday night was the home opener for the village basketball team...there was much anticipation in the house as wyatt has grown to like basketball very much and is very fond of a few of the players. the game was super fun, but even more watching the kids hang out in the gym with their friends...it was a neat moment. on the way home jason commented that is was cool that our kids are growing up knowing high school students and dreaming of playing in the gym on day. they are crusaders for sure. but, he also commented that it is fun getting to know the other families as some of us will potentially travel 13 years of schooling together...crazy. but, so grateful for these new found friends and the fun of basketball together.
wednesday jason and i did a little christmas shopping...i will admit i was in a bit of a funk. just wasn't feeling the best and was a bit overwhelmed with vacation. odd isn't it...i long for vacation i thoroughly anticipate time off and then when it comes i overwhelm myself with a long list of to do's. i also realized that all my time off is coordinated with the kids time off, so yes i would like a few moments of me time...hoping to plan that in during christmas vacation. as the kids told me we'll have 19 days together...yes, i think i'll sneak in a few me moments. :)
thursday was a wonderful day spent with my parents and my nephew caleb. we ate good food, watched a lot of football, played games, the kids played outside, and we worked on camryn's book report puppet. my mom had told camryn that she would teach her to sew and she did...it was precious to watch my mom patiently teach cam how to sew all by herself. camryn did great and her puppet looks so good...all we helped her with was the glue. her ideas and her creativity...so fun to watch her blossom and grow. later that evening i felt so sick...just awful so we came home and i rested and jason headed out to the black friday sales. he's a trooper and got what he wanted and was home by 10:00, not bad!
friday was lots of fun at the mikels house for our thanksgiving with them. jason's sister came down with the cousins, so it was a full house with lots of fun, laughter, and volume! :) it was great to be with family and watch the kids enjoy their cousins. one of the greatest blessings in my life has been my cousins, so it is wonderful to watch cam & wy enjoy life with theirs. lots of playing, lots of coloring, games, movies, and just fun...a blessing for sure! later in the evening me and my sister-in-laws headed to the grove to go to the american girl store, it was a spur of the moment trip but lots of fun! just fun to do something together as most of the time we are in full mommy mode...fun to hang out and laugh!
our vacation was full of fun and family...we are incredibly blessed by them. i am thankful that camryn & wyatt's lives are full of great family and special friends. it is a blessing beyond measure...thanks to the lord for his many gifts in our lives.
i was struck by the necessity to thank the lord for all he's done...the good and the not so good...the moments of darkness and of light. the lord is good...so good to me.
thanks jesus for your indescribable gifts.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
november it is...
this past week has been a blur...seriously, i'm amazed we made it through.
* tuesday - we had camryn's first quarter conference. our girl is doing great in third grade...honestly, we never tire of hearing just how "normal" cam is. after a rough patch with timed multiplication tests, camryn has seemed to find her stride. she did much better and was very happy with her report card. we were so happy to sit with cam's teacher, miss e as she explained camryn's progress...allowed us to share our concerns and just chat about third grade life. my favorite moment of the conference was when miss e said "i'd like to pray for camryn". yes, my heart smiled...i love the gift that camryn's teacher prays for her, but most of all prays for camryn's heart. that she would come to know jesus...a precious gift. after we finished up the conference we went up to find the kids who were hanging out with my bff tina...honestly, not quite sure where in the world i'd be these past almost 7 years without her. we got dinner with the austs...watched some volleyball, and enjoyed time with our dear friends.
* wednesday = halloween - i do have pictures to post which i will do soon, i promise. but, for now let me say we had a very fun, yet exhausting halloween. camryn had decided to be a usc cheerleader and wyatt had decided to be a vcs basketball player...they looked super cute. we headed to church to meet up with the cousins to take some pictures and enjoy time with them. love spending time with the mikels. after church we headed to camryn's friend p's house. we had been invited to experience halloween at the estates (a local halloween hot spot). we have not done traditional trick or treating in a long time, so we thought it would be fun (especially since the kids did not have school the next day). we had a blast watching the kids run from house to house with their friends, it was just a fun night. we also realized that the estates are crazy, insane for halloween...tons and tons of kids. it was a fun change and we were thankful for new found friendships with our kids' school friends parents...a blessing.
* thursday - we had wyatt's conference this afternoon. it was a busy day and really i was wiped out, but we made it through. wyatt's conference went super well, he is doing fabulously in first grade. his teacher mrs.a talked and talked about what a great little guy he is. wyatt is excelling at reading which makes this momma's heart happy...so we're having to develop some challenge for him. wyatt loves school and he has done really well adjusting to the more academic nature of first grade. he really enjoys math as well and does great with the new online math program...really, what kid doesn't love the computer, what a techno generation they are! i appreciate wyatt's teacher so much, i taught her kids so it is a fun treasure for her to teach wyatt. she is the sweetest and at the end of the conference she prayed for wyatt...brought tears to my eyes to think of this amazing boy that the lord has blessed our lives with. he's doing so well...thankful!
* friday - we headed to the last regular season football game for village...the kids had a blast playing with their friend e, and their new found friends k, d, m...they had fun playing volleyball. it was a fun night...and the crusaders won so it was that much better!
* weekend wrap up - we have had a great weekend...thoroughly enjoying the slower pace the weekend brings. although the kids are a bit stir crazy due to the fact that they had thursday and friday off...they're ready to go to school tomorrow.
thankful for november and the pause it brings to my heart to remember the lord's great faithfulness to us. thankful for his many blessings. thankful for friendships, new and old that continually bless our lives. thankful for family, the amazing bonds that we share.
* tuesday - we had camryn's first quarter conference. our girl is doing great in third grade...honestly, we never tire of hearing just how "normal" cam is. after a rough patch with timed multiplication tests, camryn has seemed to find her stride. she did much better and was very happy with her report card. we were so happy to sit with cam's teacher, miss e as she explained camryn's progress...allowed us to share our concerns and just chat about third grade life. my favorite moment of the conference was when miss e said "i'd like to pray for camryn". yes, my heart smiled...i love the gift that camryn's teacher prays for her, but most of all prays for camryn's heart. that she would come to know jesus...a precious gift. after we finished up the conference we went up to find the kids who were hanging out with my bff tina...honestly, not quite sure where in the world i'd be these past almost 7 years without her. we got dinner with the austs...watched some volleyball, and enjoyed time with our dear friends.
* wednesday = halloween - i do have pictures to post which i will do soon, i promise. but, for now let me say we had a very fun, yet exhausting halloween. camryn had decided to be a usc cheerleader and wyatt had decided to be a vcs basketball player...they looked super cute. we headed to church to meet up with the cousins to take some pictures and enjoy time with them. love spending time with the mikels. after church we headed to camryn's friend p's house. we had been invited to experience halloween at the estates (a local halloween hot spot). we have not done traditional trick or treating in a long time, so we thought it would be fun (especially since the kids did not have school the next day). we had a blast watching the kids run from house to house with their friends, it was just a fun night. we also realized that the estates are crazy, insane for halloween...tons and tons of kids. it was a fun change and we were thankful for new found friendships with our kids' school friends parents...a blessing.
* thursday - we had wyatt's conference this afternoon. it was a busy day and really i was wiped out, but we made it through. wyatt's conference went super well, he is doing fabulously in first grade. his teacher mrs.a talked and talked about what a great little guy he is. wyatt is excelling at reading which makes this momma's heart happy...so we're having to develop some challenge for him. wyatt loves school and he has done really well adjusting to the more academic nature of first grade. he really enjoys math as well and does great with the new online math program...really, what kid doesn't love the computer, what a techno generation they are! i appreciate wyatt's teacher so much, i taught her kids so it is a fun treasure for her to teach wyatt. she is the sweetest and at the end of the conference she prayed for wyatt...brought tears to my eyes to think of this amazing boy that the lord has blessed our lives with. he's doing so well...thankful!
* friday - we headed to the last regular season football game for village...the kids had a blast playing with their friend e, and their new found friends k, d, m...they had fun playing volleyball. it was a fun night...and the crusaders won so it was that much better!
* weekend wrap up - we have had a great weekend...thoroughly enjoying the slower pace the weekend brings. although the kids are a bit stir crazy due to the fact that they had thursday and friday off...they're ready to go to school tomorrow.
thankful for november and the pause it brings to my heart to remember the lord's great faithfulness to us. thankful for his many blessings. thankful for friendships, new and old that continually bless our lives. thankful for family, the amazing bonds that we share.
thankful.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
{sometimes}
whew, where in the world is october going?
things have been really busy this month...lots of activities, lots of fun, lots of friends, and just lots of life. i've been struck this month of where our lives were six years ago...camryn was 5 days post transplant six years ago. wow, that just amazes me that she was here...
sometimes i just look back through pictures and smile...sometimes tears come. sometimes i lash out in anger at all that was, and sometimes it's quiet and my heart feels peace. sometimes songs play and memories flood...like today during chapel at school we sang "Everlasting God". i simply cannot sing that song without tears welling in my eyes, all the while a smile beams on my face...i listened to this song over and over while driving to ucla time and time again to see this face.
a face that held my heart then and holds my heart still.
october 2012 has brought a sense of peace, even in the midst of the craziness of life. even in the midst of my dad's illness and hospital stay. even in the midst of two of the most crazy, busy weeks in life. even in the midst of a calendar whose dates are not simply numbers, but days that hold such memories. even in the midst...because,
sometimes every one of us fears
like we’ll never be healed
sometimes
sometimes every one of us aches
like we’ll never be saved
sometimes
when we’ve given up
let your healing come
when theres nothing left
let your healing come
til were risin up
let your healin come
where You go we will follow
where You go we will follow
it’s Your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
it’s Your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
Sometimes
~ David Crowder Band
i will not pretend that i have life tied up in a neat package with a beautiful bow...sometimes the storm that rages in my heart is difficult, ugly, and painful. but, sometimes the joy that comes is glorious, oh so glorious if i allow His love to heal me. i was struck this week as i read through 500 plus surveys of middle and high school students asking what they wish they were, what they wish they weren't, what they wish they did, and what they wish they didn't; that life is painful, extremely painful, and no one is immune. some of the hurts that were shared brought me to tears, my heart was incredibly heavy, and i felt as though i could feel my very heart break. and then someone said it..."if it hurts us this much, what do you think it does to God's heart?" and that stopped me. i've sang the lyrics time and time again..."break my heart with what breaks yours", but this time i felt it, this time i knew...that sometimes we need our broken hearts healed with the amazing love of Him. the love of Christ lavished on us to know that we are not alone.
i had a moment last week when the world seemed very skewed, when all that was seemed unreal. i got a call from the ucla number i know all too well. it was the doctor who had ordered camryn's 11 vile blood draw to test her immune system...he said things looked good, but there was something alarming. my heart sank to the floor, luckily i was sitting in my boss' office which kept me from losing it completely. camryn's blood showed and abnormality for lupus. my heart broke. i finally mustered the courage to call camryn's nurse practitioner who seems to know all things about camryn...she had not seen the lab report, but would look into it. by friday i hadn't heard and my heart was breaking into a million pieces. i sent an email...i got a call from the ucla number later. the conversation went something like this:
me: hello?
b: hi dana, it's b.
me: hi b, thanks for calling.
b: i have looked at the lab sheet and i've talked to dr.moore. he too has seen the lab sheet. and we don't see anything alarming, he does not want to to be concerned, he feels that everything is fine. camryn is doing well.
me: (tears welling) thank you b. thank you.
b: dana, don't worry. she's okay, we are not concerned and we don't want you to be. enjoy your weekend and again don't worry.
me: thank you b. you all mean so much.
and sometimes the healing comes...
its your love we adore
its like a sea without a shore
don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid
just set your sail and risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
let’s risk the ocean
show me grace
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
it’s your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, were lost in You
it’s your love that we adore
it’s like a sea without a shore
we’re lost in You, we're lost in You
where you go we will follow
where you go we will follow
i’m on my knees
where you go we will follow
oh God send me
~ David Crowder Band
and i take a deep breath knowing that healing comes, brokenness comes...
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and it's His love that restores
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